True Love Exists Only in Movies and TV Shows

I was on a university break in Summer of 2011, catching up with some friends over dinner. It wasn’t long before our conversation turned to personal relationships.

My friend confided his fears to me and asked, “What if I don’t love her later in life?”

I’m not belittling his fear–it’s one faced by many, including myself. As humans we can be a maelstrom of emotions. It’s a real struggle to divorce ourselves from how we feel.

I want to address the issue of Love, talking about what it is and  isn’t. The true love we see on TV portrays a poor understanding of this concept. Firstly, I would like to point out that love is addressed many times in the Bible, especially in St. Paul’s First Letter to the Corinthians:

“Love is patient; Love is kind; Love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth.” (1 Cor 13:4-6 NSRV)

For me, this hits the nail on the head. What’s more important is how this passage says what Love isn’t. Being patient, kind, humble–none of these virtues are emotions.

The second point is a matter of language. In English there’s only one word for love. We’ve tried encapsulating every aspect of it into that word. I believe that in the aftermath, we lost some understanding of what love is.

Let’s remember that the NT was written in Greek, and they had different names for all aspects of love. These included Eros and Philia. Eros was romantic love, while Philia referred to brotherly love between friends. One of the greatest words is Agape: Unconditional love, the kind St. Paul refers to.

Love cannot be encapsulated only by its romantic side, Eros–especially not as an emotion. Both Eros and human emotion flow and fluctuate. I’m not trying to downplay the value and beauty of Eros, which has an important role in relationships–especially those just developing. After all, romance is one of the reasons people get married. But romance doesn’t keep still–it rises and falls, especially regarding emotions.

If a relationship is built purely upon emotion and romance, how will it stand when these two dissipate? Agape and Eros must “find a proper unity in the one reality of Love,” as described by Emeritus Pope Benedict XVI (Deus Cartias Est). Eros is the receiving, feel-good factor, while Agape is the willingness to make sacrifices. It means willing the good of someone else irrespective of circumstance, where both of these loves must work in tandem.

Take for example a Priest. The vow of celibacy prevents him from taking a wife, but that doesn’t mean his life is devoid of love because he lacks the romantic side of it. Here’s another example: A mother wakes at 3AM to the sound of her 12-month-old child. She has to be at work in three hours and will need the rest. It’s willpower that drives her out of bed (willpower I’d like to have for early morning lectures.) She may not feel like she wants to get out of bed, but she does anyway because of her maternal nature. Her baby needs her.

Emotional love is good, but it cannot stand alone. It needs to have the driving force of self-sacrificial love, which requires that you give yourself to your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s the same love God shows us, and which we need to show Him. Think of it this way: Desiring to lose weight does little. Discipline is required to maintain a proper diet and exercise regime (the self-sacrifice.)

I love my parents and was with them at every point of their marriage before leaving for university. I was with them through their highs and some of their lows as well. Relationships are hard. When the emotion and romance goes out of a relationship, does this mean it’s run its course? Not necessarily.

Emotions will fluctuate. Real love cannot last if it’s not backed up with Agape, the self-sacrifice required for a strong relationship. You might feel like the emotion is missing, but it doesn’t mean you failed. St. John of the Cross and Blessed Mother Teresa both encountered the Dark night of the Soul: They felt so emotionally unattached to God that it felt like He was far away. That didn’t mean their relationship with Him failed; if anything, they persevered. Their relationship grew stronger.

As with St. John and Mother Teresa, sometimes we need that emotionless state. The Dark Night of the Soul is a test in which we realize relationships shouldn’t rely only on Eros. The test could be God’s way of strengthening our love, like gold put through fire. We find that “Agape must enter into this love, for otherwise Eros is impoverished and even loses its own nature” (Emeritus Pope Benedict XVI).

Audrey Assad is a Catholic musician I couldn’t recommend more highly. Recently I visited her blog, where she wrote about her pregnancy. She mentioned how she looked forward to being “shorn of her self-centeredness” (14 Nov, 2013.) Real love puts you on an emotional high, but it won’t last without self-sacrifice–which must come first.

Give yourselves to God like Tobias and Sara. If He wills it, He’ll bring you through the storms to safe port and enduring love.

Articles Referenced:
Deus Caritas Est, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI
The Greatest Happiness, Audrey Assad

Kachi Ngai is an Undergrad student studying at the University of Queensland, and is in his final year of completing a double degree in Biomedical Science and Politics. He’s been involved in youth ministry work at the University and is hoping to continue his work with his parish youth group and the Newman Catholic Society on campus.

Kachi Ngai

Kachi Ngai

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1 thought on “True Love Exists Only in Movies and TV Shows”

  1. BRAVO!! Excellent commentary! Your three points of Eros, Philia and Agape have been themes in recent writings of mine and are important to remember, but so easily forgotten in today’s emotions driven society. Many young couples start their married life full of Eros, some transcend in later life to Philia, but none – including myself – ever thought we would need to bear the Agape, the only one of the three that generally remains hidden until Christ draws the line in the sand and asks you to step over, without knowing what lies on the other side. I found out what lies there after my wife’s unwanted and unnecessary divorce after 22 years of marriage, and have never regretted my decision to honor my first vows – and her. The peace of Soul that comes with this decision is priceless, as is the deeper Love found for she who remains the only woman in my life and Heart. Continue to stress what you wrote and many successful and Holy Catholic marriages will be the result of your apostolate.

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