Today is day 183 of the romantic relationship with my beau. Six months, half an anniversary, the six-mensiversary, a nanoversary, halfaversary, something somewhat silly to celebrate. Or is it?
Rather than swoon to you about the awesome man in my life, I thought I’d take a crack at how we got here. How did I land a great, Catholic man who wants to grow in Christ with me? Where did I go right that God would present me with someone who truly wants to discern God’s plan? What help can I possibly be to others with only six months under my belt?
How we got here
Whenever people “give advice” to single people from their [haughty] chairs, it often inspires temptation of mild violence. I hope to avoid that.
I’ve known my beau for almost three years now, so our road has been a long one with a large percentage of a friendship-only identity. We met in a young adult club. I can hear the sound of facepalms everywhere:
Of course you met at church! I’ve already tried that! I exhausted my pool there, give me another direction!
Remember that the majority of our relationship has been strictly friendship; we surprised each other as we became better friends. “Hey! Where have you been?”
A little over a year ago, after a series of weekly dinners in a group of church friends, several non-church-related events, and many email exchanges, my beau and I became great friends. We became best friends.
Then, despite my best efforts to control my mind (like nailing warm butter to a wall), I looked up one day and realized I had a big crush on my best friend.
Believe me when I say the “trust in God,” “it happens when you least expect it,” “you have to be happy being alone before you can be happy with someone else” cliches bugged me to no end. So as not to cause another wave of facepalms I won’t explicitly say those cliches are mostly true… I’ll just hint at it.
Get to the practicalities before I click out of this post.
It may feel like being single is a long game of twiddling thumbs, but single folks are living as God calls them and building up a storage of lessons and challenges.
When the rich friendship between me and my beau sparked, I had just ended another romantic relationship. I was not in the mood, nor was I prepared for anything new, so I remained in a natural state of openness. There was a project that needed fixing and healing: me.
So, to the single folks out there: invest yourself in a big project. Sign up for Habitat for Humanity. Organize a spiritual book club. Start planning a trip, missionary or otherwise. Volunteer with a local youth group and go as a chaperone to FOCUS, Steubenville, NCYC and other conferences.
This project may start taking over your life, especially if it involves your passion for Christ and His people. The better to distract you from over-thinking, my pretties. Muhahaha!
Another project to invest in is creating a young adult club at your church, which leads me to the second practicality: surround yourself with good people of like faith.
One hang up with these clubs stands that they are often filled with those far beyond their twenties, yet single and ready to mingle. If this is the case at your parish, create a “younger adult club.” You may have to talk to some strangers, or ask your more outgoing friends to help you gather the troops, and start small.
Meet for lunch on a Saturday and just talk! Go to a festival, concert, or other event. Pretend you’re in elementary school and go bowling again. Invite people over to watch a movie and tell them to bring a friend each.
These posts that encourage single people to trust God is leading them to their vocation are beautiful and devout expressions of faith. I know I looked to them as I was discerning God’s call to enter into a romantic relationship with my beau, but the truth is: it’s much easier than these posts could ever communicate.
Commitophobia
A few weeks before we DTR’d (Defined the Relationship), I posted a reaction to something my friend said to me: “So you’re an actively dating commitophobe who desperately wants to find Mr. Right?” Commitophobia is a-okay, if it’s a result of discernment and a symptom of refusing to settle. Hot dog! That’s convenient because I have dated very little in my life.
There were no pangs of commitophobia with my beau; for the first time in my life it was easy. And he was my confidant! Jackpot!
There have been lessons and challenges on this side of the relationship veil, as there will be in the future, but I always felt confident about our direction. One step at a time.
This brings me to our initial question: is it silly to celebrate six months of a romantic relationship? The secular world would say yes, especially since we are chaste and live in separate homes. Six months is a hiccup of time in the grand scheme.
I look back at the practicalities, at my history of commitophobia, at my beau’s history, and at our deep comfort with each other, emphatically shaking my head. We won’t hold a parade, but it’s not silly.
We are growing in faith together through daily and weekly Mass, the Liturgy of the Hours, the Holy Rosary, and goofball laughing sessions. As we continue to move together as two people who Love each other, we keep that in mind.
Other people’s Love stories do not add to, nor do they take away from ours. Therefore the balance to strike is that of remaining chaste and learning together at God’s pace. If I have to hang out with my best friend who motivates me, encourages me, Loves me, and protects me, I guess that is my Cross to bear.
What can I say? You have to be happy being alone before you can be happy with someone else. Trust in God because it happens when you least expect it. Oh, shoot.
