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Contest inside

March 30, AD 2012 34 Comments

Announcement:  So many great additions!  Thanks to the readers for your contribution.  In agreement with other commentators, Dan Di Luzio’s comment had me laughing.  If Dan will contact me: jqtomanek-at-gmail-dot-com, I will send your signed “Style, Sex, & Substance” along. 

Also, for those interested, I write pretty often on different topics for a local paper and here is today’s contribution on the tree of death vs. tree of life.


But first you have to read a short Top Ten list. 


You know when you may have taken the “call to holiness” a bit overboard because:


10.  you not only kiss the ground when you land in a new country, but you also run out of the terminal and boldly claim that country Christ’s while thrusting a sword into the ground.

9.  you miss you plane to the honeymoon because you are trying to convert a Hare Krishna follower.

8.  though the Brown Scapular has so many wonderful promises to those that are faithful, you seek the nearest Catholic bookstore and demand that they carry every colored scapular made.  Of course you look like some kind of hump back because all those scapulars create a very unusual looking bump on your back.

7. you write Fr. Z and give him translation and liturgical advice from a 17th century missal you found on Ebay.

6.  you demand your children call you Holy Father because you have taken the domestic church too far.

5.  though you are a lay person and not a friar, you tonsure you hair and proclaim it is necessary for salvation.

4. you actually use the word “anathema” in daily comments with others at dissenting Catholic websites.

3. you call Apple and demand the steps to erase all apps on your iPhone because every app on your smart phone has to be a Catholic app.

2.  the only place on your car left to put a pro-life sticker is on the license plate.

1.  you insist the Church is in apostasy so you convince yourself and six others to make you Pope.  Did St. Peter called himself “Pope Peter I?”  If you are the first of your name, do you have to call yourself the “First?”  That makes me “Jared Tomanek I” I guess.



 Now for the contest.  Here are the ground rules.  The funniest comment that continues the satire list above will win a signed by .  I just looking for one extra, but list as many as you like.   The contest will go on until the end of Sunday.  Don’t let your sex determine if you participate; I am sure man or woman will enjoy the book; granted a guy may want to put the book under this one so that your tender side is still suppressed from public view.







[author] [author_image timthumb=’on’][/author_image] [author_info]Jared Tomanek lives in the country of Texas with his wife Denise, a Southern Belle from Trinidad and Tobago, and his three children. He holds two graduate degrees from Our Lady of the Lake University in San Antonio, an MBA and Master of Science in Organizational Leadership, and a Bachelor of Arts degree from Franciscan University of Steubenville. Having taught for five years in Catholic education, he now works in the construction industry in Victoria, TX. He is a parishioner of Holy Family of Joseph, Mary, and Jesus Parish in the Diocese of Victoria. @JaredThaddeus[/author_info] [/author]

Filed in: Books

About the Author:

J.Q. lives in the country of Texas with his wife Denise, a Southern Belle from Trinidad and Tobago, and his three children. He holds two graduate degrees from Our Lady of the Lake University in San Antonio, an MBA and Master of Science in Organizational Leadership, and a Bachelor of Arts degree from Franciscan University of Steubenville. Having taught for five years in Catholic education, he now works in the construction industry in Victoria, TX. He is a parishioner of Holy Family of Joseph, Mary, and Jesus Parish in the Diocese of Victoria.
  • Lauren J

    You dress your children exclusively in the color of the current liturgical season. When they complain, you ask them if they’d rather wear green overalls now, or fiery overalls for all eternity.

  • Lauren J

    When your younger children misbehave, you threaten to make them take a bath in Holy Water to purify their spirits. When your older children misbehave, you threaten to send them for a month with Aunt Scholastica… who lives in the Carmelite Cloister. (Or Uncle Benedict, who’s a hermit in Arizona.)

  • If the priest sneezes during the consecration, you consider the Liturgy invalid.

  • You think any couple with less that fifteen kids is probably on contraception.

  • All conversation is limited to the Liturgy of the Hours.
    Your 12 year old can use the word concuspience in a sentence correctly.
    You used the phrase “Consubstantial” before the changes were made in the liturgy.

  • You’ve written an app that prevents your computer or phone from going to any websites lacking the Imprimatur.

  • When inviting people to your house for a BBQ, you state that only those who have entered into the contract described in c. 1055 §1 (marriage) may bring a guest. Anyone bound to the obligation of c. 277 §1 (celibacy for clerics) may NOT under any circumstances bring a guest. Furthermore, those who have entered into the contract of c. 1062 §1 (engagement) are also prohibited from bringing a guest, since such a contract in the current Code possesses no juridic effects or obligations.

