What Can We Learn From Homosexual People?

As Catholics, we take the good out of every situation, thought, or idea because the good is of God. If something is true, regardless of the origin, then we stake a claim on it from the God of Truth. When we see beauty, it participates in the beauty of God. It reminds me of St. Paul who said:

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things (Philippians 4:8).

With the recent synod notes and taking the advice to recognize the gifts of those children of God that have homosexual tendencies, I thought I would reflect on a number of gifts I have seen based on my experience with mainly homosexual men.

  1. Homosexuals listen. I have found they have a more emotive capacity and are present in conversation. The TV stereotype that women like homosexual men seems to fit my experience. As a heterosexual man, this is something that I know I could really learn more. In my experience of marriage retreats, I find this may be something missing in many marriages. Communication is so important in marriage and active, emotive listening to a spouse is not the easiest thing to do.
  2. Homosexuals are accepting. I have found that homosexual men are gifted with accepting the faults of others even if they disagree. There is less of a sense of damnation and more of a sense of “I believe you can do better” attitude. They do not seem to glory in the faults of others.
  3. Homosexuals are loyal. Once a homosexual man trusts that you mean them well, there is a sense of loyalty and friendship that seems easier to establish. It probably comes from the acceptance mentioned in the second point.
  4. Homosexuals stand for a cause. I may not agree with all their causes, but the homosexuals I know put forth much effort in civic causes that may or may not be related to homosexuality.
  5. Homosexuals defend their lovers in conversations with others. This is something that is very important for men these days. Husbands need to defend their spouse rather than speak ill of her when she is not around.
  6. Being around homosexuals is humbling. I think this is because I am on my guard not to offend them as a person when I speak with them. It makes me realize that if I was on my guard like that every day that I would be a canonized the day after my death.
  7. Homosexual men do not sexually objectify women. Whether it is a heterosexual or homosexual man, there is comfort in knowing that you are in a presence of another man that tries not to objectify women.

This list is in not all inclusive. It is just some of things that came to mind when I reflected on my experiences with other homosexual men. I think these are some of the gifts that others can learn from those with homosexual orientations.

J.Q. Tomanek

J.Q. Tomanek

J.Q. lives in the country of Texas with his wife Denise, a Southern Belle from Trinidad and Tobago, and his three children. He holds two graduate degrees from Our Lady of the Lake University in San Antonio, an MBA and Master of Science in Organizational Leadership, and a Bachelor of Arts degree from Franciscan University of Steubenville. Having taught for five years in Catholic education, he now works in the construction industry in Victoria, TX. He is a parishioner of Holy Family of Joseph, Mary, and Jesus Parish in the Diocese of Victoria.

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52 thoughts on “What Can We Learn From Homosexual People?”

  1. As a young woman I moved to a big city, and became friendly with homosexual men, I might have agreed with most of your statements, but over time, I started seeing things as they really were.

    Firstly, homosexuals are not accepting, they feign acceptance and friendliness. They are intolerant, highly reactionary, bitter, envious & are unstable and volatile, and violent. Listening and being emotive aren’t on their own signs of compassion or caring. No doubt the homosexuals you are referring to haven’t finished getting whatever it is they seek to gain from you. I’d be very careful, they are extremely manipulative.

    They are not trusting, but I’ll wager they have duped you into trusting them, nor are they loyal.. rather, they can and will become dependent, but that can turn around and become explosive. I’ve seen this. Homosexuals have domestic violence rates 36% higher than heterosexuals. As to objectifying, the males objectify males, and the females objectify females especially teenagers.

    If you’re not careful, you will be harmed by these men. Rather than embrace the corrupting influence of pope Francis, who has such contempt for Christ he encourages excusing sin, I’d suggest you read Christ’s teachings on sin.