Here’s a new one: it’s easier than you think. So stop thinking; pray and live.
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10 thoughts on “Easier than you think”
> Pretend you’re in elementary school and go bowling again.
Hey now, I have relatives who’ve been in bowling leagues for 30+ years :p
I do think the young adults group is a good idea and an important thing. There was one in my area; it seems that it’s hard to keep going. By the time my classmates reached college age, most of them left and probably won’t come back. There are a fair number of 30-somethings around, but those in their 20s are pretty sparse. I’ve had faint desires to pull what few of us are left out of the woodwork and get something going; if only I had more time in a day.
One blessing I should share though is that my schola cantorum had a chance to offer our talents at a nearby small town parish over the weekend. The difference 10 miles can make is incredible as far as age composition goes and how seriously they took the Mass! There is a young adult singles group up that way (an area known for small towns with Catholic churches) that I’m pretty sure would be beneficial for me to check out.
I’ve never been in a relationship myself, so it’s hard to relate with those who have. But certainly, stay strong, receive the sacraments, take up a ministry, network. If you can stretch yourself a little bit farther, go for it (you may not be so flexible later on)! Don’t despair, and certainly don’t compromise yourself out of desperation!
“What can I say? You have to be happy being alone before you can be happy with someone else.”
and
“So stop thinking; pray and live.”
AMEN SISTER! Great post, E!
Great post! I’ve known a lot of people to meet through college/young adult groups. My problem is all the young adult groups I find everyone is already paired off or the groups are soo far from where I live I can’t fully participate. I’ve found that too I’m usually one of the youngest people in the group most people in the group are in their 30s and have a solid career/foundation. Where I’m in my early 20s still looking for a solid job, still living at home, not that solid of a life. And not very attractive maybe I shouldn’t be telling people that kind of information lol
Great post!
Thanks for sharing! I’ve been married for nearly 3 years ( I know, such a veteran, haha), but when Eric and I first started dating, it was a lot as you said. I had ended a long, very draining relationship, and just wanted to make friends, then I met my now husband and we were just friends for a few months. Then it became abundantly clear that there was more than friendship in store. But we did everything with an eye to keeping Christ as the center of our friendship, then relationship, and now marriage. It made all the difference. 🙂
Well said, and don’t be ashamed to count the milestones. My husband and I were married in January and we still “celebrate” our dating anniversary, engagement, and are looking forward to our wedding anniversary. I think it’s quite important to celebrate the little milestones and enjoy them as well.
I think you may underestimate the secular world—6 months is a significant amount. Touché on the separate households statement though. 6 months of growth is important in all aspects of life (in college you celebrate that each time you change your classification from 1st-4th years/freshman-senior), and especially important as you grow together in love.
Here’s hoping for a faith-filled friendship to blossom into a Christ-centered relationship!
Happy anni-/6 mesni-/whathaveyou-versary!
Hit the nail on the head! I wish more people would act on it and not just believe it!
Chase- Yes! That has been a chronic problem across the Catholic expanse with young adult groups. All it takes is a call to the parish office, a little courage, and a night with snacks and a little awkwardness. It will grow!!
Julie- Ugh, isn’t it gross how true those cliches are? 🙂
Beth Anne- I CHALLENGE YOU to start a “younger” adult club. You can call it “fresh out of school group” or what have you. All you have to do is meet people during the gesture of peace and ask them if they know any young adults that might be interested. Let the interconnected old-time-parishioners bring people to you! They will be inspired by your youth and desire to be around good people. Seriously, this is a fun project!
Sarah- That’s so great to hear!! Yes, natural and Christ-centered! Amen!
Amanda- Yay! That makes me happy. Okay, I won’t forget the milestones 🙂
Samantha- That’s a good point. I suppose I didn’t want to dwell on a full review of the secular world compared to the one we wish we lived in, so I was making a quick statement. But yes, that second part about not living together and being chaste was my point. I’ve had a distant family member say, “Well, I wouldn’t expect you to even think about marriage within the first year of dating.” When I said we had marriage in mind (not explicitly, we’re just not casually dating) from the beginning, this person was taken aback, surprised, and then flabbergasted when I mentioned we are chaste and will remain so.
Taylor- Thank you! Agreed!! I guess it’s one of life’s quirks that people just can’t comprehend until they realize it themselves. That’s why it’s so frustrating to read posts like these!!
I hope someday I can tell you, “Yea, your cliches that I hated sooooo much were true…” but we’ll see… as for now, I will just throw my chair at you – I think my arm is good enough that I can make it to Richmond.
Liesl: ditto