Bless Me Father, for I Have Sinned. I Use NFP.

[ 52 ] August 11, 2012 AD |

I read a blog post a few weeks ago titled “3 Things I Secretly Hate About NFP“.

The author’s reasons for hating NFP are that (I’m quoting):

1.) NFP requires a good marriage. It is not enough to desire a good marriage; in order for NFP to work, the marriage must be good to start.

2.) NFP demands too much of men. NFP requires men to become good husbands in the fullest sense of the word, as well as become great lovers.

3.) NFP requires a woman to value her body as good in itself, not merely as a tool for reproduction or male pleasure

The author then sums up that these three reasons truly boil down to one over-arching reason: She “hate[s] that NFP requires self-discipline. [Which] is by definition difficult, and least likely to be had when needed most.”

On one hand, her concerns are legitimate. Like anything, NFP must be used correctly if it is to work, either for achieving pregnancy, postponing pregnancy, or identifying and managing health problems. As Catholics, we also have sexual ethics which our lives are challenged to conform to, sexual ethics which are not always easy to uphold.

However, as Catholics we also have grace and forgiveness extended to us which I find are rarely discussed when NFP is brought up.

Yes, NFP is hard. But I think we go wrong when we start to view NFP as an end, and not a means. NFP is a tool which we can use to help us work with God to make our marriages better. It’s a way for men to learn to communicate to and with their wives. Using NFP can teach a woman about how truly “fearfully and wonderfully [she is] made“. But, like any tool, it has to be used properly. To use NFP properly, I firmly believe that a couple must go to Confession as often as possible. And if only one spouse is Catholic, it is all the more important!

The author is right. It is not enough to simply desire a good marriage. The couple must be willing to work for it too! God requires us to grow and, consequently, so does NFP. We can’t just complain about NFP or our sins. We need to actively seek Christ and place Him at the head of our lives. As Catholics we need to remember that God doesn’t want us to fail. He’s not waiting for us to get tripped up just so that He can laugh at us and damn us to Hell. He’s a merciful and loving God, as well as a just one. And because He is so merciful and loving, He has given us the sacrament of Confession and the Eucharist to nourish us when times are tough.

So when we start to view our bodies as tools for reproduction only, we need to go to Confession and ask for the grace to view our bodies as God does. When we fail as husbands, wives and lovers, we need to go to Confession and ask for the grace to become better spouses/lovers. And when our marriage is on the rocks, we need to go to Confession and ask for the grace to see our marriage as God sees it, and the strength to work to make it better.

I recently went to Confession and when my confession turned toward the NFP realm the priest fell silent. When he looked at me, it was with compassion as he said “Wow, thank you for doing this.” He went on to affirm that NFP can be difficult and to encourage me to continue persevering in following God’s plan for marriage. His response to my failures was exactly how I imagined Christ would have responded: with love, acknowledging that we are trying, yet still firm in saying that we can do better.

Actually, I think NFP is just one more way that God has designed for us to rely on Him more fully. It opens our eyes to our areas of weakness and we know that the only way we can be strengthened is through Him. He won’t let us be blind, but He also doesn’t desire that we fail. And so we practice NFP, we go to Confession and receive the Eucharist, and we go back to the bedroom, fortified with God’s love and grace. We repeat this cycle for the rest of our lives, with the hope, nay, the assurance that when we desire and truly work towards becoming Saints, God will give us the grace to do so, even when it seems like all is lost.

Facebook23Twitter13Google+1Reddit0Pinterest1Email

Tags: , , , ,

Category: Featured, Married Life, Sacraments, Women's Issues

About the Author ()

Kayla Peterson is a Catholic, a wife, and a book addict. On June 25, 2011 she married the love of her life. Together, they are working on building their marriage for the Lord. Though she is Catholic and her husband is not, they enjoy worshiping Christ together, finding common ground, and trying not to shout about their differences. Their hope is that their children will know, love, and honor God with all their hearts, minds, and souls. Kayla blogs about interfaith marriage and other topics that strike her fancy at The Alluring World.
  • http://www.catholicland.blogspot.com SWP

    I could not agree with you more. JPII defined chastity as ‘an apprenticeship in self-mastery’ and I have always been encouraged by that. I am running the race- it’s not over yet. I am fighting the good fight- it’s not over yet. I am an apprentice and not a masterpiece. NFP allows me to cultivate virtue with my wife, to become more like St. Joseph and less like my former self. I have come so far and yet have so far to go. God really does tenderly educate us more and more about our weakness and His strength as time goes on.

  • http://oh-my-soul.blogspot.com Sarah Marie

    “So when we start to view our bodies as tools for reproduction only, we need to go to Confession and ask for the grace to view our bodies as God does. When we fail as husbands, wives and lovers, we need to go to Confession and ask for the grace to become better spouses/lovers. And when our marriage is on the rocks, we need to go to Confession and ask for the grace to see our marriage as God sees it, and the strength to work to make it better.”

    Oh, I love this! God is at work in all areas of our lives, big and small. Too many people detach and separate their sexuality from God’s will, and so they accept their own excuses that “NFP is too difficult” or puts “too great a strain on their marriage”. NFP is a way to exercise a uniquely Catholic version of sexuality, one that doesn’t separate us further from God and God’s will, one that doesn’t demoralize women, one that uplifts man as someone in control of his desires (not merely an animal who has no control over such things). I can’t add anything else. Great post!

