I have written before about some of the challenges that face recent college graduates in the transition from school to the workforce. As the tedious parts of adulthood such as paying bills, finding a job, moving to a new apartment, etc., set in, many go through a mourning period of realizing that their post-college life will never be the same as before. Some may close off from the world and other people, since they don’t think adulthood can be as good as college.
One of the areas where one can close off is with friendships. Graduation day is a lot like God dispersing the people from Babel. Once you and your friends receive your diplomas, God often scatters you all over the country in the pursuit of your vocation or job.
You may end up in a new place or move back home, without the support of that strong Catholic community you had in college. You become hesitant to make new friends thinking that there is no way anyone will be as great as your college friends. You begin to spend much of your time checking social media to keep tabs on your old friends instead of going out and meeting new people.
However, this is not how God wants us to live life. We are called to grow throughout our lives not just lament that things have changed. If some of our old friends are still around, it’s good to keep those friendships strong, while maintaining openness for new friends that God may wish to send us. To find good friends after college, I have learned that you must be intentional and take risks, since faithful young adult Catholics will not knock on your apartment door and ask you to be their friends.
There’s no set group of young Catholics all living in the same area like there may have been for you in college. So you have to go out and find community. Go to that young adult Bible study or Theology on Tap on the other side of town. Say hi to the other four Catholics under 30 after the Sunday Mass at your parish. Join an adult sports league or club that interests you even if you don’t know anyone else that will be there.
Will every event you go to be great? No, in fact some might just be really awkward and awful. However, if you do not venture out to explore new options, you won’t make new friends.
Hopefully at some point you meet some people who share your interests. Things seem to be going great until one of them mentions to you that they are considering entering the religious life within the next year, or may be looking to switch jobs and move to the other side of town. On the other hand, you may be thinking of moving somewhere else yourself, and don’t want to put the energy into developing a friendship for the short-term. Because there is a potential that the friendship won’t work out long-term, we decide to scrap the idea of developing it, a rather foolish thing to do.
The young adult life is a time defined by great transitions. Some of the friendships you make now may be only temporary but that is okay. What if God is placing these people in your life now so that both of you can benefit from this relationship, even if it is only a short amount of time? Are you going to miss out on the gift of a friend just because you won’t be around to see their grandchildren grow up?
Instead of living in the fear of the unknown, we need to live in the joy of the present moment and take risks to develop friendships, without putting unnecessary conditions on them. Some may work out, and some may not but we only will know if we try.
So what’s been your experience in developing friendships after college? What has worked for you and what hasn’t?
7 thoughts on “Finding Friends after College”
Excellent article and thank you for posting about this Bob. I like how you said, “I have learned that you have to be intentional and you have to take risks.” It’s so true and finding friends can be a struggle for a lot of people, especially if they move away from their hometown and/or college town.
I wrote a post about this a while back, sharing ideas as to how to make friends after college. Check it out. http://singlecatholicgirl.com/thoughts/making-friends-in-the-real-world/
Thanks for your kind words Molly. I enjoyed reading your article, especially the fact that you highlighted your success and failures in finding friends in the post college life.
Having just graduated and moved from Virginia to Arizona, I can confirm many of your points on friends after college.
It really can be a struggle to come to grips with the “new” you (somewhat paradoxical since everything in the past, everything you know, is what’s gotten you to this point), and surrounding yourself with good, quality people is something a person quickly realizes is a really good idea.
I got lucky in one instance; I showed up to a Knights of Columbus meeting and there was another young guy there and we really clicked, and he and his wife are my best friends so far. But I also (somehow) talked myself into going on a young adults’ retreat offered by a neighboring diocese and met several people that are serious Catholics and great people. Hitting up events that are gonna attract people on fire for their faith and/or interested in growing in it is always a good bet.
The lesson throughout all this is the idea that God has a plan and isn’t going to let your soul be destroyed if you’re listening to him (it’s sometimes been difficult to think otherwise when you’re alone, 2200 miles from home). He’s going to provide you with what you need: friends, relationships, groups, courage, humility.
The Israelites repeatedly failed to trust God even though He had delivered them from bondage in Egypt, brought them through desert wanderings, given them great victories in battle in the Promised Land, among other things. We can’t make the same mistake by 1) failing to acknowledge God’s working in our lives to this point, and 2) failing to trust that He will always give us what’s best for us, and it’s always better than what we can give ourselves.
This is why your point about putting ourselves out there is absolutely spot-on (even if I had to do mental gymnastics to convince myself of its truth during my own struggles). You’ll never give yourself as good a gift as the opportunities God provides, and the yields are always greater than what we can imagine.
I’m sorry I’m not an expert on this and can’t really provide useful bullet-form tips on how to succeed, but the first step has to be convincing yourself that God’s plan is always better than your own, and to take advantage of interesting opportunities as they come.
Hey John, thanks for sharing your experiences. I am glad that the Lord has been working in your life to provide you with friends.
Your discussion about trusting in the Lord is so essential to remember as I know I frequently try to control things instead of giving them over to God. God wants what is best for us, so it is natural that he desires to provide us with good friends. We simply need to respond to his call and take a step of faith.
God bless you out in Arizona.
A whole new spin on this, however, is when you have children. Young adults with kids just don’t have time to hang out with other young adults with kids. And, with kids, you cannot afford to take a weekend out to go on a retreat and you certainly can’t go to a Theology on Tap (taking a 18-month-old to a bar on a weeknight is never a good idea). You simply don’t have the flexibility to join anything. I guess what I’m asking is, what would your advice be for young adults with children?
I agree with you on the difficulties for
young adults with children, it is often an area that is under served in the
Church. The most important thing to do is pray and ask God to bring families
into your lives with whom you can develop great friendships. On a practical
level, maybe you can enlist the help of the parish youth group to volunteer to
babysit while the parents have a night out or go to a Theology on Tap. This
could even be a fundraiser for the youth group. Another suggestion is to invite
some families over to your house for fellowship; kids can play together while
the adults have some social time. If it works well maybe the fellowship can be
rotated around to different families’ homes. I hope this helps. Let me know if
you further specific questions.
At our parish, we take turns with childcare for the weekly women’s bible study and RE on Sundays happens in the nursery so the kids can play while the adults learn. You could probably work out a similar arrangement for young adult meetings.
Great article, Bob!