    1. Your story reminds me of a “gay” man I knew about a decade ago. He put on quite a show of being “gay” in both senses of the word — the modern, sexual connotation, of course, but also the sense of being carefree and happy-go-lucky. I was never convinced by the shows of carefree extravagance, though; I had the distinct impression that he was, underneath it all, a profoundly sad person. The obvious response is that it is society’s rejection of his sexual preference that made him sad, and that was no doubt a part of it — but only a part over it. More fundamentally, he seemed to be internally conflicted. I’m afraid the show of gaiety was an attempt to persuade himself that he was really happy.

      At the same time, both our anecdotes are at most anecdotes.

      1. And I believe it is the Christian, faithful to Christ, that show a profoundly sad person the joy of the Gospel. Thank God we have such a personal God that does not want us to be sad but to be a child of God.

    2. Mary, thanks for the insight. I am sorry you have found some people of a group to be less than positive. I can only speak for my own experience. I refuse to treat a person skeptically and will continue to love.

      I have not found Pope Francis corrupting or encouraging sin. I think deep down, anybody who struggles with any sin, knows that the Holy Father loves the person and wants them to leave their sin behavior.

  2. Pingback: Pope Francis: Breaking Bergoglio - BigPulpit.com

  3. There are endless things that “we can learn from homosexual people”: how to program in the Perl scripting language, how to conjugate French verbs, etc. The real question is whether there is anything worth knowing that they are uniquely positioned to teach. So far there seems to be no clear evidence that there is.

      1. Aside from Mary our Mother and Jesus, everything I’ve learned is from a sinner.
        Regarding the sins of fornication and sodomy: I have my wife’s friend who had an abortion, later a hysterectomy, and then became an alcoholic; and a male friend who died from aids. I have learned that one should avoid these sins, instruct others to avoid these sins and have a holy contempt for those who give into the world out of wanting to be loved rather than love.

      2. I am sorry to hear about your wife’s friend and the male friend. I typically take the Dr. Kreeft method of realizing that people who sin are not our enemies, but they are our mission field. Our enemies are the principalities, powers, dominions…of this present darkness. That is the war we must fight. I am afraid that a cultural war produces the same results as national war, many dead people that could have been saved if we understand that these are real people with real problems that need real little Christ’s.

        We have been fighting a cultural of death with the wrong weapons. It does not need a cultural war, it needs a culture of life. “Don’t fire with fire, fight fire with water.” Kreeft

      3. The darkness in this world is first and foremost a darkness of mind, we are all subject to temptation. Our wills are a blind faculty, we need light for the mind to choose well.

        It’s a mistake to say that there are homosexual persons or heterosexual persons, there are only male and female. And it’s a mistake to say that that an objectively disordered sexuality is anything good, it’s not, that’s to confuse friendship and marriage. “Confusion is from the devil”.

        My apologies if I’m being blunt, I’m wired that way, lovingly yours…

  4. Why can’t people be individuals? Why this need to stereotype, even positively? I feel this is almost as bad as the whole “gay” ideology that says one must make one’s sexual proclivities one’s main public identity.

    1. I have known both, homosexuals that do and do not make their sexual orientation their main identity. I did not mean to stereotype but only give a list of things I have learned from the homosexual persons I have known.

  5. I’d say the thing we can learn is how to carry a cross. Many homosexuals are carrying an enormous cross, and many do it with enormous grace under pressure. Not all, of course do so well. But a great many do, and it should be recognized.

    1. That is true, of course, but it is true of anyone who struggles with any temptation. I’ll start taking such considerations more seriously when we include those who struggle with some of the other cardinal sins. Someone with a strong and persistent temptation to wrath carries a cross, too, and may do so with enormous grace under pressure, but sexual sins are fashionable today, whereas violent sins are not. (It has been different in other times and places.) When churchmen are wringing their hands about “are we welcoming enough” and “what can we learn from” those who are tempted to FASHIONABLE sins — without extending similar considerations to UNFASHIONABLE sins — it is hard to hear in their words “a Christian insight”. A curtsy to the spirit of the age seems more like it.