  • Pingback: Natural Family Planning Attachment St. Benedict LCWR | Big Pulpit

  • Fr. W. M. Gardner

    “So when we start to view our bodies as tools for reproduction only, we need to go to Confession and ask for the grace to view our bodies as God does.”
    I respectfully would like to suggest that our bodies are made primarily for reproduction. Interestingly, we are more like unto God than to the angels in this regard. The Father begets the Son; and parents bring forth children. But angels do not make baby angels.
    Also, I believe it was St. Thomas who wrote that the woman is properly understood “in utero”; that is, in reference to her ability to conceive and bring forth life. In other words, the first vocation of a woman is to be a mother.
    Thus, a matter for confession (in general) might be: Am I using NFP for serious reasons? If not, then I would be acting illicitly to circumvent the primary end of sexual relations.

  • http://philotheaonphire.blogspot.com Jay Boyd

    Fr. Gardner is right on the mark, I believe. Society today seems to have forgotten that procreation is the primary end of marriage and that there is a “duty of motherhood”.

    Also, I’d like to comment on this statement: “I think NFP is just one more way that God has designed for us to rely on Him more fully.” I’m sorry, but I do think this is a rather self-deceptive idea held by those who promote NFP for the sake of “spacing” or limiting births. It does not help us to rely on Him more; it encourages us to elevate ourselves to His level. I see many comments that “We prayed, and discerned that having a child right now is not in God’s plan”, but I have yet to see one that says, “We prayed, and discerned that God DOES want us to have a child right now, even though we are dead set against it.”

  • http://imperfectkate.wordpress.com Kate

    Well then, Jim – Let me be the first. My husband and I prayed, and even though we had some deep reservations (money, jobs) we discerned that God was calling us to switch from TTA to TTC.
    We are due in December.

    I also take issue with the idea that a woman’s first vocation is physical motherhood. I love me some saints, but they are human and therefore imperfect. Scripture tells me that celibacy and abstinence are not sinful.

  • Paige

    I second Kate. We are in our first cycle of not charting. Do we know if it’s God’s will that we conceive? Not sure. But I’m entirely sure it’s not my will. I am entirely sure that our grave reasons no longer exist.
    I would also argue that using NFP because you want a baby, stat! Is not a licit use of NFP either. Where is God’s will in that? Plenty of people treat babies like designer handbags rather than gifts.

  • Molly

    Kate – I think that the idea of being made for motherhood is best understood with a wider net; it’s not necessary to give birth to a child and raise it in order to be “motherly” there are a great number of women who mother to our children and communities without being biologically or even legally attached to them.

    One thing I think is worth pointing out is that the original 3 things post is not meant to be reasons why she hates and therefore can’t support NFP, merely they are challenges associated with the process that makes it difficult to access for a number of our population.

    Even as an approved tool for the spacing of children NFP can be used with the wrong frame of mind. It is one thing to use a natural method to attempt to space out children because of certain circumstances, but still willing to welcome in the children you receive no matter when they are conceived and another to use the method to constantly put off children in a Church approved way for selfish reasons (ooh they’re sooo expensive, I can’t give up my me time, etc.)

    Paige – many women can tell you that there is nothing “STAT” about using NFP as a tool to conceive. It can still take months or even years for a child to be conceived by charting parents. If sex is for procreation first than what is wrong with using a natural method to optimize it’s primary use particularly if God has the final say anyways. =)

    And lastly, I think a big part of this discussion stems from the incorrect assumption that NFP is the only way for Catholic couples to have sex. There are many couples who use what a friend calls “Awesome Family Planning”, which is to say no planning at all because they have not discerned any major reasons to work with God to limit their family size or spacing in any other way. NFP is simply a Church approved tool for those who are having difficulty conceiving and for those who run into major health or financial reasons to aid in the responsibility of their choices.

  • Open to life

    We too discerned that we no longer had just reasons to postpone when our daughter was almost 12 months old, though both my husband and myself did not think we were really ready for another pregnancy at that time, for various reasons. Our daughter is now 20 months old and I am still not pregnant, but we don’t have any just reason for trying to avoid another pregnancy. Frankly, it’s none of anyone’s business.

    I think it must be a terrible ache inside of someone who purposefully cuts off their fertility through sterilization before they were aware of the beauty of the Church’s teaching. I can only imagine the kinds of ideas someone who has done that might come up with in order to atone for thier previous actions. But what I do think is that the fact that a woman who has been sterilized before becoming Catholic has NEVER had to wrestle with these big questions in anything other than an abstract way makes her unable to empathize with what women whose very lives and selves are in question here. These are questions which those of us who are not permanently infertile have to wrestle with on a monthly (if not more often than that) basis. This is not abstract philosophy to us, this is our lives. I think that is missed in this disscussion on some people.

    Also, I wonder if those campaining against NFP spend as much time campaigning against contraception in the secular world? Just curious.

    Oh, by the way, Kayla, excellent post.

  • Molly

    Open to Life – are you talking about someone in particular (the sterilized woman section of your comment) or just a generalization?

  • http://www.guggiedaly.blogspot.com Guggie

    Thank you for discussing that article in more depth. Although I, too, recognize that difficult things deserve attention, at the same time, the tone of that article really seemed off to me.

    No one is perfect in a marriage. No marriage is perfect. And no one said getting married and doing the right thing was super easy. The majority who use contraception speak to that truth.

    When people elevate normal things, (such as our normally functioning bodies which are only fertile for one small window out of an entire cycle) they can then justify that which falls below normal (such as replacing our endocrine system with synthetic hormones or self-mutilating ourselves for sterility.)

