Don’t we all love to experience something before someone else so that we can tell them just how much their life will change when they also experience the same event?
“Just wait until you get married, then you’ll see how selfish you can be.”
“Oh, you think you’re pressed for time now, just wait til you have a child! You won’t have a spare minute then.”
And once someone has a child, if you have two, you can always one up them and helpfully inform them that they know nothing until they have more than one child…or, until they are outnumbered at Mass. I suppose that only the Duggars–who just announced their twentieth baby–are immune from such well-meaning suggestions
So, is it true? Does life end (or only “truly” begin) when you get married/have a child/have another child/insert-life-changing-experience-here? In a word, no. And in fact, the exact opposite can happen. It did with me.
When I was a single Catholic guy, I had tons of time. So much that I didn’t use it very well. I had so much time I was often bored, and I didn’t embark on any large projects (other than my journey to sainthood). Why not? Well, I was waiting. Waiting to begin my vocation, which I believed was marriage.
Sure enough, when I got married (to a wonderful young woman named Katie), my life did change, and I did have less time “for myself.” But I started using that time more effectively. And then we had children. And my free time was cut down by two-thirds. Now I was really squashed.
But what I noticed was that I got even more done. More than ever before. I wrote a book. I developed an apologetics class and taught it at my parish. I used every free hour (well, almost every one) to work on projects, to do something productive. I built a chicken coop and took up beekeeping, all while spending most of my time with my wife and children.
It’s that paradox of not realizing what you have until you begin to lose it. Now, I prize every minute I get and desire to use it working to provide for my family, to help others discover the Catholic Church, and to keep connected with family and friends.
Having a wife and family provided me much need motivation to get up and do something. Not only do I want to give them a good life, but my wife also encourages me to work on constructive projects, whether around the home, on the computer, or in our parish and community. I love to make her proud. For those single people who are doing great stuff even without this motivation, I bow to you. You are better than I was.
So the next time someone gives you well-intentioned advice about your upcoming life change, smile and nod appreciatively, and inside get excited about embracing the gift you are about to receive, as well as the opportunity it provides to grow in virtue. You may just find that, after the event, you have more time than you ever realized.
How about you? Have you discovered an unexpected (but positive) change in yourself after a big life-changing event?
7 thoughts on “Just Wait Til You Have Children…”
My husband and I had this conversation recently. Everybody told us how exhausted and miserable we’d be when our baby came in august, and how our marriage would never be as happy as it was in the last weeks of my pregnancy. We’d never have time to do what we want anymore, etc.
Well, our marriage is by no means perfect, but our baby has had SUCH a positive impact on the way my husband and I relate to each other. Why? Because we don’t have time for the immature nya-nyaing that used to cause the most of our arguments. With a high-needs 12wk old in the house, our opportunities to discuss hot-button topics like in-law politics or finances fall during 20 minute naps and car rides home for church. Which means we had to quit horsing around and get to business efficiently, without letting our pride or emotions get in the way.
Yeah, we’re exhausted. But we’ve never been happier.
Um, thank you, thank you, thank you for this post. As one who was single until almost 30, I hated these lines, and in many ways still do. I had a life then, and I have a life now as we wait for children. That life has real challenges (yes, sometimes including a struggle to use time wisely or to know what direction to take), and sometimes I yearn for the… I don’t know.. gift? structure? motivation? that comes with receiving the blessing of children. But yeah, those lines get to me because it’s like saying *only* marriage or “x number of children” could truly “count” as having a full life.
One of the most pleasant surprises I experienced was when I had my first child and realized that love for him flowed very naturally. My parents seemed to hate parenthood and acted like it was all pulling-teeth. I learned that I could encourage and appreciate and love my children and doing so wasnt THAT hard. I also enjoyed the teen years…my kids were great. I unfortunately learned that having adult children was harder than I expected.
I have posted here before that I care for women who suffer the deaths of their babies…based on stories told at our support group…I would SERIOUSLY caution anyone from saying “Oh you just WAIT until have children ! then _____” They may very well HAVE children (who are deceased)…yea, AWKWARD (on a number levels and it gets worse the longer you think of it).
I was helping out in a parish last year, and I was confronted with the pre-teen mantra “I’M BORED.” It occured to me, being around kids who waste the word on everything, that I forgot what boredom was.
Pretty much, since I joined religious life, I have not been bored. I am always discovering and learning God, prayer, spirituality, and theology. I am always growing in relationship with the Saints before, our elders, our brothers throughout the world. I have a number of reasonable expectations, aside from work, they include an annual retreat.
I find excitement on all the new opportunities, while feeling a solid joy inheriting the traditions.
There are times, where I feel so busy I am going to go nuts. There are times I might loose sleep. I am so convinced that what I am doing is meaningful for me I can describe it as something so flawless and perfect. It feels like it sometimes. But, I suppose, the only awful thing I do not deal with is boredom.
This was so true when I was in grad school and only had to show up to class twice a week. I wasted so much time in between. Now that I am in an office 9-5, I want to make the most of my off time. Thanks for the reassurance that your adult life doesn’t stop once babies arrive!
I was set out to prove that children were a drain emotionally, physically, intellectually and socially, but this article was inspiring!
I echo Sarah’s sentiments when I say thank you! As a single gal, I really hate it when I get the “you’ll understand when…” kind of talks. I just try to embrace the single-hood (and job searching) while I figure out where I’m going in life, and just try to live life as best I can. Life doesn’t start when you’re married/have kids/have more kids, it starts at conception and keeps going 🙂