Time in Prayer this Year

One of the questions I struggle with sometimes is how much time I ought to be spending in prayer on a daily basis. This is not surprising: my personality has been shaped by an ingrained emphasis on the value of time since I was a child. My dad especially shaped my notions of the proper use of time, always questioning whether any particular use of time was “good, better or best.” If that sounds irritating, it was, but it stood me in good stead later on. From my days practicing piano (one hour per day was considered the standard), to my attempts to learn martial arts, to my days training for Special Forces, and especially within Special Forces, the habit of continuous, repetitive daily training and the need to maximize my use of time has been reinforced time and time again.

These days I am in PA school and trying to maintain a close family life. Those are the two main focuses of my time, but on the side I have the National Guard, which requires that I maintain a solid level of fitness and some proficiency with pistol and rifle, as well as at least some familiarity with a foreign language. The only solution to these demands on my time (the concept of “my” time is subject for a whole other blog in itself) is a consistent, structured schedule that allows me to hit each of these for at least a short time every day. I count on the consistent repetition to reinforce them and make up for my lack of time spent on any one of them.

The question then, as I look forward and toy with the idea of making New Year’s resolutions, is “How much time should I spend in prayer every day?”

There are two approaches to this, which we could roughly call the quantity and quality approaches.

The quantity approach insists on a set number of minutes every morning and evening, or a set regimen of prayers to be “said” every day. The advantages of this approach are that it allows an objective measure and is resistant to the “feel-like-it” trap. There is no question of selling yourself short of prayer time based on some subjective feeling, either positive or negative. There is instead the objective fact. I either said my rosary, or I didn’t. I either read the Divine Office, or I didn’t. That’s that.

Disadvantages, however, creep in when the standard becomes a checklist to be done, and the familiarity frees the mind from the necessity of focusing on the activity at hand.

The quality approach recognizes this and also recognizes that repetition can become boring, long periods of time encourage the mind to wander, and that prayer is not a task to be accomplished, but an actual relationship with a real person. Thus, the quality approach tends to focus on a few prayers said well, with focus and feeling, rather than just remaining on your knees for a longer period of time. It seeks prayer that focuses the emotions and thus tends more towards free-flowing mental prayer rather than set times and words. Disadvantages may include a reliance on subjective feelings which may or may not mirror the actual state of my soul in relation to God, or a creeping tendency towards less prayer, or a deterioration of prayer into nothing more than my own attempt to manufacture devotional feelings.

What is clear to me this year is that when I ask, “How much time should I spend in prayer?”, it is the wrong question. So is “How much time can I spend in prayer?”

Let’s put this in context. The goal of prayer is not a certain number of minutes per day, a certain quota of devotional exercises performed. Nor is it loving feelings towards Jesus or my fellow man. The goal is relationship with God.

This is easier to understand when I think about my family, and substitute family time for prayer. The goal of family time is not a certain number of minutes per day or activities performed, nor is it good feelings about my family. (I cannot be the only person who has more good feelings about my family when I am away on business than when I am home interacting with them every day).

The goal is relationship, which begs the question, “What is relationship?” Well, if the goal of life and prayer is relationship with God, then per the Baltimore Catechism relationship is to “know, love and serve” God. I can do worse than to apply that definition to my family as well. (As a general rule of thumb, if my prayer life and family life are not mirror images of each other, then one or both is out of whack).

My goal is to know my wife and daughter. Not just to know things about them or to be able to predict their behavior, but to know them in the personal sense. There is an active element to this personal sense, which to me suggests the image of two trees growing together, each intertwining with the other, root and branch, simultaneously shaping the other and adapting to the other’s shape. The trees may not know much about each other in the sense that a botanist would, but they do know each other in an intimate sense that is a symbol of human personal knowledge.

So “know” means mutual shaping in the case of a human relationship, being shaped by God in the case of the Divine/human relationship. However, mutual shaping can be toxic and harmful as anyone who has ever been in an abusive relationship knows. This is where “love” comes in. Love is both the appreciation of the good inherent or potential in the beloved, and the ardent desire that that good should be preserved and grow. “Serve” flows from that, and is the action taken (or refrained from) for the sake of preserving or increasing the good of the beloved.

So let me redefine prayer as the process of growing together with God, coming to appreciate and desire the good that He is, in a way that orders the rest of our life towards that end. From that point of view let me re-examine the quantity and quality approaches to prayer.

It should be clear that both have their place. While it is true that in a really loving relationship we should never have to ask, “Am I spending enough time with the beloved?”, because the answer is always, “No, of course not. I am spending every minute I can and it isn’t enough.” That being said, we are human and not always that rapturously enthralled with our relatives. In this case the quantitative approach is a fall back. It is a bare minimum to ensure that the relationship is not neglected during the times when that emotional impetus isn’t there, and it is the single strongest guarantee that the emotional impetus will one day return. Discipline is more necessary in relationships than anywhere else.

The quality approach reinforces this. It is not enough to meet the quota for the day and call it good. That may be better than nothing (or maybe not) but it is not going to grow me together with God. Quality of prayer is something that no one can judge accurately, but certainly the same rules apply in prayer as in any relationship. Pay attention to the other person, listen to them, and mean what you say when you speak. Notice, this is not so much a matter of feelings as it is a matter of actions: minimize distractions during family or prayer time, practice actively listening (it is a skill), and think before you speak.

Pretty simple really, but impossible except by God’s grace.

Ryan Kraeger

Ryan Kraeger

Ryan Kraeger is a cradle Catholic homeschool graduate, who has served in the Army as a Combat Engineer and as a Special Forces Medical Sergeant. He now lives with his wife Kathleen and their two daughters near Tacoma, WA and is a Physician Assistant. He enjoys reading, thinking, and conversation, the making and eating of gourmet pizza, shooting and martial arts, and the occasional dark beer. His website is The Man Who Would Be Knight.

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