Purity Balls: the Good, the Bad, and the Catholic

He kneels before me, taking my hand in his, and slips a ring on my finger. I look it at: it’s beautiful, so sparkly, and I’m in awe of what it symbolises. This is what love is, I think. He tells me how glad he is so that he is able to give me ring, this pledge, this promise before God Almighty.

SilverRingThing

I am twelve.

We are at a Purity Ball, and “he” is my dad, one of many pledging to protect their daughters’ purity at similar balls across the United States and the World, as recently featured in a Daily Mail article last week.

Okay, so it’s not actually me or my dad. My dad wouldn’t take me to Purity Ball anymore than he would a strip club. (Thankfully!) For many girls around America, however, this is a reality.

What should we make of this as Catholics?

I think these young women and their fathers are to be commended for their intentions, but seriously need to re-think their approach and what it says about it says about sexual purity, paternal authority and self-control.

The good news is that these young women are trying to live the virtue of chastity. As we all know, that’s no easy thing. Purity Balls rightly recognize that chastity is tremendously important, that it is extremely difficult in today’s culture, and that we all need a whole lot of help to remain chaste. 

Purity Balls, however, reveal a distorted view of what purity actually is. Essentially, they say purity = nothing sex at all.

Purity isn’t just about sex.

In both the Bible and Christian Tradition, purity = holiness. Christ promises us that the “pure in heart” will see God. (Matthew 5:8) Indeed, “purity of heart is the precondition of the vision of God.” (CCC #2519) This purity is holiness in heart, mind, spirit and body and without this holiness, “no one will see the Lord.” (Hebrews 12:14)

Purity includes sexual purity or chastity because “chastity lets us love with upright and undivided heart.” (CCC #2520) It is so much more than who you do or don’t kiss, touch, date or have sex with.

The other concerning thing about Purity Balls is the role of fathers. It must be said that these fathers obviously love their daughters and want the best for them.

Still, it is the fathers who are, arguably, the primary subjects of Purity Balls. Their daughters, in contrast, are the objects. This is a problem — not least because WHERE ARE THE MOTHERS AND THE YOUNG MEN??? Leaving that can of worms, Purity Balls reveal a problematic understanding of paternal authority.

Each father makes the following pledge:

I ……’s father, choose before God to cover my daughter as her authority and protection in the area of purity. I will be pure in my own life as a man, husband and father. I will be a man of integrity and accountability as I lead, guide and pray over my daughter and my family as the High Priest in my home. This covering will be used  by God to influence generations to come.

In the Purity Balls featured by the Mail article, the daughter signs as a witness to her father’s covenant to protect her purity and makes a silent pledge herself through “the symbol of laying down a white rose at the cross, before engaging in a wedding-type dance with [her] father.” (HT)

For me, this is easily one of the most concerning aspect of the Purity Balls. Why aren’t these girls the primary subjects in this ceremony around their own chastity? Why are they silent?

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Purity Ball pledges like these reinforce a cruel lie: that men control women’s sexuality.

In a sense, all men are responsible for the chastity of women, just as women are for the chastity of men. We are all responsible for each other — we “bear one another’s burdens” (Galatians 2:6) and make every effort not “to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of a brother.” (Romans 14:13)

But a woman’s body — just like a man’s — belongs first and foremost to her by the gift of God. Only when this is absolutely fixed in our minds can we begin to comprehend how marriage — and indeed sex — is a gift. You can’t truly give what was never truly yours.

Purity Balls encourage young and impressionable girls into a state of passivity about her own sexual being. That is no healthy preparation for marriage.

Paradoxically, it can damage a woman’s determination to pursue chastity.

If she has wrapped her notion of sexual purity in the authority of her father, what happens if he fails her? If she’s used to a man telling her what she can and can’t do with her body, what happens a more persuasive young man comes along? And what of young women who have no fathers to be “her authority and protection in the area of purity”?

