Remember that time you committed to your vocation, and then the whole process of discerning God’s will was over forever?
Yeah, me neither.
I remember getting married and thinking that discernment was over. That ridiculous, pleading to the Lord to give me direction. Offering myself to God’s will with total abandon. Spending hours in the adoration chapel just listening. Going back and forth between Yes, Lord, Your will be done! Then thinking, What? I am not entrusting this decision to the Spirit. What am I? Crazy?! No, no. Now that I was married it would be easy. I could decide to do whatever I wanted, because I had “found my vocation”. Then came two words that can plague any married couple striving to live God’s will in their marriage:
Responsible Parenthood.
This term gets thrown around a lot, so let’s take a look at what we are really talking about here. Responsible parenthood is referred to in Paul VI’s encyclical, Humane Vitae. In it, he says that, “…responsible parenthood is exercised by those who prudently and generously decide to have more children, and by those who, for serious reasons and with due respect to moral precepts, decide not to have additional children for either a certain or an indefinite period of time” (Humane Vitae, 10). Responsible parenthood is practiced by those who are willfully attempting to achieve conception and by those avoiding it, so long as they are at the same time living the call to be open to life (i.e. practicing a fertility awareness method of spacing children without a contraceptive mentality).
Responsible parenthood does not mean that having more babies will necessarily make you more holy. It doesn’t mean having just one so you can give every resource and moment you have to that one child. It doesn’t mean submitting your tax return to a tribunal for them to determine whether you can bear the financial burden of a child, and thus be morally required to attempt to conceive.
Responsible parenthood means discernment.
Discernment is a word that can make us all sweat a bit, because, like I said, it means giving over our desires, our decisions, and futures to God. It means overcoming fear. It means listening. It means walking by faith, not by sight. It means people calling you crazy, and sometimes thinking they might be right. It means prayer, time, and trust. It means emptying yourself, and letting God fill the space.
In marriage, responsible parenthood means family discernment instead of family planning. That’s why I’m never totally sure how to answer people when they ask about our family size. “When are you having a third? Are you ‘two and through’? Are you going to try for a girl? Surely you need a break, don’t you? What’s your plan?”
Reality check: It’s not about my plan. The two kids I have now weren’t my plan, they were God’s plan. My husband and I just followed His directions. I never planned my kids. My husband and I prayed. We tried to open our hearts. We followed the Church’s teaching regarding contraception. When we felt the call to be open to life, we answered it. We were never trying to have a baby or get pregnant. God’s will has nothing to do with having or getting. It’s about giving our will over, and receiving what the Lord gives us, whatever it might be.
Discerning God’s will for your family is a process. In Gaudium et Spes, it is made clear that the couple must take into account their spiritual lives, their financial situation, the good of the family, society, and the Church. Certainly the couple ought to seek the advice and council of close friends and family who have God’s will for their family at heart, but, “The parents themselves and no one else should ultimately make this judgment in the sight of God” (Gaudium et Spes, 50).
Some families may be called to have one, two, ten, or no children at all. The life to which we are each called is unique, which is why we have to speak about responsible parenthood as a discernment . Who is to say, then, how many children a certain couple must have in order to have been open to life in the call to marriage? Surely, the Church lauds those couples who bring up large families (Gaudium et Spes, 50), but to name the specific number of children a couple must have would be to assume knowledge of the will of God, and I’m not sure I’ve ever met someone in that position.
The issue of responsible parenthood is not meant to be a source of division, but rather inspiration to be open to the will of God. It’s a process that can be aided by discussion and debate, but should not deteriorate into bickering over who is better than whom for having more or fewer children.
The call to responsible parenthood begins with marriage. It might be the end of one discernment, but it’s the start of another. It’s the call to enter more deeply into a relationship of trust, both with our spouse and our Lord. It means asking ourselves, How can I love more deeply? How can I give more of myself right now? Is it through receiving a new life into this family at this time? It also means being open to the answers God wants to give to those questions. Yes, it can be scary. It can be confusing. It can be messy, unfamiliar, and unsettling. But, it can be the most amazing opportunity to grow in holiness that you’ve ever had.
Remember that time you continued discerning God’s will for your marriage and your family and it helped you love like Jesus?
9 thoughts on “Family Planning, or Family Discernment?”
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Great column Lauren. You’ve summed it up so well. I can be hard to define the mentality of “Catholic Family Planning” and it not being a contraceptive mentality if you know what I mean.
Excellent article. Popes Paul VI, John Paul II and Benedict came from three child families. Pope John XXIII had 13 siblings. It takes all kinds. Our Saviour was an only child which is a touching phenomenon around Christmas in China where most region’s families can only have one child and thousands mill around the churches in fascination at Christmas because of the one Child family.
ps…just one correction to the above piece by Mrs. Meyers : Gaudium et Spes was not written by John Paul II but was part of Vatican II.
Oops.
Well done. I think responsible parenting also means not just having as many children as possible in the shortest time frame. My wife was recently at a Catholic convention in NJ and ran into a group of Catholic women who promoted “popping out” as many kids as we can. They asked her how many we had and apparently 4 wasn’t enough. The woman disdainfully told my wife that she needs to have many more children. Forget the fact that our last five pregnancies in a row have ended in stillbirth/miscarriage…
There seem to be two extremes to this issue: the populate the universe crowd and the good ol’ fashioned contraceptive mentality. I like the way you walked the middle in this article!
I really enjoyed your article. And sounds like your situation is pretty close to mine! I’ll have my second boy in about a month and a half. I did get very irritated a couple weeks ago after being asked if I still used the rhythm method (as a joke, but still, how appropriate would it be for me to go make fun of somebody and ask them what they’re doing with their lady parts lately?).
Planning a family is not a bad thing, nor should it be stigmatized. Not everyone lives in a bubble with a dedicated safety net where they can be (or act) carefree. Actions have consequences, and this article shows a stunning lack of insight to the concerns of real people who live in the real world, especially on the margins.