    The plain truth is: it’s hard. It’s hard to rule yourself. It’s hard to stand by your convictions. It’s hard to respect your body in a disrespectful culture. It’s hard to give fully and completely when you’re scared of what might happen. But NFP is not something only for saintly, perfect couples. It’s for everyone, everywhere. Every human body deserves respect and every woman and her partner has the right to understand their fertility in the context of their relationship.

    Kudos to you for sharing.

  • http://thealluringworld.blogspot.com Kayla Peterson

    To all who read what I wrote, thank you.

    @ Fr. Gardner – I would say that is one of our purposes, of course, but what I wrote was that we should not view our bodies as machines, created only to create other people.I do agree with you that women are called to mother – biological mothers, spiritual mothers, adoptive mothers, caretakers, etc. Let’s remember that nuns are no less mothers than married women, though they will not be conceiving any children, whether they are fertile or not.

    @ Jay – it’s interesting that you think only couples who use NFP use it to abstain. Your comment also sounds like you are implying that couples who are trying to conceive children are not relying on the Lord. I assure you, both scenarios are not the case. NFP is used to conceive as well as postpone pregnancy. There is a need to rely on the Lord in both situations.

    @ Everyone else – thank you all for sharing your stories. Discerning family size is a very sensitive subject for all involved. Let’s turn this into a very productive conversation and ask ourselves: How can we help other couples recognize that God loves them, even when they sin? Because I think the knowledge that we sin, and sometimes the sheer amount (or perceived amount) of our sins can get so overwhelming that we can’t believe that God loves us, so why even try?

    Lastly – I wish there were no divide between those who practice NFP to space/conceive children, and those who use no method whatsoever. God has called each of us to grow our families at different times and in different ways! There does not need to be fighting in the camp about who’s way is better – that’s silly and pointless.

  • http://realcatholicloveandsex.blogspot.com/ Kate

    We have used NFP TTA for over a year and now we find ourselves pregnant with our 4th (this is also our 3rd unplanned).

    Now, for certain, I will tell you that I am not ready for this baby- not emotionally or psychologically. I did WANT a baby, I did not WANT a pregnancy. Being open to life and allowing God to make use of my fertility is what NFP is all about. It is having faith and keeping in constant communication with God every cycle. It demands a better prayer life.

    I am praying for the courage and grace to handle 4 young children and keep sane.

    NFP has been wonderful for our marriage and our family. It has been difficult, however, and pushes us to deepen our faith and trust in each other and in God.

  • Ez

    1) I think when someone hasn’t looked deeper at fertility In their marriage, and they are Catholic, then it is important to understand why, for example that person chose sterilization or chose to stop having children. It leads nowhere to judge. A lot of the time, that couple has no idea how contraception works let alone the woman’s body. Understand, in order to help another person understand.

    2) Many people use practical reasoning (finances, being able to cope emotionally etc…for both man and woman), and these are very valid reasons to that couple. I beleive NFP is important because the only alternative is anti-life and harms the unborn embryo (eg. Contraception and sterilization) I am also practical about me and my husbands decision on family size. I suppose, for us it develops as we go along.

    3) But I really beleive that if you are not committed to having more children, raising them with care, time, love, patience then having more children isn’t right, and NFP should be used. And I don’t feel this is counter to God or His intention for our lives. I have witnessed too many children who have been neglected in large families because couples think they are more “catholic” the more children they have. A very dear friend of mine is one of these.
    At the same time, seeing large families with such dedicated parents in just so special to see.

    Anyway, I always try and see two sides to the coin, because I feel it is condescending and judgmental to be otherwise.

    Very insightful article.

  • http://realcatholicloveandsex.blogspot.com waywardson

    @Fr. Gardener, Jay:

    You are being “more Catholic than the Pope”. You are confusing couples with incorrect teaching. Please stop. Historically, most heresies have been about being too hard than about being too lenient. (Pelegianism, Donatism, Jansenism, etc.)

    The USCCB has an article covering the issue. I would trust our bishops over any random “priest” or internet poster. http://old.usccb.org/prolife/issues/nfp/seriousq.shtml

    The Church calls married couples to BOTH generosity and openness to life AND to responsible parenthood. Couples may space pregnancies for just reasons, but not out of selfishness. CCC 2367-68 covers this. Pius XII said that the reasons may be very broad. John Paul II said that married love should be both “fruitful and responsible”.

    All the popes have endorsed the development and use of natural methods of family planning as an aid to living responsible parenthood. John Paul II especially sees them as enabling the spouses to become a total gift to one another. So does Benedict XVI.

    Yes, the Catholic Church says that large families are a good thing, but we are not all called to have them. Not everyone is called to take a vow of celibacy or a vow of poverty. Not everyone can handle lots of children.

    This is why the matter is one of discernment for each individual couple. And we should not assume that a couple who is using NFP TTA is doing so out of selfishness. A couple who is using NFP TTA out of selfishness will have all sorts of problems in their marriage. The “selfish NFP couple” would be more likely to have a sexless marriage than be sexually sinning.

    @Sarah Marie:

    As for the difficulties with NFP, I see scrupulosity as being a far bigger problem among couples who practice NFP than selfishness or any other sort of sexual sin. Couples who chart, however imperfectly that they follow all the Church’s teachings, just don’t have the selfish sexuality that the Church is so much against.

    My problem is not with NFP, but the “All or nothing” attitude that usually accompanies it. This why a big reason why 80% of Catholic women take “nothing”. Benedict XVI and the CCC recognize that chastity is a process. Trying to do EVERYTHING before you are spiritually or relationally ready sets couples up for frustration and failure.