  • Howard

    Check the grammar on #2 & #8.

  • Dan Di Luzio

    You buy a biretta for home defense.

  • Lauren J

    You not only kneel yourself, but make everyone else in the room kneel too, if you happen to catch the consecration on EWTN as you channel surf.

  • Lauren J

    You asked a date who their favorite saint was before you asked them about their favorite sports team.

  • Ink and Quill

    You regularly wear full armour (with St. George’s Cross emblazoned upon it), taking to heart the title of Church Militant.

    You remind your children during Latin Low Mass that kneeling is good for them: after all, the devil is a creature with no knees.

    You have Sanctus bells in your car–just in case.

    You’ve heard they kept making music after Palestrina, but you’re not sure why.

    Whenever you see a rainbow flag, you cover it with a Vatican flag.

    You raised your children speaking ecclesiastical Latin.

    When discussing redemptive suffering, you wonder why women aren’t falling all over you–you’d boost their path to salvation!

    You think the history of philosophy ended with Thomas Aquinas.

    You think the history of architecture ended with Gothic and refuse to add “neo” to the front of the style, no matter how recently it was built.

    You think the history of art ended with Caravaggio.

    You think the antonym of “Thomistic” is “heretical.”

    After the “gay marriage” debacle, you’ve made up your mind– you’re moving to Hungary.

    You want to get a spiritual adviser but still haven’t found one who’s orthodox enough for you.

    Your son was disappointed when he discovered that turning his hand into a third-class relic won’t enable him to do the Force Choke.

    Saying the Rosary takes you an hour.

    You have a stash of pre-blessed Green Scapulars… just in case.

    When somebody responds to something you said with, “your face!” or, “yo’ momma!” you answer, “tu quoque!”

    If your roommate’s friend looks at your side of the room and asks if you’re religious, you ask, “What tipped you off? The wall of icons, or the Vatican flag?”

    You have chapel veils to match the liturgical season.

    (women:) You think every man is immediately much more attractive after donning a cassock.

    Every member of your family (including your pet goldfish) has a special devotion to the Blessed Mother.

    You receive the Eucharist only once a year, on Easter Sunday, after sacramental confession.

  • Amelia B.

    You scrubbed your child’s mouth out with soap for saying “Allel***” during Lent.

  • Kevin

    Your official signature includes a scrawl of the Vatican seal after your name.

    Your worked out your mid-life crisis with a road trip to visit 28 shrines in 28 days.

    Your car is a replica of the Popemobile.

    The top of your personal stationary carries the inscription “A motu proprio from the desk of …”

    You fill your water bottle with holy water from the baptismal font when the priest isn’t looking.

    When you board a plane, you hand the stewardess a set of Rosary beads and ask her to hang it from one of the overhead controls in the cockpit.

  • Yassir G

    You make the pastor of your church cover every statue and crucifix during Passion Time. Only crucifixes can be covered in white instead of purple during for Holy (or Maundy) Thursday.

  • Yassir G

    You make a pilgrimage to the Basilica of Our Lady of Guadalupe on the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe while crawling on your knees.

  • Yassir G

    Every time your daughter falls (be it from riding her bike, rollerblading, etc), you would say to her, Talitha kum.

  • Yassir G

    Learn Aramaic just make sure when you get to heaven, you would be able to clearly communicate with Jesus.

  • J.Q. Tomanek

    @Colin, love it. Say black, do red, it doesn’t say “sneeze.”

    @Ink and Quill, move to Hungrary, come on you know that really crossed your mind 😉

    @Kevin, I guess I will have to get rid of my Vatican seal 🙂

    @Yassir G, I did know a person in college that went off to the desert to learn Hebrew to chat it up with Jesus.

    @Amelia, we use cocoa powder for that!!!

    @Lauren, that is awesome, maybe I should record the consecration and play it over and over so that my children will remain silent all day!

    @Dan, a biretta works fine for self-defense 😉

    @Sherry, if a 12 year old knows how to say “concupiscence” he is destined to be the next Prefect of the Supreme Tribunal of the Apostolic Signatura.

    @Canonically Speaking, why did you bring up BBQ on a Friday during Lent? Talk about making me suffer all the more when a brisket food truck works a block away!

    @Howard, thanks, I will check it.

  • Ink and Quill

    Oh, it definitely did. Then the whole “still-in-university” thing sunk in.
    P.S. That’s not the only one on our list that’s related to a true happening.

