Last Sunday, my priest proclaimed in his homily: “Faith is where desperation meets Jesus Christ.”
These words entered my soul and took hold. As this time of unknowing continues, at every new trial I encounter, my heart returns to these words. They will provide the strength toward which I will hopefully gravitate, as the world struggles to gain understanding.
Even at this moment when I am writing, I am uncertain of what to write next! I just know I need to write – it is my means of reaching out to people in the world I live in and to receive affirmation that I am not alone. This was true before the CoVid-19 pandemic – being an introvert, my ways of connecting with others are often different than the conventional ones.
Today has been one of the most difficult days since the start of this pandemic, because I actually do not know what each day will look like as I move forward through it. I have lost control. My job has been temporarily ended – there is simply not enough work for me to do, so I have officially applied for unemployment.
When I first made the decision to apply, I felt relieved. The way my employer explained it, unemployment sounded like the best option. If everything turns out the way it should, I will be making more money than I would be if I was working.
Unfortunately, when I woke up this morning, the reality sunk in. Unemployment means relying on the government for my well-being. I have heard horror stories about filing for unemployment. Yes, the government promises money to keep me financially secure, but what if my application is not processed correctly? Anxiety creeps into my mind, and outside voices take over. There were a few texts and conversations I should not have accepted or participated in.
During these times society dictates that “we need to focus on the positive.” This is much easier said than done, especially since I am in isolation, and now that I am without work, I feel even more isolated.
When I first faced the new reality of unemployment, I also questioned whether or not to attempt leaving Connecticut and stay with my parents until this “temporary shutdown” ends. There were mixed responses from a number of different people, and of course, my mind fixated on the most negative ones.
At the end of the day (at the end of this day!), I am choosing desperation. All the external voices do not matter – whether they are positive or negative, the voice I need to heed is the Lord’s.
If it is His will I go to stay with my parents, I will, but if it is not His will, I am facing an unknown length of time in complete isolation.
I will have to learn what it means to be in total communion with the Lord, and to be completely honest, that doesn’t sound too bad.
Now the Lord may be telling me to go to South Carolina. If He is asking me to do this, I will go, and based on His track record, I have faith this will lead to unimaginable wonders. Right now I am in a waiting state; I am waiting on the Lord in desperation.