    @Kate #2:

    I can relate to being the hyperfertile couple. Two children, one “marginally planned”, the other unplanned. We must practice NFP very carefully if we want to avoid pregnancy. There are no “taking chances” or “risking it” for us and that is hard.

    Being emotionally and psychologically not ready for a pregnancy IS a good reason to avoid. Self-care is not selfishness. I seriously doubt that the Church wants us to disregard serious reasons and responsible parenthood for sexual relief.

    Of course, God has the last say, which is also very difficult. An unexpected blessing when you are not ready for it is HARD. Having been in this situation ourselves, the “babies are wonderful, so stop complaining” attitude is very hurtful.

  • waywardson

    @Ez:

    Then there are couples who struggle with using the method to avoid. We initially chose the wrong NFP method for us and couldn’t prevent pregnancy when we did have serious reasons. (We don’t know for certain when we conceived EITHER child.)

    Kate is responding to her high fertility in prayer and becoming closer to God, which is great, but I can certainly see where someone in her situation would turn to contraception or sterilization. We did for a time. Our struggles with NFP were such that we really did think it was “Vatican Roulette” and we simply could not handle another pregnancy and were very angry at the Church for the whole thing.

    Turns out all we needed was medical advice on a better method. Instead, all we got was judgment, criticism of our relationship, and questioning of our faith.

  • Jordan

    I did not get the impression that the author of that article does not understand or agree with what you have said. Personally, I quite appreciate when someone takes a topic like NFP from time to time and vents about things a little. Can you go to far and complain too much? Sure. But I think many authors and speakers (not you necessarily) do a disservice to people seeking advice/better understanding when they do not point out that things like NFP will be easier for some than for others, or easier at certain times than at others. It is very easy to feel pious and holy in your life (not just with regards to NFP, but with anything) when things are going more or less how you want them to. It’s very hard feel the same way when you feel like Job 2.0.

  • Maria

    I must confess that I am of the pre-Vat II generation, from a family of 9. To perhaps give a little perspective, the main organization of couples practicing NFP before Vat II formally advised Paul VI that NFP was not a good thing in the end because it was a burden.

    Two popes before John 23 also were against NFP because, as was proclaimed, it “frustrates the marital bond.”

    I can testify that the years I practiced NFP were dark years in my marriage, and probably led to an early divorce. I was told the same thing by a doctor who has 9 children and was divorced. Especially with larger families, the need for the marital bond is essential in maintaining the union of hearts and minds facilitated by it.

    For this reason, NFP was pronounced to be a mortal sin before Vat II.

    To say NFP is natural is not entirely accurate. It is the fruit of medical technology that hundreds of generations never had.

    God bless you in your efforts, but for those of you who are discerning that NFP is not bearing good fruit in your marriage, please don’t punish yourselves with guilt. Non-abortifacient contracepting has been practiced for millennia through the use of God’s material gifts.

  • http://livingthesacrament.com Kristin D

    So first of all wonderful thoughts Kayla! I’m with ya!

    Second…wow…I’m just a bit floored by some of these comments. So it sounds like we can mostly agree that NFP can be used licitly for “serious reason”…..some just don’t believe a couple is capable of making this discernment in a way that doesn’t “elevate themselves to God’s level”…unless of course they are choosing to TTC. Then we have the commenter who agrees that NFP is bad and attemps to support their argument by quoting past Popes/church history and poorly interpreting their statements about birth control, and ending with an attempt to promote barrier methods as licit (“God’s material gifts???!!”) simply because they aren’t abortifacient….what???? I’m virtually throwing my hands in the air on this one…can you see me? Hands in the air..right now…

    For anyone searching for the truth it’s pretty simple. Follow the Church and listen to the Pope. Don’t be your own Pope or listen to anyone else who is attempting to fill the role. Waywardson (commenting above) posts a good link to a summary on the subject of serious reason and as he said it’s from the USCCB, not a random internet poster. You don’t have to believe me either but if you want to know more about what the Catholic church actually teaches, take the proper steps to inform your conscience from the Church itself, not those dissenting from it.

  • http://Www.dsdoconnor.com Daniel O’Connor

    Waywardson-

    Just what constitutes a sufficiently serious reason to use NFP to avoid conception is up for debate, and no doubt some are too strict.

    But the principle of the matter, the fact that the reason must indeed be serious, is not up for debate. You are a heretic if you deny that. You are better off in a Protestant church in that case, because your Communion is a sacrelige.

    Just pointing out the simple truth, my friends. If you take issue with that, take it up with God.

    In Christ, through Mary,
    Daniel

  • Henry Bowers

    Kate said: “Scripture tells me that celibacy and abstinence are not sinful.”

    But purposefully abstaining during fertile periods for a selfish reason is sinful. (CCC 2370)

    This is because, as Humane Vitae clarified, such action is an attempt to “control the sources” of life rather than to “minister to the design” of life.

    In such cases of abstinence, NFP entails a contra-life will, and thus becomes contraceptive, a mortal sin.

    There is a difference between actively willing a good not to materialize, and simply not willing that the good materialize. The latter is licit only if it would go against all reason to conceive a child.

  • http://realcatholicloveandsex.blogspot.com/ Kate

    The fact is and will always remain that each couple will have to determine (prayerfully) what is best for them and their family and their future- and if you, as an outsider, label them “selfish” then you are no better than any other hypocrite.

    Moral theology is always common sense stuff, you shouldn’t be scrupulous about it either.

