What Can a Wife Do?

Everybody knows that men don’t understand women, but I think it’s easy for us women to play some sort of nuanced superiority card and pretend that our natural feminine intuition is enough to understand men completely. Or at least sufficiently. We like the idea that we’re naturally good listeners, but it’s a fact that we’re also naturally good talkers; we like the idea that we can sense others’ emotions, but our intuition isn’t always thorough or right on target. We love your emotional stability, but if we aren’t careful, our emotional-hormonal chaos (okay, depth and richness) drowns out your emotions. We love when you take care of us, and while we can smother anything that moves with motherliness (even if we aren’t mothers), we don’t always know how to take care of you. Especially when you don’t want to be taken care of.

Last week on IT, J.Q. Tomanek asked what husbands can do for their wives during difficult times. I think we were all grateful that he asked. But I’d like to have the complementary question answered as well: husbands, what can we do for you?

Mary C. Tillotson

Mary C. Tillotson

Mary C. Tillotson is reporter for Watchdog.org, covering education reform issues across the country. She is co-founder and blogger at The Mirror Magazine and founder of Vocation Story. She tries to blog at The Earth and the Ether. A Michigan native, she lives in Virginia with her husband, Luke.

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6 thoughts on “What Can a Wife Do?”

  1. Never underestimate the power of a wife when they tell their husband, “Good job.” We men are generally like little puppy dogs who thrive when praised for something very simple.

  2. Respect him. Treat him as an adult you respect – not like a child or a “little puppy.” Acknowledge the house & kids are just as much his as yours. Refuse to disregard his ideas just because he’s a man – far too many women do this.

  3. I think that most problems that arise between the sexes in a relationship come from a misunderstanding about the way that God designed our bodies, our brains, and what our needs and deepest fears are. These differences, when understood, lend to the wonderful complementarity that God intended between men and women, husband and wife. On the other hand, when a man or woman tries to impose their own gender traits on the opposite sex, like when women try to feminize men or when men do not acknowledge the emotional state of the women in their life, problems of communication and misunderstanding arise.

    Since you asked about men, let’s take a look at it. The male brain is wired differently than a woman’s. I think we all know that. The corpus-collosum, the connective bridge between the two hemispheres of the brain, is smaller in the male brain than in the woman’s. This leads to less communication between the two hemispheres. What this also means is that men are able to narrowly focus on one or two things at a time. Ever notice that when your husband is concentrating on something, he might not even hear what you are saying? It’s not because he’s ignoring you, it’s because that is the way his brain is wired. He literally cannot hear you. Men are not “web thinkers.” We do not have forty two different things going on at once. We are the narrow beam to the wide lens of the female brain.

    Men also think in terms of hierarchies. Who is in charge? Let’s set up a system. When little boys play, there is always a leader. We see a problem and we want to fix it. How often have you gone to your boyfriend or husband with your problems and he immediately wanted to fix it? Maybe you were more looking for emotional support, but we are wired to fix things. We men need to understand that you don’t always want the problem fixed, but some acknowledgement and support.

    The male body is flooded with much more testosterone than that of women. It’s just the nature of the beast. My three boys wrestle and fight all day long. They love it when I lay on the floor and they dogpile me. My daughter and wife cannot understand it. I urge you not to try to either. The testosterone in our bodies makes us more naturally aggressive. It also is the source of our strength, our passion, our sexuality, our ambition, and the desire to provide for and protect our families. Sure, masculinity gets distorted into some terrible things, but men are designed to risk their lives and their bodies in order to support their families. Obviously the male body has more upper body strength. A physically fit man is going to be stronger than a physically fit woman, on average. This leads to men taking more physically demanding jobs, working long hours in factories, in mines, doing hard manual labor. We offer our strength to our wives and children. We give ourselves physically in order to ensure that our families are safe and provided for.

    The male body is designed for strength and endurance through more muscle and high levels of testosterone. Also, the male genitalia is external. The man becomes one with his wife, entering into her, becoming one flesh. He gives her the seed and she responds by actively receiving his gift of self and conceiving new life. The morphology of the male body, especially his external genitalia, lends to a sense of active initiation. We men explore, we build, we structure, and we initiate our relationships by inviting our spouses into an adventure. We give our bodies to our wives through the marital embrace and bring new life into the world. We actively initiate by bringing our passion and drive, fueled by testosterone, into all we do. This is God’s design. This is how He did it and proclaimed it “very good.”

    So after all that, what are a man’s needs? I think it is first appropriate to mention a man’s greatest fear: failure. Failure to provide for his family, failure to get a job that support him. We are afraid of being found out, discovered to be a total fraud, that we don’t have what it takes to be a man. We are afraid of being discovered to not be a man at all.