  6. I am so tired of these rosy views of homosexuality! They are so wrong and off the mark! There is nothing beautiful or elegant, or chic or happy, or benevolent or humbling, or understanding or loving about this grave disorder! How can anyone think that compulsive fornicators do not objectify women? Practicing homosexuals objectify everything starting with themselves! Do you really believe that people -homosexual or heterosexual – who have multiple sexual partners and frequently have casual sex in sex clubs, gay bars, parks, bathrooms or under bridges are capable of not objectifying other people? Pleeeeezzzeee! Stop this madness! As Mary below, I also have much experience with male gays and I agree with her assessments. The picture she paints about many of them is dead-on accurate. I think America has been glorifying sin interruptedly for too long! We must stop doing this or we will face horrific consequences for our willful blindness.

  7. I’m sorry about all the negative comments you got for this post. It shows courage to say something nice about homosexuals and that courage freaks out people who don’t understand how to separate sex from sexual orientation.

    1. Thanks for the link Paolo. I read the article and it is rather shameful for any person to experience what the professor has went or is going through. I am not a fan of any ideology. However, I do see the difference between a homosexual agenda and a person with homosexual orientation.

      Can I be a friend and recognize his good qualities even though he has a disorder?

  8. Number five is odd: most married men that I know I do not say a lot about their wives but it is usually positive. Women married or otherwise say a lot of negative things about men.
    In any event, I see nothing specific to learned from homosexuals for being homosexual: the writer’s view point is odd.

    1. William, thanks for the comment. I based number 5 on two experiences. One, on conversations I have had with homosexual men that speak highly of their friend and my experience in a different marriage retreats where it is apparent in many marriages that men do not speak of their wives in positive way. As I mentioned in the article, these were based on my experiences, your experiences may differ.

  9. I have seen a couple of comments regarding nothing specific being learned from people with homosexual orientation or their relationships. Well can’t that be said about nearly any person or relationship?

    Second, is there nothing positive that can be found from people with this orientation?

    1. Why stop there? Why not another article titled, “What We Can Learn From Rapists, Pedophiles, Serial-Killers, Drug Dealers, Compulsive Gamblers, etc”?

      1. You know, this might be a great idea. Would it convince you that the people who commit sin are to be loved and offered the opportunity to receive the mercy of Jesus Christ?

      2. Who said anything about them receiving God’s mercy or love? I’m saying you shouldn’t place them on a pedestal, as if we should follow their example.

      3. Of course we should. But that’s like penning an article titled “What can we learn from Nazis?” because Hitler once gave money to a homeless man. Everyone does good things sometimes, that doesn’t mean everyone should be held up as an example.

      4. If you compare homosexual oriented people to Nazis, then I don’t know how much dialogue we can have on the issue.

      5. If you don’t know how similes work, then you’re right, we can’t have much dialogue. If you don’t know how similes work, you shouldn’t be writing anything for public consumption.

  10. Sin doesn’t give you special insight or add to your virtue. In fact, it has the opposite effect. I’m ashamed that you went to my alma mater.

    1. Are you saying that we cannot learn from people with homosexual orientation? Are you implying their type of sin that they struggle disqualifies them from adding value to the Christian life?

      1. There are plenty of great men of virtue, both alive and dead, who we can look to for inspiration and direction in our spiritual lives. Yet you and your ilk instead point to those who proudly place their genitalia in the rectums of other men and insist such actions are morally acceptable. Sorry buddy. They’re not. And if a man doesn’t enough virtue to restrain himself from acting on such incredibly depraved desires, it’s unlikely he has much at all.

      2. I truly wish you the best KevinToTheHeights. Perhaps you have misread my post. I did not say homosexual sexual acts are morally acceptable. I simply found a handful of positive and good things that I have noticed among my homosexual oriented friends and brothers in the Lord.

      3. The assumption behind your article is that there are some positive qualities that homosexual men have which others do not have (at least in greater quantity), hence we can learn from them. But the only distinction between homosexual men and heterosexual men is SIN. And sin cannot add anything positive to any of us. It does not add virtue.