On the contrary, the secret of chastity, for both men and women, is self-control. As one of the seven heavenly virtues, chastity is a corollary of the cardinal virtue of temperance or self-control.

Chastity includes an apprenticeship in self-mastery which is a training in human freedom… “Man’s dignity therefore requires him to act out of conscious and free choice, as moved and drawn in a personal way from within, and not by blind impulses in himself or by mere external constraint.” (CCC #2339)

Young women — all of us — need to know that our bodies and our chastity are our own responsibility.

You might be thinking, that’s just a heavy load! Indeed it is: that is the dignity of human beings, created in the image of God.

Just because Purity Balls have a distorted view of sex and authority doesn’t mean vows of chastity are pointless. Perhaps consider a Total Consecration to Jesus through Mary Immaculate or enrolling in the Angelic Warfare Confraternity, an apostolate of the Dominican Friars for pursuing and promoting chastity.

Saint_Thomas_Aquinas_Diego_Velázquez
Diego Velázquez, St Thomas Aquinas, 1632

Best of all, we have the sacraments. As anyone who’s read Scott Hahn knows, our word sacramentum also means oath or vow. In the Eucharist, truly Christ, we receive all the graces we need to lives of purity. It is our pledge that we belong to Him and better still, His that we belong to Him. Without His grace, self-mastery is impossible.

While the loving support of our family and friends is truly helpful, the only “authority and cover” we need to live a chaste life comes from God.

Our Eternal Father offers purity of heart and eternal life to all — no matter who you are, what you’ve done… or who your dad is.

Laura McAlister

Laura McAlister

Laura is a baby Catholic, research student, writer, tea-drinker and aspiring countess from Sydney, Australia. Formerly an Evangelical Protestant, she came back to the Catholic Church in 2012. She disturbs the universe at Catholic Cravings.

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13 thoughts on “Purity Balls: the Good, the Bad, and the Catholic”

  1. Good analysis. In relation to what you said about Purity Balls promoting a passive idea of purity and putting all responsibility on the fathers’ shoulders, I would add that these Purity Balls, as they are described, can perpetuate the notion that purity is just for teenagers. It’s as if once a girl reaches the age of majority and is no longer under her father’s parental authority, purity no longer applies and it’s already a free-for-all when sexual morality is concerned. But the truth is, the call to holiness applies at every stage of one’s life.

    1. Excellent point, Cristina! Chastity is for everyone at every stage of life. There is a serious dearth of resources for young adults who have left the supportive environments of school or college. (It’s one reason I’m so excited about Arleen Spenceley’s book!)

      These Purity Balls, though, are strongly associated with the “Biblical Patriarchy” movement which holds that women are ALWAYS under the authority or “headship” of a man – either her father, husband or another male relative. Many of these girls would be under the “covering” of their fathers until they marry, often remaining at home until they do.

  2. Pingback: Purity Balls: the Good, the Bad, and the Catholic | Karmalight

  3. Catherine Seiwert

    Just as a matter of transparency, have you ever attended a whole one (or preferably more for research) to see the concept happen within it’s entire context? Or is this article based off of hearsay and other opinions filtered through secular press?

    1. Catherine Seiwert

      Sorry if that came across as harsh. I am curious, because I have some thoughts on what you’ve written, but I didn’t want to express them without understanding your point of view and experience more.

    2. From personal interactions, I have seen the extremely damaging effects this can have on young women. No data beyond that for now, but I think it definitely a study worth having. I think Laura’s analysis is spot on in this department!

      1. Catherine Seiwert

        I understand that some people have had bad experiences, but no matter how great any efforts are, or how close to perfection they get, there will always be someone that has a bad experience. In our human nature in this lifetime, that is unavoidable.
        It is much easier to highlight and criticize, but ignore the many who get a lot of positive results from these types of efforts. We are much louder in our complaints about the world than our praises.
        Let’s not forget that anecdotal evidence is not the best evidence to build a case on, while it might be a good reason to look into something.

