“To a great extent the level of any civilization is the level of its womanhood. When a man loves a woman, he has to become worthy of her. The higher her virtue, the more noble her character, the more devoted she is to truth, justice, and goodness, the more a man has to aspire to be worthy of her. The history of civilization could actually be written in terms of the level of its women.” – Venerable Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen
Recently a female friend of mine and I were talking about dating (big surprise, I know). We were talking about one gentleman in particular and how impressed we were with him for calling my friend out to ask her on a date. We were impressed because he didn’t send an e-mail, a tweet, a text, or a Facebook message. He took the time, effort, and courage to call and ask her on a date.
At the time it sounded lovely and we enjoyed praising him for his courage. Later on as I begin to think about it more, it struck me as sad that this was actually praiseworthy behavior. When did it become commonplace for a gentleman to ask a lady out via a text message? Oh wait, it isn’t commonplace. A true gentleman will ask a true lady out in person or over the phone, or in a way that she feels comfortable with (for some ladies this may mean an e-mail or some other form of communication). He won’t need smoke screens or channels to hide behind. This will be the case because the lady carries herself in such a way that inspires the man to act accordingly.
Not long after I graduated college I remember lamenting to my friends when guys would ask for my number, promise me a phone call, and then three days later would send me a text saying, “Hey, how are you?” I’ll admit that I responded to the text message, even if I did so begrudgingly. Looking back, that certainly wasn’t the wisest choice I could have made. To begin with, if this lad really did fancy me, why did it take him three days (or more) to act on it? Once he finally did act on it, why did he think that a text was an appropriate form of communication, especially after he promised a phone call? Because something in our culture (and in my brain at the time) said that texts days later would be okay and I’d respond anyway. There was nothing in me, or in my text message response to him (probably something along the lines of, “GREAT!! How are you?!?!”…but that’s another blog), that warranted or invited a more courageous invitation from him. Furthermore, my responding to his three-day-later text message as quickly as I probably did, did nothing to show him that I expected or hoped for anything more. I failed to raise my standards, and consequently he did as well. Needless to say the relationship wasn’t the stuff that fairy tales and romance novels are made of, nor did I marry that particular lad.
What I have learned since three-days-later-text-messaging-dude is that Archbishop Sheen had it right: when we raise our standards the true gentlemen rise to the occasion and the others fall to the wayside, simple as that. If we give in to the text messages, Facebook messages and Twitter dates, we shouldn’t be surprised when the relationship (and the communication within said relationship) progresses along the same dismal lines. On the other hand, when we are confident, some may even say fierce, we naturally invite gentlemen to rise to the occasion and become worthy of us. Am I saying that women are all perfect and men should bow down at our feet? No way. Rather, I’m saying that when we raise our standards, when we don’t give in to three-days-later texts, we invite men to deeper, more meaningful relationships. We invite them to pursue us, but we also invite them raise their own standards, thereby raising the standards of society as we know it.
It starts with us.
10 thoughts on “Raise Your Standards”
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I think the downward spiral of Christian standards is reflected in the seemingly trivial, such as text messaging etiquette. As a 52 year-old single guy, I could list a dozen or so things from a man’s point of view. It begs the question: What effect does digital media have on sexual ethics? Like you said, I think it’s the responsibility of both men and women to set high standards. We need to keep things in perspective and remember that in heaven nobody will be given in marriage.
In this day and age, women might need to start asking men out.
Sorry but you wanted equality and now you have it.
Amanda, I think you are beyond picky. I hope you don’t end up passing up a great guy based on superficial and confusing criteria. How is calling on the phone (using technology to communicate) different in substance than texting? How is a guy supposed to know you would have preferred a phone call? I am probably a lot older than you and I wouldn’t have known that some people prefer phone calls to emails or texts for dating. For young people especially this is how they communicate. As for waiting three days I don’t see anything major with that either – hasn’t that been pretty standard since dating began? My husband is the holiest guy I have ever known, not to mention great father, highly educated, hard-worker, humble, etc. etc. Literally he is a saint and I know I am very fortunate. I asked him if he saw anything wrong with what the young gentleman your described did and he said not at all and if he were dating today he would have done the same thing (which wouldn’t have bothered me in the least). i think you should start focusing on more important things like men’s character and not arbitrary rules of etiquette that you have in your mind, but that most people don’t. Or if the rules you have for dating are that important to you, the next time you give out your phone number you owe it to the guy to tell him your rules. Of course, he will probably never contact you if you do that but at least you are being fair to him.
It’s cowardly and impersonal. She isn’t picky. She has standards.
I agree with you. Men (as a group) will fall to the lowest moral standards women allow. A case in point is the wild west. It was notorious for saloons and ‘Houses of ill repute’. It wasn’t until women came west that churches and schools opened and saloons and ‘Houses of ill repute’ closed down. Sad to say, men are kind of weak that way. A society does definitely follow the standard women demand. I’ve heard men joke, ‘why pay for something that you can get for free’. Otherwise, why marry a woman when you can get all the benefits of marriage without any of the responsibility.
When my sister was young and poorly catechized, the local hotty playboy in town got her pregnant, just as he had two other girls in town. Big mistake, he ‘paid for it’ with marriage and a life with my sister (they are very happily married 30 years later). She didn’t need my father to bring the shotgun to the wedding, she carried it herself. Yes, she showed poor judgement and made a big mistake to begin with, but she came through in the end.
Anyway, even this poor example looks so much better than today because women let men get away with it. As men have their problems as a group, women too show poor judgement in allowing modern man to step all over them. When I was a boy, men had to make enough to support the whole family while the wife stayed home and cared for the kids and she had time to even get involved in recreation with other women during the day. Today, women work all day and still come home to care for the kids and their ‘boyfriends’ who won’t even marry them (and many times don’t even hold a job). Young men today know they have it made. Women rights turned out to be a benefit only to men. Yes, I know it has been a benefit for the more affluent women, but, as a whole, for the average middle income and poor women, it has been a disaster.
As an aside, I don’t know that I would blow off a guy that sends you a text because that may be the standard he thinks you expect. If I were you, I would have responded openly and said ‘I don’t really like communicating this way, can you give me a call?’. Obviously, the only way to really get to know a guy is to see how he treats his mother and sisters (or younger brothers).
Very well said! While I do see that the introduction of texting and social media have greatly changed the nature of teen interaction and dating, I think that the texting especially removes a certain personal nature to the interaction. I’m not even going to address what the ability to take and send pictures on cell phones has degenerated to when mixed with teenage hormones, but I digress! Talking on the phone at least makes the conversation a little more personal because you can actually hear when they are laughing out loud, but I think texting and social media in general present a very tempting opportunity to present oneself dishonestly and deceptively. It can almost be more exciting to interact via text message or Facebook than in person. I think this adds a complicated layer to the dating world and especially to teen interaction as a whole. Obviously, it’s not going to change, so I think it best to accept that technology has changed the way we communicate but we aware of the hidden dangers. The perception of anonymity embolden people’s attitudes and oftentimes coarsens their interactions.
Thanks for this post Amanda. I would definitely prefer having a man ask me out via phone or in person rather than a text/FB. It takes courage to ask someone out and a lot more courage to ask in person or on the phone. In regards to your texting story, if a man wants to ask a lady out, he should just do it. Don’t beat around the bush by sending texts that just say ‘hey, what’s up’. There is so much to be said for today’s youth growing up in the digital era…
Well said.. I agree.