A Modest Proposal for Progressive Prevention of Unwanted Children while Making Them Beneficial to the Public good and Saving Mother Earth.
It is a sad state to those in America that must walk through our great cities and travel through our beautiful countryside, when they see the streets, the driveways and the grocery parking lots crowded with gas guzzling vehicular juggernauts, overflowing with the unfortunate female sex, followed by three, four, or six children, all in Costco bargain clothing, and importuning every citizen with their demanding existence. These mothers instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood in the fast-paced corporate world, are forced to employ all their time in sweatpants, toiling at home to clean and cook sustenance for their helpless infants who, as they grow up, either turn into evil Wall Street minions or for want of work rally courageously full-time in the forthgoing “Occupy Movement”.
I think it is agreed by all parties, that the prodigious number of children invading the bodies of women, eventually viewed in the arms, or on the backs, or at the heels of their mothers, and frequently of their fathers (if it is a heterosexual two parent home, reminiscent of the ancient patriarchal times), is in the present deplorable state of society, a very great additional grievance; and therefore whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy method of making these overgrown fetuses useful members of the free-thinking and tolerant United States, would deserve to be honored by the public with nothing less than a golden statue devoted to the preserver of the nation.
But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the offspring of the over-populating breeders: it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of womb-parasites at a certain point of viability, who are born or rather “unborn” of parents whose lifestyle priorities are incompatible with children, as well as those who demand to flaunt their fertility in the streets.
As for myself, having thought about this important subject and maturely weighing the biased concerns of the non-progressive riffraff, I have always found them grossly mistaken in their moral archaic ideology. It is true, a child dispelled from the feminine temple, is a viable human that needs care and nourishment, which the mother may sacrificially give, instead of indulging in her own whims. This is exactly why I propose to utilize these inconsiderate pregnancies for them in such a manner, as, instead of being a concern and expense, upon women, or the government, shall, on the contrary, contribute to the economy, and aid in saving Mother Earth.
There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will increase consideration for voluntary abortions, and end that horrid practice of bullying women against murdering their bastard children! (Too often, these poor underprivileged women sacrifice their bodies and lives to child-rearing instead of considering expense and the shame of illegitimacy. Many a tear is shed and pity given on their lost choice.)
The population on this planet is somewhere in the realm of 7 billion and in America, alone, about 350 million potential breeders. Approximately 105 million of the potential breeders are women of bearing age. (Less than half of this population would likely be able to maintain their own offspring and will be forced under the rule of the draconian 1%; making it more practical to care for a Prius than to own a child.) If I account for disease, reproductive failures, and those women who miscarry, there would still remain over 50 million America women with the ability to uncontrollably procreate! The question therefore is, how this number shall be controlled? Which, as I have already said, under the present patriarchal ideology, women are childbearing vessels and therefore worthless when with child. We can neither employ them in construction or agriculture or anything more meaningful than a teaching profession not based at the kitchen table. But alas, I’ve strayed from my purposeful topic! I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will find no objection.
It has come to my attention that bio-diesel is the new alternative fuel option in consideration to wean America off foreign oil dependency. I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration, that of the three thousand and five hundred aborted children per day in America, that this standard human waste should be processed to burn clean and operate vehicles and other mechanics. These children are seldom the fruits of marriage, therefore, one 12 week aborted fetus should provide a gallon of grease equivalent to a gallon of fuel, allowing drivers about the same amount of mileage from fat fuel as they do from regular petrol. The longer you wait to abort the more biofuel you surrender therefore making each abortive woman eligible for an environmental tax credit. If the breeders can receive special tax privileges for birthing children why should the woman who chooses to utilize her choice be punished?
My proposal is both humanitarian and fiscally conservative. Imagine, all the women able to be employed outside of the kitchen, able to afford designer shoes and handbags, able to see the world at a whim. Those same women are now forced to be hostage to their reproductive systems. By making abortions practical, we have cleaner more environmentally conscious lives. The more abortions a woman has the greater the tax credit, which allows her to keep more money at home. More abortions means the planet is less populated and the dolphins are safe. The hundreds of thousands of aborted fetuses may be sold and/or donated to third world nations to help stimulate their wealth until they can institute the same reforms. I again would advise the mother to carry the child as close to term as possible to increase its mass and fuel value.
I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.
For first, it would greatly lessen the number of religious types with whom the country is over-run, being the principal breeders of the nation, as well as our most dangerous enemies, and who stay at home on purpose with a design to impregnate the country with hate sermons about two parent homes and non-procreative sex.
Secondly, the poorer citizens will have something valuable of their own, and a means of contributing to society. Welfare checks from the government will become extinct when unwanted children no longer must be provided for. Abortion rebates will help pay for rent, food, clothing, and miscellaneous wants.
Thirdly, whereas the maintenance for providing for the food, shelter, clothing and education of a single child can cost $200,000 in the first 18 years of life, instead of expense, now revenue is circulated thus increasing GDP from our own growth and manufacture.
Fourthly, the accidental breeders, will no longer have to feel shame for the failure of birth control or random hedonist actions.
Fifthly, This will create more jobs in every sector. Medical professions, engineering, custodial, processing; so many jobs needed!
Many other advantages might be enumerated from this proposal, however, I am not so hellbent upon my own opinion, as to reject any offer, proposed by wiser citizens, which shall be found equally innocent, cheap, easy, and effective. I do profess with all sincerity from the bottom of my heart, that I have no personal interest in gaining from this proposal. My motives are only to service the public good in the free-thinking and tolerant nation that is my country. I want only to advance universal wealth, help relieve suffering for women, end global warming, and spread compassion throughout society. I have no opportunities myself to gain a single penny.
*This is an obvious parody of Jonathan Swift’s famous satire A Modest Proposal