    3. Hey Catherine, thanks for the excellent question! I mainly followed the secular media reporting but I know to be wary of them! For example, I said nothing about the headline of the Daily Mail article itself: “You are married to the Lord and your daddy is your boyfriend” because I have no way of knowing how representative that awful sentiment is!

      That said, I did research. I am more familiar with the Biblical Patriarchy movement – a far more extreme movement than any complementarianism you’ll find in the Catholic Church – that is the broader ideology behind Purity Balls like these.

      I would love to hear your thoughts though! Pushback and dialogue is always good! 😀

      1. Catherine Seiwert

        That being the case, is this against the Biblical Patriarchy movement or purity balls? My concern is that you’ve run together two different things that might overlap, but are not necessarily dependent on each other.
        There are many fundamentalist that I disagree with, and if they held a purity ball, I probably would disagree with their wording and emphasis, but it wouldn’t be the purity ball that I had a problem with, but their actual belief about sexuality. If someone held a purity ball rooted (USA ‘rooted’ not Aussie ‘rooted’, lol) in Catholic teaching, I wouldn’t have a problem with it.

      2. It’s a good point. I suppose at the moment at least that Purity Balls are fairly strongly wedded (pun totally intended) to “Biblical Patriarchy”. I still think I would have a problem with them from a Catholic perspective because why? If it’s just a ball, then it’s awesome because dresses and dancing are fun! There’s certainly nothing wrong with committing yourself in a specific way to chastity – I have a few friends who are enrolled in the Angelic Warfare Confraternity. I suppose I find the whole thing a bit odd! It would also need to have an equivalent for boys otherwise that double standard remains. I guess it’s all a hypothetical at the moment though! Oh, and massively appreciated the Aussie ‘rooted’ joke! 😉

  4. Catherine Seiwert

    The Abstinence Clearinghouse
    was founded and is run by a Catholic. They recently helped host a purity ball: http://www.abstinence.net/events/
    It’s interesting to read the description in light of your concerns. It is as just as much an aid to help fathers in their responsibility as it is to be a commitment ceremony for the girls.

    Here are some of my thoughts on the matter and your points:

    Boy’s should have an equivalent
    I don’t agree that boys would need an equivalent to a purity ball. Let me specify that I DO think they have to be taught and held to the same standards as girls, I just don’t think that means they have to be dealt with in the same way. A purity ball for boys would most likely flop. Girl’s are in awe at the idea of a ball, a gown, etc. Boys….not so much. Like my earlier point, there are two separate issues here that overlap, but aren’t necessarily dependent: boy’s being held to the same standards and purity balls in and of themselves. Sure, boys should be taught the same standards, but any lack of that happening has no bearing on whether purity balls are okay. It means that separately they need to find a program that engages young men.

    Biblical Patriarchy and Father’s role
    Honestly, I don’t know much about this concept as a ‘movement’, but I know that the purity balls aren’t owned by them. As someone who works in abstinence-only/chastity education, your article was the first time I had put the two together. Maybe it’s because the ones I hear about are just those hosted by organizations like my own, or maybe they have this ‘biblical patriarchy’ thing, but are explicit about it.

    While I think there is a limit and some people can over emphasize and wrongly use the concept of patriarchy, the fact is that the concept, even in the Catholic faith, is not irrelevant, nor bad. As young women, they are still under their father’s authority and their father is still responsible for their development and protection. This is most certainly a Catholic value. Does this take away from a girl’s responsibility for herself? No, but I don’t think anyone is claiming that or encouraging it. Like with many of my points…don’t throw
    the baby out with the bath water. Of course we need to teach girl’s personal responsibility, but we also teach them respect for their earthly father’s authority, just as we teach them to respect their heavenly father’s authority.