      4. But that’s not what you said. The claim of your article is that this group of people, homosexuals, because they are homosexuals, has good qualities that others usually don’t have.

      5. No. I said, my observations or what I have seen. If these do not make sense to you, state what you have seen in person. These things I listed are good things I have seen from my encounters with people of homosexual orientation.

      6. The title of your article is “What Can We Learn From Homosexual People?” not, “Some Nice Qualities in the Handful of Gays I Know”

      7. Of course. Each item in your list is like your title. They make sweeping assumptions about good qualities that all homosexuals supposedly have. “Homosexuals listen,” “Homosexual men don’t objectify women” (they objectify men, though, but never mind that). The ignorance is astounding. Do you plan on actually addressing any arguments? Or are you just going to keep replying with watered-down theological platitudes or the assumption that because I point out your error, the only possible explanation is that I didn’t read or understand your words?

  11. I get what you’re trying to say – that there is some goodness in all people because we are made in the likeness and image of God. But you’re defining these men by their sexuality, as if their orientation is who they are, and all gay men share these characteristic, which is not true. And that heterosexual men do not do these things just because they are heterosexual. It sounds as if you’re talking about the characterture of gay men on TV, and not real people. Making stereotypical assumptions about a group of people based on your limited interactions with a few men is a poor reason for writing an a blog post. I debated whether or not I should even comment on this post, because it was so absurd I have to question what was your intention in writing this post?! The Church teaches us we are more than our sexuality. What about “What we can learn from men who struggle with same-sex attraction but still choose to live a chaste life.” Or, “What we can learn from saints who were once great sinners.”

  12. I get what you’re trying to say – that there is some goodness in all people because we are made in the likeness and image of God. But you’re defining these men by their sexuality, as if their orientation is who they are, and all gay men share these characteristic, which is not true. And that heterosexual men do not do these things just because they are heterosexual. It sounds as if you’re talking about the characterture of gay men on TV, and not real people. Making stereotypical assumptions about a group of people based on your limited interactions with a few men is a poor reason for writing an a blog post. I debated whether or not I should even comment on this post, because it was so absurd I have to question what was your intention in writing this post?! The Church teaches us we are more than our sexuality. What about “What we can learn from men who struggle with same-sex attraction but still choose to live a chaste life.” Or, “What we can learn from saints who were once great sinners.”

  13. Sexual sins are sexual sins, regardless of the orientation of those who are committing them. Those struggling with Same Sex Attraction (SSA) are an easy distraction for those of us who don’t share that struggle. A distraction from the onslaught of rampant pornography addiction among teens as young as ten or eleven, including in Catholic schools, co-ops, and youth groups, men and women both having children by multiple partners ending up in poverty and government dependence, porn addiction not just among teens, but the population at large, a hookup culture that is destroying the essence of romantic relationships, a generation of young who have had sex with dozens of people, to name a few. It is easier to point out the sexual sin of something that is obviously disordered, such as a sexual attraction to the same gender, than it is to recognize the disorder of our own desires and sexual sins. The use of contraception is a disordered sin. Didn’t Jesus say that if a man so much as looks at a woman with lust in his heart he has already committed adultery? Well, looks like I’m guilty. How about you? That makes me an adulterer. It is important to continue to learn the authentic teaching of the Church on human sexuality and proclaim those teachings to everyone, whether or not they are gay or straight. We are all called to chastity, regardless of orientation, age, gender, or even marital status. Should the Church reach out to those who have SSA? Absolutely! As well as all of us who still struggle with chastity as well.

    Check out this blog written by a man with SSA who is loyal to the Church. It is fantastic.

    http://www.stevegershom.com/

  14. JQ, thank you for this post. You are brave to share it, as this pathetic comments thread illustrates so perfectly. Shock! Scandal! We can learn from sinners. Even public sinners! Every person we meet knows something we don’t and true humility is not thinking so highly of ourselves as to believe that “those sinners” don’t have anything of value to offer us. Shame.

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