  • David N

    Having just seen Fr Z’s latest post, perhaps we could add “you do the Sacrament of Penance completely in Latin”

  • Tom C

    After reviewing several conservative Catholic websites on Sunday before Mass, you decide that toothpaste does not break the one hour fast prior to Communion. As you prepare to receive Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament, you accidently swallow a piece of pork from dinner. You receive Jesus, feeling the utmost guilt and uncertainty in the possibility that you have just committed a mortal sin. You enter the confessional after Mass. You do not believe the priest when he assures you that you have not committed a mortal sin.

  • You demand 300 days of sackcloth and ashes as penance from your priest; and when he refuses, you cite the chapter and verse of a 7th century penitential.

    Instead of “rock and roll” you say “kephas and roll”, just to make a point.

    You buy food only from farmers with three acres and a cow.

    You feel compelled to hear Sunday Mass on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday of every week, because you know it would be Sunday in some other time zone.

    You hear Mass facing sideways from the altar, because your parish church faces north.

    You eat only pretzels during Lent.

    ==Christus vobiscum!==

  • You reverently click computer icons.

    You demand that the Holy See censure the movie “Search for Spock” because the line “Sometimes the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many” contradicts St. John 11:49-50.

    When you see a ‘plus’ sign while reading a math report you make the sign of the cross.

    You complain that the Vatican failed to censure the song “I’m Like A Bird” although its lyrics “I’m like a bird… I don’t know where my home is” contradicts St. Matthew 8:20.

    When your nursery-age child asks you about the letter ‘Q’, you explain at length why the Q theory fails to disprove the Aramaic origin of St. Matthew’s Gospel.

    You petition Cardinal Levada to censure Star Wars Episodes I to III because they violate the hermeneutics of community.

    When you quote “The Three Musketeers” you say “Many for one, one for many!”

    ==Christus vobiscum!==

    P.S., Dear Moderator: I vote for Dan Di Luzio’s “biretta” comment, because it involves the right to bear (heraldic) arms.

  • Hildebrand

    You and your wife pray before conjugating… Latin verbs.

  • Tapestry

    I vote for Dan DiLuzio’s comment it made me laugh outloud!

  • J.Q. Tomanek

    @Ink, and that is the beauty of comedy, it takes the ordinary and humorizes it.

    @David, funny you said that, I thought the same when I saw Fr. Z’s post.

    @Tom C, and yet it is still a common question in theology classes.

    @Neo Bonaventurean, “You hear Mass facing sideways from the altar, because your parish church faces north” maybe that is why everyone stares at me during Mass. 🙂

    @Hildebrand, my Latin teaching friend will love it. I prefer a different conjugating and prayer before is also important 😉

    @Tapestry, me too.

  • J.Q. Tomanek

    Here ye, here ye. Ok, I suspect you are here to hear what I thought was the best comment. I will update the post with the winning result.

  • Okay Hildebrand made me choke on my Ben and Jerry’s.

  • Matthew Milhon

    You believe, out of piety, everyone must like the movie “Therese”

  • Ink and Quill

    J.Q.: When, when?

    (Also, the beauty of my life is that it doesn’t take much humourizing to make the ordinary funny. I just have to point it out. For instance, I cornered one of my friends after a Vespers service: “I have a really funny chapel veil story for you.” True happening. And the story is great.)

    Additional (because this is way too much fun):
    You name all your stuffed animals (and sundry other inanimate objects) after saints.

    When cooking, the only salt you ever add is blessed salt.

    You are Facebook friends with all the seminarians from your diocese (and some from other dioceses as well).

    You think eight kids constitutes a “small family.”

    You shout, “HERETIC!” whenever you see Nancy Pelosi on TV (regardless of where you are).

    You regularly petition your bishop to bring back public excommunication…
    …using the scene from Becket for encouragement.

    You chant Dies Irae to cheer yourself up.

  • J.Q. Tomanek

    @Ink, know doubt. I think I posted that exact scene from Beckett on this site.

    Another one: your first dilemma each morning is wondering if you should take the chance and shower without your scapular.

    Every single Church problem is directly linked to Vatican II.

    Your children have eight names after the first two. Therese Mary Brigid Ann Monica Katherine Catherine Joan Perpetua Rita Tomanek.

    If you give a snide look and murmur at your neighbor if they want to hold your hand for the Our Father in Mass.

  • Ink and Quill

    J.Q.: The Becket one was Quill’s idea. He has better recall of that movie than I do, since my sister and I were too busy making bad jokes throughout.

  • Thank you ever so for you blog post.Much thanks again. Much obliged.