Layer upon layer of silliness

St JamesThe episode from the gospel today has always been one of my favorites. I have always pictured the mother of James and John as being a goodhearted, but slightly domineering, woman who wants the absolute best for her boys. That is, she knows them better than anyone and knows that they deserve the best. The other apostles? Well, they are all right in their way, and she is not saying anything against them. Quite fine boys, all of them, in fact. But if it comes right down to it… well, anyone can see that her boys are just a touch ahead of the crowd. They deserve the #1 and #2 spots in the kingdom, she’s sure of it.

She also seems pretty sure that Jesus agrees with her. He knows what’s what, and He’s probably just waiting for James and John to speak up and ask Him. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, you know?

Oh well, if they won’t squeak, she’ll squeak for them.

I picture her getting on them about asking for that promotion for weeks or months, until finally she just says, “Well then, if you won’t, I will. Come with me, boys!” And James and John come along, a little red in the face, (what are Peter and the rest of the guys going to think?) but a little excited too, even though they don’t want to admit it. On the off-chance Jesus says yes, who cares what the other guys think?

So, while they wouldn’t have gone up to him themselves, when their mom grabs them by the ear, so to speak, they go along with it.

Image of blood issuing from side of the crucified Lord being caught in a chalice
Not what James and John were thinking…

“What’s that? Something about drinking a cup with Him? Sure!”

“Yes, Jesus, we can drink the cup you drink.”

I can imagine a pause as He looks at them with that half amused, half exasperated look that they (by this time) know all too well.

“Not the right answer?”

“Not the right answer.”

“We answered wrong. What were we supposed to say? What was the right answer?”

So Jesus tries to explain to them, and they don’t get it, but at least they will be drinking that cup with Him that He was talking about. So that’s good.

But then they get back to the group and all the guys are mad at them, and a big old argument looks like it is about to break out. Right in the middle of it, Jesus calls them to come over to Him.

“You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them,
and the great ones make their authority over them felt.
But it shall not be so among you.
Rather, whoever wishes to be great among you shall be your servant;
whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave.
Just so, the Son of Man did not come to be served
but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Serve_With_HumilityI remember hearing this as a kid and thinking, “Oh, that’s the trick, is it? Just serve more people than anyone else. Just be more humble than anyone, and Jesus will make you higher than anyone.”

I think what I had in mind was a smarmy, sort of play-acting humility. The sort that says, “Oh no, I couldn’t possibly, I’m not worthy, etc.” all the while in the back of my head congratulating myself on how humble I’m being and looking forward to how high Jesus is going to raise me.

Eventually I realized how silly that is. You can’t fool Jesus. He knows when you’re play-acting and when you’re serious. So I thought I’ll be serious about it. No play acting humble, I’m going to be really humble. Then Jesus will raise me up…

Still no good. Even when I’m concentrating on being humble I am looking at myself and thinking about myself. I am always looking at myself out of the corner of my eye, so to speak, thinking, “Am I humble yet? Really humble or only fake humble?”

So then I try to bury myself in service or study or prayer, try to become so absorbed in some work or in prayer, that I forget myself. I will try to keep my mental eye on the prayer, trying to reach out to worship Jesus in the person in front of me or in the tabernacle. After a minute I won’t be able to resist anymore and I’ll peak. Just a peak at myself to see if I’ve succeeded in forgetting myself. Of course, when you check to see if you are forgetting yourself, you have remembered yourself.

As long as I am thinking about my own humility, I am still a million miles from being humble. It is impossible to make yourself humble by main effort, anymore than it is possible to pick yourself up by the seat of your own pants. I think it’s kind of like diving, as C. S. Lewis might say. It’s not about doing anything in particular. It’s about ceasing to do something, ceasing to try to preserve yourself. Just letting go of the instinct of self-preservation. Forget yourself. The moment you look at yourself to see if you are doing it right, you loose the magic.

I think it is necessary to go through these ridiculous levels of silliness, trying to forget myself, checking to see if I have succeeded. It is necessary to realize the impossibility of the task in order to come to the only source of hope.

Only Jesus can make me humble.

Instead of humility, obedience might be a better goal. Simply obey Jesus when he asks us to serve, don’t ask questions, don’t worry about outcomes, just serve the person He puts in your path. Do the job He sets you. Learn the lesson He gives. Let Him decide what reward to share out, knowing that whatever it is, it will be more than I could ever deserve. divineMercyEverything is Mercy.

Ryan Kraeger

Ryan Kraeger

Ryan Kraeger is a cradle Catholic homeschool graduate, who has served in the Army as a Combat Engineer and as a Special Forces Medical Sergeant. He now lives with his wife Kathleen and their two daughters near Tacoma, WA and is a Physician Assistant. He enjoys reading, thinking, and conversation, the making and eating of gourmet pizza, shooting and martial arts, and the occasional dark beer. His website is The Man Who Would Be Knight.

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