It turns out that I am dying. One day, in the not too distant future, I will be dead. It may be tomorrow or it may be in seventy years, but either way, compared with the scope of history, it will be fairly soon. It will happen to me and to you and to everyone we know. In fact from the moment we are born we are on a path towards death. Death is actually happening all around us. As you read this an old man is breathing his last breath in a nursing home and a middle-aged woman is saying goodbye to her family in a hospital. Over 150,000 deaths occur worldwide each day, yet the modern psyche seems less equipped to deal with death than ever before.
For all of history, illness, death and grief have generally taken place in the home within a family context. However, in the Western World in the last century, death and illness have been relocated behind reception desks and security staff into hospitals, nursing homes and palliative care units. People go in and bodies come out. Yet for most of us the closest we will get to that, is sitting in our car next to a windowless mortuary van at the traffic lights. Of course our progress in healthcare and nursing is a wonderful achievement but it has come at a price, that of us seeing death as a somewhat unique anomaly. This compartmentalisation of death in modern society into purpose built institutions away from ‘real life’ has resulted in a general ignorance and even fear of death.
I saw a film a few years ago titled The Waiting City in which a young Australian couple journey to Calcutta to collect their adopted baby. The film is shot entirely in India and showcases a world that is very different to the one this young couple has come from. One scene shows the funeral of a young child. While this boys dead body is pushed out on a burning pyre across the river; his young friends stand calmly on the banks and sing a Hindu funeral hymn. What stood out was the reality that these children had a greater understanding of death (and probably also of life) than most adults in the Western World.
Death is so very important; we might call it, the great leveler. At the threshold of death, all men and women must, at some point, submit. For the believer, death is the whole purpose of life, it is the entry into eternity and so all of life on earth should be lived with that in mind. Christian tradition has long encouraged the faithful to pray for a ‘happy death’, that is, the foresight to prepare now for that moment when one will stand before the Creator. For the non-believer, death provides a reminder that nothing in this world will last forever, not riches or power or even thankfully pain and suffering. Without death there would no doubt be far more tyranny, greed and selfishness. It would do all of us good on occasions, to stop and reflect on death, and to live our life with that on the horizon.
Living in the 21st century, adults who may have experienced little if any death in their life can fall into a tendency to overprotect children from the realities of grief and loss. We should of course protect children (and ourselves where possible) from gruesome and violent aspects of death, but death in and of itself is not gruesome. In our world death so often gives way to life; the branches of a plant must be pruned to allow for new growth, smaller animals are consumed by larger ones and soldiers give their lives for the lives of their countrymen.
I recall sitting before the bodies of two of my deceased grandparents and while there was the obvious sadness at the loss, it impressed upon me that their whole life and every experience had culminated at this moment. From the generosity of their lives, my own life came about and this is how it has been right back to the dawn of time. In a world that is so unrelenting and unforgiving there is something surreal about being present at a death. Through the tears it is a moment to stop and give thanks for the beauty of life. Far from shunning death and grief, our modern society may just find some much needed healing in recalling that death is an essential part of life.
5 thoughts on “Death. A Part of Life.”
I recall being at my grandmother’s bedside at the moment of her death. My mother, aunt, and I were able to surround her with music and love and say goodbye as she passed peacefully from one life to the next. It was truly a sacred moment, filled with sadness, but also peace, joy, and love.
You are right… and we avoid death and talk of it and familiarity of it to the peril of our well being and our souls. The story of the boy in the movie tells it well.
My husband has an aunt who had a wonderful, loving, faithful husband…he died as an older (but not super old fellow) and she HATED God for allowing her H to die. What did she expect? Was he going to live for 834 years? My husband was a challenge but I was thankful for him and I loved him and I deeply grieve that he died 43 days ago (10 years younger than this particular uncle). I don’t hate God nor do I blame Him…I trust that he gave my husband the days he needed and I might never know why he didn’t get as many as I wanted him to. (Im not saying Im better than my husbands aunt; I do see it as an interesting study in humans often responding better to challenge than to ease.)
And this whole experience for me is so powerful given that I work in death everyday. I interact with newly bereaved parents and walk with them on the first steps of their journeys. They have been strong and steady guides to me in the last 43 days. The first person on my porch the day my husband died was a mother I cared for when her baby died (she brought food). The second person on my porch the day my husband died was a mother I took care of when both her babies (in seperate years) died (she brought kleenex & benadryl). THe 3rd person on my porch after he died was a mother I cared for when her baby died (she brought warm pudding). They came to the funeral by the dozen.
Last night I MC’d a gala for a home for unwed mothers…the home was started to honor a baby who died at birth (the homes have housed 150 moms & their babies). One of the residents gave a lovely testimony about her life and the love she feels at the home and then spoke about how LIFE is a gift and how great it is (which is true, especially when juxtaposed to abortion) …I felt a little awkward knowing that I was about to address the crowd about the deceased baby for whom the home was named and speak of my husbands death and 3 of my tablemates suffered terrible deaths of their babies at term…for a split second, I thought “well you are right, but Im sitting over there at the ‘death’ table”. I dismissed that moment as bizarre irony because everything she said was true and noone knew better than those if us at the “death” table.
I work everyday to try to bring death out of the dark corners where it is not discussed (50,000 babies die each year of natural causes AFTER 20 weeks gestation, yet you hardly ever see a TV show on it) and make it safe to think and talk about. Blog posts like yours above are a great help to get people talking and thinking.
I recently had a chance to teach a 1 hour class on “communicating with newly bereaved parents” to a room full of 50 Doctors some of whom sat literally on the edge of their chairs listening to my every word. One thanked me afterwords and said “noone has ever taught us this before”.
Lastly, I think we as believers can use death as a talking point for our faith…we do not grieve like those who have no hope and our bereavement is a chance to share that with the world.
“For the believer, death is the whole purpose of life, it is the entry into eternity and so all of life on earth should be lived with that in mind.”
How absolutely true – and how this great truth has been ignored in our times! That’s how I begin my PREP Confirmation course every year; I ask the students what is the only certain thing to happen in our lives (which is, of course, death – one can avoid paying taxes) and then I ask them whether they can take anything with them past the moment of their death. Next, I give them a modified version of Pascal’s wager – is it better to bet on God’s and afterlife’s existence or on the things which we are going to lose anyway? This tends to focus their minds on God rather effectively.
Yes, we should look forward to our dying. That’s where our real life begins.
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