  • http://realcatholicloveandsex.blogspot.com waywardson

    THIS is the Catechism of the Catholic Church. Quoted verbatim from the Vatican website.

    2367 Called to give life, spouses share in the creative power and fatherhood of God.153 “Married couples should regard it as their proper mission to transmit human life and to educate their children</b; they should realize that they are thereby cooperating with the love of God the Creator and are, in a certain sense, its interpreters. They will fulfill this duty with a sense of human and Christian responsibility.“154

    2368 A particular aspect of this responsibility concerns the regulation of procreation. For just reasons, spouses may wish to space the births of their children.It is their duty to make certain that their desire is not motivated by selfishness but is in conformity with the generosity appropriate to responsible parenthood. Moreover, they should conform their behavior to the objective criteria of morality:

    When it is a question of harmonizing married love with the responsible transmission of life, the morality of the behavior does not depend on sincere intention and evaluation of motives alone; but it must be determined by objective criteria, criteria drawn from the nature of the person and his acts criteria that respect the total meaning of mutual self-giving and human procreation in the context of true love; this is possible only if the virtue of married chastity is practiced with sincerity of heart.155

    2369 “By safeguarding both these essential aspects, the unitive and the procreative, the conjugal act preserves in its fullness the sense of true mutual love and its orientation toward man’s exalted vocation to parenthood.”156

    2370 Periodic continence, that is, the methods of birth regulation based on self-observation and the use of infertile periods, is in conformity with the objective criteria of morality.157 These methods respect the bodies of the spouses, encourage tenderness between them, and favor the education of an authentic freedom. In contrast, “every action which, whether in anticipation of the conjugal act, or in its accomplishment, or in the development of its natural consequences, proposes, whether as an end or as a means, to render procreation impossible” is intrinsically evil:158

    So, what does this mean?

    2367: Spouses are called to have children AND be responsible parents.
    2368: Spouses may avoid conception for just reasons, however:
    They must prayerfully discern whether they are avoiding pregnancy out of responsible parenthood and not out of selfishness.
    The means that they choose to do so must be moral.
    2369: Preserving the unitive and procreative aspects of sex true mutual love and orientation to parenthood.
    2370: NFP is an objectively moral means of preventing pregnancy. Contraception is intrinsically evil.

    Selfishness is, of course, can be a problem in all areas of our life. But if the Church had a problem with NFP, they wouldn’t have said that “Periodic continence respects the bodies of the spouses, encourages tenderness between them, and favors the education of an authentic freedom.”

    I don’t think couples CAN practice NFP selfishly. The lifestyle is so opposed to selfishness that it doesn’t make sense, unless the selfishness has so eroded the relationship that they have a “sexless marriage”.

    If you have issue with that, I am sure you can find a schismatic congregation that suits you better.

    • Anonymous

      I have a sexless marriage because my wife has no desire during infertile times. She does not feel that she should have to have sex if she is not in the mood. Hence, we go months without having sex. We have 5 kids. So triple that number and you can count the number of times in 10 yrs of marriage. Before the kids came, this was not a problem. But we conceived when we had been married 3 months. It’s been this way ever since. 3 of the last 4 have been wonderful surprises for sure! We always knew during those times except the last one that conception wa possible and we were open to it…though not ‘planning’ it.

  • http://realcatholicloveandsex.blogspot.com/ Kate

    Henry Bowers-
    “But purposefully abstaining during fertile periods for a selfish reason is sinful.” (CCC 2370)

    You quoted the CCC and I looked it up and that is not what it says.

    2370 speaks of artificial contraception as sinful but not of NFP.

    2368 Does speak of “just reasons” as a “duty” of the couple. It is intentionally vague.

  • http://Www.dsdoconnor.com Daniel O’Connor

    Very sad, wayward….. You have shown your true colors….. You have just explicitly rejected the infallible Magisterium (which, in the very quote you provided, says the reasons to use NFP must be just) by saying it is impossible to use NFP selfishly. I can only pray for you now.

  • http://realcatholicloveandsex.blogspot.com waywardson

    @Daniel O’Connor: I don’t think you understood either my post or the magisterium.

    “NFP respects the bodies of the spouses, encourages tenderness between them, and favors the education of an authentic freedom.” THAT is an almost direct quote from the Catechism.

    NFP goes against selfishness. JPII and Benedict XVI have written quite a bit about just this.

    Yes, in theory, a couple could “practice NFP” selfishly, but to do so, the selfishness would have to be so profound and so pervasive that more than likely the love is gone and they really are not practicing NFP, but have a sexless marriage.

    Second, even if a couple did practice NFP selfishly, the method is so unselfish that they could not do so for long. Either they would contracept or they would become more open to life. The latter happens quite often.

  • http://imperfectkate.wordpress.com Kate

    I have to agree with Wayward Son – as someone who has actually practiced NFP both to avoid and to achieve pregnancy – NFP functions against selfishness. Couples communicate constantly, pray constantly, and are intrinsically aware of eachother’s desires, needs, and emotions. That’s how it works – if you’re not doing that it’s not working. Wayward son is exactly right, the method is so unselfish that they could not practice it selfishly for long.

    Periodic abstinence – at the time when my husband and I want to have sex the very most – has brought us not only closer to each other but also closer to God. I can understand how somebody who has never tried this might not understand, and that’s ok – I’ll never know what it’s like to be a priest or sister, so I couldn’t really criticize them on the method they use to adhere to celibacy.

