In Defense of the Family: The Destruction of Divorce

Divorce is an unnatural occurrence.

At least, it should be.

Unfortunately, we don’t all view marriage through the lens of the Church. We don’t all see marriage as an unbreakable commitment, a Sacrament, or a holy union created by God.

Instead, in these modern times, many of us see it as a contract, an agreement, or a legal partnership — and divorce is viewed as a safety clause in case things just get too difficult.  Even Christians, when “defending” marriage, tend to push the issue aside and focus all their attention on same-sex marriage.

But it shouldn’t be like that. One of the things that drew me to the Roman Catholic Church was its focus on family as the centerpiece to society.  I love the importance, even the burden, the Church rests on the shoulders of a mother and father, and I especially love the theological defenses of the family.

So please, Catholics and Protestant Christians alike, and especially parents, understand this: divorce is the greatest threat to the structure of the family in our society. It destroys a bond that God himself crafted, but worst of all is the emotional, spiritual, and mental affect it has on your children.

I know this because four years ago I watched the family I’d known my entire life come crashing down around me.

Growing up, if anyone had asked me if I thought I’d ever find myself part of a broken family, I would have very confidently said “no,” and I would have believed it with every bit of my being.

Yet, at the age of 21, I sat on the couch with my sister, and heard words that should have never been spoken: “We’re getting a divorce.”

That broke something inside of me, something that can’t be repaired, something that keeps that moment fresh on my mind and makes me relive it every. single. day.

I was completely and utterly devastated.

The family that I knew was gone.

My family.

It’s still gone.

People say time heals all wounds, but not this one. This one remains open and fresh and it can’t be healed because it’s an unnatural wound.

In the time that has passed, I, myself, got married, started my own family and came into the Catholic Church. While the pain remains, through God’s grace, I have learned how to deal with it.

I’ve also had plenty of time to pray and think carefully about what I want to say to other parents when it comes to divorce.

As Christians, the fact that God blatantly says, “Do not get a divorce” should be enough: Therefore, what God has joined together, no human being must separate. Mt 19:6

However, many will find a way to tiptoe around that command and justify a divorce on whatever grounds. So to all those married with children: if your life isn’t in immediate physical danger — stay together.

Stay together for the sake of the kids.

Those children give you a reason to stay together.  Those children give you a reason to work it out. Don’t force them to watch their family crumble.  That is a pain in which no descriptive words can do justice.

God didn’t create us with the ability to love and make life so that our children could split their time between two homes. That’s not natural. It’s not right.

Marriage isn’t easy, it isn’t supposed to be. But when you stood on that altar, you made a promise, not just to your spouse, but to God. You made a promise to protect the bond that He created. You acknowledged and accepted God’s place in your marriage.

So, if your marriage gets to the point to where a divorce seems like the only option, then perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate where God is in your relationship.

Pope John Paul II once said, “Spouses are therefore the permanent reminder to the Church of what happened on the Cross; they are for one another and for the children witnesses to the salvation in which the sacrament makes them sharers.”

Your marriage is more than just an expression of love and commitment to your children. It is a witness to the saving grace of Christ. Together, you and your spouse bring the reality of God’s love and salvation into your family.

When my parents divorced, I immediately began to doubt everything I’d ever believed about love, the family, and even God.  A divorce doesn’t just affect your children emotionally; it can shake the very foundation of their spirituality. That thought should be devastating to any parent.

And when I say “stay together,” that doesn’t mean faking it, letting your marriage die, or allowing your house to become a war zone, because that can be just as damaging.

You and your spouse once loved each other.  Your children were created out of that love.

Let that be your motivation, and in the process, you will show your friends, your family, and especially your children, what it means to keep a promise.

Matthew Tyson

Matthew Tyson

Matthew is a Catholic convert, blogger, and freelance writer living in Alabama with his wife and baby son. After joining the Church in March of 2013, he started the Mackerel Snapper blog as an effort to reach out to other possible converts and help educate non-Catholics about the faith. Outside of writing, Matthew is an avid reader, hockey fan, and devout Whovian. You can follow Matthew on Twitter at @MackSnapMatt, or email him at matthewallentyson@gmail.com

Leave a Replay

18 thoughts on “In Defense of the Family: The Destruction of Divorce”

  1. Pingback: REPOSTED: “In Defence of the Family” by Ingnitum today | On God's Payroll

  2. So
    to all those married with children: if your life isn’t in immediate
    physical danger — stay together. – See more at:
    https://ignitumtoday.com/2014/04/24/defense-family-destruction-divorce/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+ignitumtoday%2FsKWO+%28IgnitumToday%29#sthash.1slHl136.dpuf

    if your life isn’t in immediate physical danger — stay together. – See
    more at:
    https://ignitumtoday.com/2014/04/24/defense-family-destruction-divorce/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+ignitumtoday%2FsKWO+%28IgnitumToday%29#sthash.1slHl136.dpuf
    So
    to all those married with children: if your life isn’t in immediate
    physical danger — stay together. – See more at:
    https://ignitumtoday.com/2014/04/24/defense-family-destruction-divorce/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+ignitumtoday%2FsKWO+%28IgnitumToday%29#sthash.1slHl136.dpuf“if your life isn’t in immediate physical danger”
    Excellent article and, for the most part, spot on.

    Just one thing, “if your life isn’t in immediate physical danger” allows abuse to go too far. If the spouse and/children are being abused, then they must remove themselves from the abuser. While divorce is a form of abuse, ongoing abuse, even if it doesn’t rise to the level of endangering lives, is deadly. Living w/ the fear that the abuse will attack, having one’s spirit and mind beaten down, living w/ a sadist is worse than divorce. Much worse. Watching one’s parent abused is also as deadly. If an abuser is genuinely willing to heal, separation could be fairly brief. But protecting children from harm must come first. When a parent harms the child or the other parent, that other parent must protect the children first. Drusilla (http://lovedasif.com/)

    1. This is true. Too many men in the church make lite of Emotional and Verbal Abuse. We cannot allow children to witness abuse, even if it hasn’t reached the level of physical or death threats.

