Ask me 10 years ago if I‘d be a missionary, living on God’s providence, going wherever He sends, and I’d think you’re out of your mind. So God knew better not to shock me with His plans. Instead He seduced me, and I allowed myself to be seduced.
10 years ago He first opened my heart to the thought and desire of not just living for one spouse, but for many (children of God I mean). At that time, priesthood seemed like the best option for that. So over 8 years of seminary formation, I grew in my love for Him and His Church, and was ready to give my life as a priest.
8 years later, He asked if He was more important than my priesthood. I said yes, and told Him if He wanted me to give up my priesthood, I would. 2 months later, God took my word for it and invited me to take a year break from my priestly journey to find myself and heal my old wounds. That seemed like a reasonable reason to leave, so I did, and experienced the greatest healing and freedom from finding my true self.
About a year later, God told me to choose how I wanted to live my life for Him. He wanted me to own my decision and not just ‘leave it to Him’. So over the 5 months in New Zealand, I made up my mind to freely choose a life of celibacy, and return to the diocesan priesthood, even if it means having to forgo some of my passions for creativity. But I also told Him if He had something better in mind, I’m willing to change my mind. Once again, He took my word for it.
Upon returning to Singapore after School, God started pointing me to more examples of people living radical missionary lives which threw up options I never thought possible. He also started opening up doors to serve on various overseas missions. And when these opportunities and alternative ways of life seem to allow me to practice creativity and vulnerability more freely, it started becoming a very attractive and freeing option. And when God finally asked what would make me happier, I found myself pointing to the life of a missionary, serving His people wherever He sends, whether in Singapore or elsewhere, something I never imagined myself considering 10 years ago.
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