    But I think that Kristin is right, “don’t be your own pope or listen to somebody trying to fill the role.” So, regardless of what snarky uber-trad zealots who project their issues onto other people may post on teh interwebz, I know the Catechism, I know scripture, and with the help of our confessors and spiritual directors, my husband and I are – contrary to what some here may believe – capable of discerning God’s will for us.

    And, though I’m scared and I’m worried (constantly worried about money!), I’m so grateful that God has called us to parenthood right now. The little miracle He gave us after months of using NFP to try to conceive, grows within me every day, teaching me more & more about relying on God. And when he or she is born, then my husband and I will pray & discern how long God is calling us to wait – which will allow us to devote as much time and attention to our child as our family needs. And all of this is still in keeping with the Catechism and scripture.

    That is, assuming you accept that B16 & JPII are, y’know, popes. ;-)

  • http://www.nyknyc.com Ren Lynn

    LOL ! OK I AM GONNA SAY IT … WHAT IS NFP ?? DOES IT HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY COMPUTER?? IS IT A NEW MARKETING TECHNIQUE??
    NFP NFP – WHY AM I THE ONLY PERSON HERE WHO HAS NO CLUE WHAT THE HELL THIS IS??
    PEOPLE YOU MUST STOP TALKING IN ABBREVIATIONS LIKE WE KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKIN BOUT CAUSE WE DONT

    • http://www.ignitumtoday.com/2012/08/11/bless-me-father-for-i-have-sinned AC

      glad that you asked: NFP also includes what we did: when women fully ‘ecologically breastfeed’ their child, the full-time nursing spaces babies naturally. Some argue that this is contraception, too, but it is simply biologically how we are made by our creator: the BFeeding hormone opposes fertility. See nfpandmore.org for definitions

  • http://www.DSDOConnor.com Daniel O'Connor

    I sure hope the condescension and general lack of charity isn’t being directed towards me. All I’ve done is stated clear and explicit authoritative Church teaching (that NFP can only be licitly used to avoid conception for serious/just/grave – whichever word you prefer – reasons). I expect that to garner me persecution on, for example, NYTimes.com forums… not on ignitumtoday. Heck, for all you guys know, I think that not being able to afford a Chevy Suburban is a grave enough reason to use NFP. I’m choosing not to comment on the interpretation of “just/serious/grave.” I’m merely insisting that we agree upon the PRINCIPLE. If you don’t submit to the Church on the principle, yes, it may hurt to hear… but you’re a heretic. I’m sorry.

  • http://www.DSDOConnor.com Daniel O’Connor

    Ren – NFP = Natural Family Planning. By it the woman’s cycle is charted so that fertile periods of it may be predicted, and intercourse may be avoided on the fertile days so as to avoid conception.

  • Albrecht

    I’m always curious about the details when someone says that NFP can only be used for “grave” reasons. Where exactly is the sin? Is it in electing not to have sex? Or is it in taking note of one’s fertility? Or is it merely in a general reluctance to conceive?

    Clearly it is no sin for married couples to have few or no children–unless you want to instruct the Holy Family in married life. Clearly abstinence is a human freedom belonging to all. Clearly the knowledge of one’s own fertility is not sinful–nor, in broad strokes, is such knowledge even avoidable. And if reluctance (not to say unwillingness) to conceive is a matter of sin, it is a sin that has little or nothing to do with NFP, but which has afflicted all rational people in all times. Such are the burdens of Eden.

    Moreover, if someone came to the conclusion that ecological instability from population growth in the world in and of itself had become a grave reason to reign in his or her fertility, you may choose to disagree, but there is certainly no theological basis for declaring them wrong.

  • http://www.DSDOConnor.com Daniel O’Connor

    Reluctance to conceive is the matter of sin, if that reluctance manifests itself as an act of the will of using NFP without just/grave/serious reason. I sure hope you aren’t permitting your curiosity to cause you to doubt Church teaching, Albrecht.

  • Arcadia

    NFP is contraception…the couple is still “playing God” by deciding when and who should be born. NFP could be used in EXTREME cases that should be okay-ed by the priest. Married couples are placing their souls in grave jeopardy by not keeping themselves always open to new life…period.

    • Henry Bowers

      How would the priest okay an intrinsic evil?

  • http://realcatholicloveandsex.blogspot.com/ Kate

    Daniel,
    With a few exceptions- I don’t think anyone here is disagreeing with your point that, yes indeed, a couple needs grave/serious/just reasons. The argument I am seeing is that what qualifies ‘just’ and the sinfulness associated with it.

    It appears that those in here that are arguing on the side of “NFP is good and necessary” are the ones using it. Those that have strong objections to it often have no children (or very few).

    The teachings surrounding Natural Family Planning are woven into the fibers of our faith. It is a series of licit acts that allows couples to prayerfully decide (the wife, husband, and God) when and if children should be conceived.

    Now- often people have objections to this because they consider it to be contraceptive. NFP does not prevent pregnancy in any way, it only acts to avoid pregnancy. The Church, in Her wisdom, has given us a vague idea of how to discern this for our own lives. We must have “just” reason according to the Catechism of the Catholic Church to avoid and/or space pregnancy. That is all. It does not need to be EXTREME or life threatening to be considered ‘just’. NFP means that the couple IS open to life even when they are choosing to not conceive.

    By adding or rejecting ANYTHING from my above statement you are claiming to have more knowledge that our Church. This is the faith and we must live humbly according to it through prayer and the Sacraments and seeking counsel from priests when necessary.