    A husband needs a willing sexual partner that gives herself to him in recognition of his own gift of self through his job, his support, and what he does at home. (Hopefully doing housework. I always tell other men that if they want to get their wife “in the mood” they should go clean the kitchen and the bathroom, and anything else that might need it.) Men need affirmation. A woman that support her wife and tells him that she trusts him and that she trusts that he is listening to the Father and leading the family in righteousness.

    The plot in Rocky II demonstrates this perfectly. Apollo Creed wanted a rematch with Rocky. Rocky had promised his new bride that he wouldn’t fight anymore because she didn’t want him to. He started training anyway, but his heart wasn’t in it. He knew his wife didn’t approve. Adrienne ended up in a coma after the birth of their son. Remember that scene when she first woke up? She said, “there is one thing I want you to do….win. Win!” Rocky regained that fire and went on to win the heavyweight championship.

    The support of a wife is very important. You job is not to change your husband into the version that you want. Yes, women bring a sense of “civility” to men that is needed, but you cannot make it your goal to feminize your husband. Let him be a man. One thing that will drive you husband away from you faster than my kids to chocolate is to nag him. I will say this again: DO NOT NAG YOUR HUSBAND. He will withdraw from you, I promise. Nagging is one of the leading causes of marital problems. If you have an issue with him, do not accuse, do not insult, do not question his masculinity.

    The last thing to realize is that men de-stress differently than women. When we come home from work or whatever, we may not immediately switch into “home” mode. Sometimes we need to chill out for a little while by sitting there and doing nothing. Yep. Men’s cortisol levels go down when they are sitting there mindlessly flipping through the channels or hanging out in the “man cave.” Women tend to de-stress by talking with other women. That can actually stress a dude out even more. Let him get settled first.

    Ladies, you may not understand all of these things. Trust me, there are plenty of things about women that we men have no clue about. It doesn’t matter if we actually understand the masculine or feminine characteristics of our spouses, just that we accommodate for them and affirm and support each other according to our needs. There are things men need to do in order to accommodate the needs of their spouses, such as allowing her to vocalize her needs and emotions, constantly affirming her and his love for her through words actions, and touch. There are things women can do to accommodate the needs of her husband such as supporting him as the spiritual leader of the family, affirming him in his masculinity, being available sexually (within reason, of course), not nagging him, not being passive aggressive, and giving him his space when he needs to zone out.

    I hope this helps.

  4. I think Chris has given some really good observations.

    With the assumption that both husband and wife are willing each other’s happiness and each are stretching themselves to serve one another, I can give a few things that this man (and maybe other men) would consider important. I should note, I am not listing things that are not necessarily unfilled in my own life.

    1. Emotional support. Wimpy? No. What I am meaning is, men like certain things and when you find what your man likes, emotionally support his likes. You may think it is ridiculous that watching a game with the buds (a game, not an all day free for all) destresses his mind, but encourage him to do so, not just allow, but encourage. Some guys don’t care for watching sports, I am one of them, I like to read. For example, if I bring home a new book on some odd topic like late scholastic monetary theory, then take a little interest in it rather than criticize my preference.
    2. Food. Whether he cooks or she, men need food.
    3. Compliment the small stuff. If you husband prepares the coffee each night, let him know you are grateful for his small deeds.
    4. Flirt with him. Seductively, consistently, daily.
    5. Be intimate. Most husbands I know want to know what is bothering their spouse. If you cannot describe your emotions, use similes to help each other understand.
    6. Prepare for his weaknesses. I think this is very important. Each man has different weaknesses. It is unlikely he will ask for help which is exactly what he needs. If he struggles with chastity, encourage him to soldier on. If he falls into temptation, help him up. Stay away from, “All you think about is (sex)(hunting)(fishing)(golf).”
    7. Husbands love their wives. Trust him, both in and out of the bedroom. If he communicates he would like marital intercourse or do certain actions affiliated with it, please know that even if you choose not to go along, it has taken some courage to open up and let his wants known. Intimacy is by definition very personal which means it is risky and rejection can hurt. I understand a wife may not be comfortable with some sexual actions and she has every right to say “no”, just be careful with how you respond.

    If you decide to indulge your husband, remember attitude is like 99.5% of the victory and this goes for any of the above.

    Does this help?

      1. Rachel, not necessarily. There is much open to husband and wife in their lovemaking as long as the husband climaxes inside his wife. Prudence and respect for each spouses personhood may require thought and prayer about a certain position or “action”, but it must be remembered that God created sex and wants us to fully enjoy it! The Theology of the Body dictates that we are to first and foremost have a deep and abiding respect for persons and JQ Tomanek seems to understand that when he asks wives to respond carefully to their husbands. Its a two way street and both need to have firmly established trust in each other to discuss this intimate topic.

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