    We live in a world where grown men, even fathers and husbands, struggle with not only chastity, but fulfilling their role as husband and father. The ball is meant to support them to. While a girl is young, she is highly impressionable and therefore it is her father’s role to protect her (and the whole family). God has given a father authority over his children, that is his right and his duty. The better the daughter understands this, the more likely she is to respect her
    father. So when she is a teenager, hormones raging, fallen for a boy, and her underdevelopment, risk taking brain seems to be overpowering her better judgment, she has her father’s authority to fall back on. Even if she doesn’t like it, a foundation of trust and respect has been built. Her decisions and her sins are
    her own, but we don’t come out of the womb prepared to handle all the responsibility that is endowed in our personhood.

    You say that is encourages passivity, but I disagree. These girls are asked to make their own commitment to themselves, their future husband, and to God. The opposite issue is we have a big social/family problem of women who are SO aggressive (for lack of a better word) that they have no idea how to be submissive to their husband. Women need to learn to accept and respect the authority of the men in her life (be it her father or husband) in a healthy way, just as much as they need to learn to be responsible for themselves. Her father might fail her, she might fail herself. Her husband might fail her too one day. The issues you raise are
    important to consider, but I highly doubt that many, if any, girls walk away from a purity ball thinking that they have no responsibility.

    The mothers might be there, they might not, but this is a moment specifically for the father/daughter relationship. Mothers and fathers have different roles in the family and different relationships with their children, so why require identical events/behavior?

    Purity
    Of course purity isn’t just about sex. The purity balls choose to have a certain thing as their focus….and that is sexual purity. It is one piece of a bigger picture. It’s one evening, with one particular focus and I think it’s unrealistic to expect to cram ever concept about purity into one couple hour long event. Maybe ‘chastity ball’ would be a more appropriate name, but I think that is splitting hairs. As one father said, it helps him to start the conversation with his daughter. That means this event could be a bonding moment
    between father/daughter that facilitates trust, respect, and an understanding that the daughter can rely on her father for help and guidance.

    1. Catherine Seiwert

      I just want to add that I’m not whole-heartedly endorsing Purity balls. I just think that the need to be given a fair go and NOT judged through the biased secular filter. I recognize that they are not perfect, but you’ll be hard up to find a perfect program, teaching/parenting method, etc. that reaches every issue perfectly without also raising other concerns. Take the Everts or Jackie Francois for example: I absolutely love them, their talks, and they have done wonders for many, but myself and some of my other Catholic friends, who work with youth and young adults, have issues with some of their presentations and feel that certain ideas have potentially harmful effects on thinking.
      I’m okay with constructive criticism and a conversation about how we can do things better, but just also remember that we are on the same side of the fight as those who are hosting these balls. I appreciate that you did put a few sentences that note where the concepts arise from (like Gal 2:6, Rom 14:13) and acknowledge their good intentions, but, to me, your counter arguments more or less disregard the biblical (or Catholic) justifications for the concepts at these balls. Many of your points are valid, but it would have been nice to see more both/and rather than either/or. Please excuse me if I’ve misread you.

    2. I didn’t know there were Catholic purity balls! That’s interesting!

      Absolutely, boys shouldn’t have their ball, that would not go well at all! I meant equivalent in the broadest sense. If girls are publicly committing to the virtue of chastity, how are the boys going to do the same? If it’s helpful to girls, it’s helpful to boys too.

      I tried keep my discussion to the Purity Balls featured in the Daily Mail article mentioned because I’m most familiar with their broader context and it is a topical issue. It is also the form used by the founder of the Purity Ball movement – Randy Wilson.

      I think the problem here is that you understand purity balls in a far healthier context but that’s not its origin. The language of pledge these fathers make is straight out of the Christian Patriarchy playbook: “cover my daughter”, “High Priest in my home” and “generations to come”. Essentially, this movement promotes the idea that women must ALWAYS be under the authority of a man and that her heart belongs to her father until she marries.

      Although there are other Purity Balls, its founding principles of the whole movement are in the Christian Patriarchy movement — I don’t think you can consider one without the other.

      That said, I could have made that clearer and I’m sorry if it seemed like I was condemning ALL purity balls – I don’t know about how all of them work, I was focusing on these sort of balls. 🙂

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