  • http://virtuouspla.net/ Joseph

    Arcadia,

    First of all, explain how you’re definition of the term NFP (“NFP is contraception”) jives with reality? It doesn’t, NFP as a term means merely a method of tracking a woman’s fertility. Dick and Jane can track Jane’s fertility and still have all the baby-making love they want. Meaning, one can use NFP and not abstain. The term is not undersood as “for the sake of prevention of birth.” It is undersood as “tracking fertility.” This can be seen in the very real fact that people talk about “using NFP” in two different ways, 1) to prevent pregnancy, and 2) to get pregnant.

    Extreme cases? Where in Catholic literature on this subject does the Church use the term “extreme”? Tell me, refer to it, quote it, give me a link, I dare you. Show me how my suspicions that you are judgemental jansenist is incorrect, and prove instead I’m some sort of soft protestant. I can’t wait.

  • http://realcatholicloveandsex.blogspot.com waywardson

    This is from the USCCB link. This is the position of the Church and my position as well. No more, no less.

    http://old.usccb.org/prolife/issues/nfp/seriousq.shtml

    John Paul II takes every opportunity to encourage the development of NFP as a way of spacing births.4 “When,” he says “by means of recourse to the periods of infertility, the couple respect the inseparable connection between the unitive and procreative meanings of human sexuality, they are acting as ‘ministers’ of God’s plan.” (FC, no. 32) He is at pains to counter those who would interpret too narrowly the Church’s teaching on the licitness of natural methods, adopting a form of providentialism, citing both Gaudium et spes no. 50 and Humanae vitae no. 10. “God the Creator invites the spouses not to be passive operators, but rather ‘cooperators or almost interpreters’ of His plan.”5 The spouses are to exercise the virtue of prudence in a considered assessment of the well-being of the whole family. Reason and will are not to be abandoned in favor of a passive submission to physiological processes. Husband and wife are called to stewardship of all their gifts, especially fertility, which concerns the birth of a new human person made in the image of God and destined to union with Him for all eternity.

    If you want to disagree with this, then you have the burden of proof to show that the US Bishops (quoting JPII) are the heretics.

  • http://realcatholicloveandsex.blogspot.com waywardson

    Kate and Kate are right. NFP is a process of unselfish living. Even when you don’t live it perfectly, it makes a difference. Even when you don’t do it for religious reasons.

    For women, the process of fertility awareness is about learning and respecting her body. (This is why I have a problem with those who think that not tracking is somehow “more faithful” than NFP. Even if you are “TTC-what-happens”, the health knowledge helps women.) For men, altering your sex life to her body is huge. It means your needs aren’t the only needs that are important. Even “imperfect NFP” is radically different than Pills, IUDs, and sterilization.

    When we started charting (charting again-long story) we couldn’t have cared less about what the Catholic Church thought. We even bought a box of condoms. (Which we later threw out, mostly unused.) But even this step grew us closer together in our marriage and deepened my faith.

  • http://www.healingandempowerment.blogspot,.com Phil Dzialo

    @Joseph,
    From the Archdiocese of Boston,
    “NFP is an umbrella term for certain methods used to achieve or avoid pregnancy. These methods are based on the observation and interpretation of the naturally occurring biological markers of the fertile and infertile phases of a woman’s menstrual cycle. NFP is distinct from calendar rhythm, is applicable to all women, and can be used at any stage of a woman’s reproductive life” METHOD TO AVOID CONCEPTION (like early withdrawal) is a form of contraception…avoiding conception…here’s the link
    http://www.bostoncatholic.org/NFP.aspx

    • http://www.ignitumtoday.com/2012/08/11/bless-me-father-for-i-have-sinned AC

      I can assure you that from using NFP for over 20 years, when I hoped to avoid conception {for hopefully just reasons before God}, that I was never sure that we would not conceive because nothing was done to each full/completed marital act; we just came together w/o any contracepting behavior or artificial BControl as Mother Church asks us to do; surely you can see the difference? maybe not until you try NFP for a serious reason can you understand how it is morally okay: we are asked to come together maritally and do nothing before, during or after the anticipated marriage act. Beautiful for us after a time of not using NFP / what a treasure of a teaching.

  • http://realcatholicloveandsex.blogspot.com waywardson

    Finally, the discernment process is different for every couple.

    Two different women named Kate have commented on this thread. Both have posted their pregnancy stories online.

    Kate #1 struggles with PCOS and infertility, which I just found out through twitter.

    http://iusenfp.com/home/getting-knocked-up-with-nfp/

    “Trying to conceive is a struggle, and I won’t pretend that I fully understand it. There are couples who have tried for much longer, with much bigger disappointments. But the monthly hope & disappointment take a toll on you. As a woman, I questioned my identity & my worth.”

    Kate #2 struggles with unplanned pregnancies, as you can read upthread. Here is her pregnancy story. (Full disclosure: I blog with Kate #2 and this was VERY unexpected, although technically possible.)

    http://realcatholicloveandsex.blogspot.com/2012/07/and-baby-makes-6.html

    “I am feeling anxiously blessed. “Anxious” because I wanted to wait a bit longer, but “blessed” because of an abundance of fertility that God takes full advantage of every conceivable time (pun intended).”

    And if two Kate’s aren’t enough, there is Katie Merando of iUseNFP, who is trying to get through medical school.

    So, Kate, Kate, and Katie’s and their respective husbands’ discernment processes will all be different. Kate #1 must actively seek pregnancy, while Kate #2 must carefully work to avoid pregnancy, and Katie has to worry about medical school.

    Which is why the Church doesn’t provide a “list of reasons”, but leaves it to the individual couple do discern–”out of responsible parenthood and not out of selfishness.”