  3. ps: I don’t know how all those copies of the article were pasted in. that is a mistake. I wanted to quote 1 line.

  4. Many years ago after listening to the gospel passage re: divorce, the priest explained how in the time of Jesus it was common for men to divorce their wives
    – by saying 3 times ‘I divorce thee’ – for the purpose of getting a younger
    and/or more desirable woman. He went on to explain that in his long career the damage he saw occur from ‘dead marriages’ was far worse than the effects of divorce. What God has joined together is known by God and results in life long marriage. What the church joins together is not necessarily the same. The
    hot-off-the-press release by Francis of a major revisit of allowing the latter to recieve communion is a healing act that will affect millions. We coexist as sinners and stains on ones soul are no less or more dirty than others who seek salvation. As the saying goes: ” Be kind, those we meet are fighting harder battles.”

    1. Marriage is under assault from all directions. May the Church stand firm on the TRUTH of what it is: one man, one woman, for life.
      It is not kindness to confirm someone in their sin.

    2. James, I don’t agree with what your priest said. When I was growing up my parents had terrible marital problems due to great challenges in their life. They dealt with serious financial difficulties and serious illnesses. They suffered one problem after another and it put much stress on their marriage and on our family. They would argue a lot sometimes and us kids would say occasionally that maybe they should get a divorce so they could be happy, this was back in the seventies and eighties, we were very naive back then. I am so grateful to my parents for not taking the divorce route. They stuck together and stayed true to their vows before God and as time goes on I am only more and more grateful to them for doing so. I am so thankful that on top of all the other problems we were suffering at the time we were saved from the final blow of divorce. Marriage is hard work sometimes and we need to do everything we can to be good witnesses and stay married drawing from the grace of the sacrament in those difficult times.
      It’s been many years now since the divorce culture got under way and we all know people close to us who bear the wounds of divorce. No fault divorce has made it easy to walk away from a spouse, a family. Easy divorce breeds more and more divorce. More walking wounded. Young people are afraid of marriage.
      I hope that the result of the synod will be to confirm the indissolubility of marriage.
      Thank you Matthew for your article. I will pray for you and your family today. God Bless.

      1. I’m happy for your family however, their marriage was obviously not dead and I think that is what the priest meant.

      2. It is a tragedy when our priests give us the secular answer (divorce), instead of encouragement when our marriages hit challenges. I know exactly what the priest meant by a “dead” marriage. I believe he meant a marriage where people start thinking about their own happiness instead of the sacrament and the promise they made before God. Love is action, it takes work and commitment to keep a marriage alive and an even greater effort to bring back to life a “dead” marriage.
        Great marriage article at Crisis magazine today,
        http://www.crisismagazine.com/2014/a-rival-good-to-gods-cardinal-kaspers-divorce-proposal

        l

      3. He did not give a secular answer – he did relay objective
        reality however even if you can’t get your head around it.

      4. “What God joins together is known to God and results in life long marriage. What the Church joins together is not necessarily the same”

        That’s tiptoeing on heresy, James. God does his work through the Church. If a marriage is found invalid, it isn’t the fault of the Church, but the fault of those who came to it dishonestly. Divorce should never be an option. It’s never better, because all it does is open the door to sin. A dead marriage is horrible, but that’s why I stress keeping Christ at the center. A divorce is sin. Always. A priest shouldn’t endorse that, or claim it to be a better option.

        And no one said anything about not being kind to those struggling. This is a first hand account on the devastation divorce can bring to the family.

      5. For the sake of brevity I will say one last time this priest
        did not endorse divorce – he stated an objective reality
        now please, get a life.

      6. “He went on to explain that in his long career the damage he saw occur from ‘dead marriages’ was far worse than the effects of divorce”

        That is a comparison that makes divorce sound like the better option. What did he say next? Did he offer any other advice? Guidance? Teachings? Did he make sure to mention that both options were damaging and should be avoided? Did he mention a Christ centered marriage? Because then you break off with the near-heresy I quoted earlier. The entire tone of your comment comes off as “divorce isn’t so bad.”

        I don’t see the objective reality. Seems much more subjective to me.

        And don’t comment and then get huffy when people challenge it. Provide clarification. Contribute to conversation.

      7. This sermon was given appr 23 years ago. Other than the
        phrase ‘dead marriage’ the gist was paraphrased and
        probably should have read ‘ some divorces ‘ esp for those
        like yourself who are hyper sensitive to the subject. So
        lets take an extreme but not that uncommon example. A woman is in a very abusive relationship. She consults her priest who says that despite all she has done (ie seek counseling, pray harder ect.) it is better to stay and be true to her vows. A month later the husband kills the wife in a drunken rage. Dead marriage = dead wife. Now, may I be
        excused, Matt ?

      8. I think there’s a difference between dead marriage and abuse. The Catechism even allows for civil separation in terms of abuse, albeit they’re still bound by the Sacrament an can’t remarry until they get an annulment. I believe I made mention of that in my blog as well. (“Unless your life is in immediate physical danger…”).

      9. Dead marriages always are psychologically and emotionally abusive. To the degree that a person can withstand the
        devastating effects lies the perogative to stop the pain. We are not all called ot be martyrs. Good luck and God bless you and yours

  5. Wow! Well, this is something we can agree on! I just finished editing a book, Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak, which is full of testimonies just like yours. The effects of divorce are devastating, even decades later. Thank you!

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Sign up for our Newsletter

Click edit button to change this text. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit