Acceptance

A well-meaning friend advised me to seek various things to correct everything she saw as deficient in me—a psychologist to deal with family issues, cooking classes to bolster my rudimentary culinary skills, driving classes to get used to driving in this foreign land that has become my home, deportment classes to present myself in a more mature way, speech therapy to lower the pitch of my voice…at the end of it, I was exhausted by simply thinking about the list of things to do, and felt terrible about myself.

Speaking with other friends, and with a counselor who is married to an Asian, gave me a better perspective. The counselor figured there was nothing terribly wrong with me and discharged me after two sessions. He observed that Asians often come across as younger than they are, and it was nothing to fret about. Another friend said, “You just have a Singaporean accent!” Attending finishing school, I looked at the presenters and the other participants and realized there was no perfect way to be, or to present yourself. The presenters stressed how photographs of models are airbrushed, and that modeling physiques are meant to show off the clothes—they are not supposed to be the standard of physical beauty, because they are simply clothes-hangers.

People spend so much money, time, and effort on externals, thinking it will make them happier, or better liked. It is true that we are body and soul united, so the way you present yourself is important, whether you’re performing a job, going on a date, or presenting the Gospel to others. However, true beauty and confidence shines through when you’re contented with the way you are. The quest to reach an ideal is pointless, because an ideal is just that—an ideal. Humility and happiness come with accepting what is real, the concrete world with which God has gifted you.

Things that seem like faults to some people will appear as strengths or lovable qualities to others. Every person’s perception is shaped by his upbringing, cultural context, personal preferences, and limited knowledge.

In Story of a Soul, it is related: “The Infirmarian turned to Thérèse and said: ‘If you relied upon the opinion of creatures you would indeed be disillusioned today.’ ‘The opinion of creatures!’ she replied; ‘happily God has given me the grace to be absolutely indifferent to that. Let me tell you something which showed me, once and for all, how much it is worth. A few days after my Clothing, I went to our dear Mother’s room, and one of the Sisters who happened to be there, said on seeing me: “Dear Mother, this novice certainly does you credit. How well she looks! I hope she may be able to observe the Rule for many years to come.” I was feeling decidedly pleased at this compliment when another Sister came in, and, looking at me, said: “Poor little Soeur Thérèse, how very tired you seem! You quite alarm me. If you do not soon improve, I am afraid you will not be able to keep the Rule very long.” I was then only sixteen, but this little incident made such an impression on me, that I never again set store on the varying opinion of creatures.’”

Of course, one should not take this as an excuse not to improve upon one’s faults or deficiencies. But every person is a mix of good and bad, strengths and weaknesses. Our weaknesses can be gifts, too, teaching us humility and opening us to the grace of God and other people who offer a helping hand. Accepting a corporal or spiritual work of mercy from someone else can be a loving act.

I had a friend who became severely depressed about himself, thinking himself stupid because his academic writing was not at my standard. It was through no fault of his own; we simply had different educational backgrounds and opportunities. He had many other virtues, which he was unable to see because he was focusing on what he lacked.

My father has a rule of thumb: don’t compare yourself to others, because we are all differently shaped jigsaw-puzzle pieces, and together we make a glorious whole. As with the organs of the body, we each have a different purpose, and we are interdependent creatures who can craft magnificent things together.

Growth and maturity take time, and it’s fine not to rush in acquiring a skill. Just let it happen naturally, calmly, and be at peace with the process—enjoy it! Jesus too had to take time to learn how to be a carpenter, though He was God! He spent thirty years quietly working away at just being an ordinary human; let us, too, treasure our human nature, even with its brokenness, and allow growth to happen in God’s good time. As Mae West said, “Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.”

Jesus invited us to be like Him, humble of heart. But what is humility of the heart? It consists in receiving humiliations from our Sweet Beloved God with a submissive love in accepting one’s state of life and one’s duties whatever they are and in not being ashamed of one’s condition.
—St Peter Julian Eymard

Humility is not self-contempt, but the truth about ourselves coupled with a reverence for others; it is self-surrender to the highest goal.
—Venerable Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen

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Image: Joy-Sorrow