  • http://www.acceptingabundance.com Stacy Trasancos

    We’re upgrading the format, sorry for the sudden changes. Keep talking!

  • Henry Bowers

    Kate, Wayward:

    Why do you highlight the first half of 2370, but not the second half?

    “In contrast, “every action which, whether in anticipation of the conjugal act, or in its accomplishment, or in the development of its natural consequences, proposes, whether as an end or as a means, to render procreation impossible” is intrinsically evil:158″ (CCC 2370)

    My point stands that in anticipating the conjugal act and all its consequences, abstinence for rendering procreation impossible is evil!

    Kate and Wayward have posted the most on this, and it is a sign that they are wrong, and that they are losing.

  • http://realcatholicloveandsex.blogspot.com waywardson

    @Henry Bowers:

    What action of NFP renders procreation impossible?

    1. Charting does not render procreation impossible. This is just information.

    2. Sex on an infertile day does not render procreation impossible–it is naturally impossible.

    3. Abstinence on a fertile day is not an action. It is inaction. It is not taking the action of having sex. There is no obligation to have sex on any particular day.

    The sum of three morally licit things is morally licit. Using NFP selfishly would be the sin of selfishness, it would not be contraception.

    • Henry Bowers

      Wayward,
      Thanks for your question, and I want to apologize for my rude comment against you and Kate.

      I agree with 1 & 2, but disagree with 3. Abstinence is an action like letting someone drown is an act of the will. Daoists similarly think they escape responsibility by relinquishing themselves to the wheel of Tao, but I would argue that they, too are mistaken, since per their ying-yang philosophy, their purported “inaction” has as deep a consequence as the action they boast of avoiding.

  • Joseph

    Henry,

    Tradition has it that the early apostles who were married separated from their wives for the sake of spreading the Good News. Were they in sin for abstaining from sex and not making baby after baby after baby?

    • Henry Bowers

      Joseph,
      This is an important point, and speaks to what I believe the Catechism asserts NFP is not and can never be: a will against life.

      NFP is (rightfully) a will against the evils that would come from expanding the family inopportunely. In decision-making we do not weigh one reason against another; when we have established a rational preference, then one act is reasonable and alternative acts are not less reasonable, but are on the contrary against all reason.

      Because no one can predict, however, what inestimable good could come from the coming-to-be of a new human life, no rational preference can be set against it; because of life’s irreducible goodness, any action to squelch it or prevent it is against all reason. Therefore, NFP can only be used to avoid evils the couple has a responsibility to mitigate; if such evils and responsibilities are already in place, the couple acts not against life by abstaining, but against the attaching evils. Their attitude toward the child, should one unexpectedly be conceived, DOES NOT NEED TO CHANGE, since they were never against the coming-to-be of it’s life; they simply withheld from willing a new life to come-to-be, since such was their obligation. In contraception, however, or if NFP is used out of sloth and a desire against the coming-to-be of new life, the couple’s attitude would need to change if the baby is to escape abortion or other abuse; the contraceptive mentality, including a contraceptive use of NFP, places the child who comes-to-be in a hated position.

      But to your question: declining sex because one has a headache, despite the couple’s not meeting some ‘quota of tries’ for the day/week, is not a sin, because (a) In such actions, pregnancy is not intentionally avoided by abstinence, and (b) the sexual faculty is not extrinsic to the person-couple as a means; it is the person-couple, and so the human spouse cannot be mechanized for the purpose of baby-making. The married apostles you mention would meet criteria (a).

      In this vein, providentialists are dead wrong. Priests don’t give dispensations for intrinsic evils. They give advice, in my view, of how to distinguish NFP against attaching evils, from NFP against life itself.

  • http://www.healingandempowerment.blogspot,.com Phil Dzialo

    @Joseph,
    Could you please cite a source for this tradition, specifically? If true…some writer or historian must have recorded it?

  • Joseph

    Phil,

    A) It is a tradition not Tradition, so yo udon’t have to believe it.

    B) It is a reasonable possiblity considering Peter’s conversation with Christ in Luke 18:28-29: “And Peter said, “Lo, we have left our homes and followed you.” And he said to them, “Truly, I say to you, there is no man who has left house or wife or brothers or parents or children, for the sake of the kingdom of God, who will not receive manifold more in this time, and in the age to come eternal life.” If scripture isn’t enough, well . . .

    C) It doesn’t matter whether you belive he “left” her or not. According to the Catholic Encyclopedia’s article on priestly celibacy: “It is not, of course, disputed that all times virginity was held in honour, and that in particular large numbers of the clergy practised it or separated from their wives if they were already married.”

    From the same Encyclopedia article: “At a Roman council held by Pope Siricius in 386 an edict was passed forbidding priests and deacons to have conjugal intercourse with their wives (Jaffe-Löwenfeld, Regesta, I, 41), and the pope took steps to have the decree enforced in Spain and in other parts of Christendom (Migne, P.L., LVI, 558 and 728).”

    The point is that it was a habit and a discipine to either A) separate from your wife upon becoming a priest, or B) refrain from conjugal activity. So the question still stands, if the Apostles who were married separated from their wives, or any of the Saints of the early Church, particularly any who followed the law laid down by Pope SAINT Siricius regarding continence, sinning by not having sex with their wives?

    To quote waywardson’s beautifull made point: 3. “Abstinence on a fertile day is not an action. It is inaction. It is not taking the action of having sex. There is no obligation to have sex on any particular day.”

  • Pingback: Fertility News Roundup! | Natural Family Planning

«
»