A Man Who Wipes Bottoms
(for those that find “butt” offensive)
What I am talking about is the awkward “line in the sand” that many the modern man draws in the proverbial kiddy-box. You see them here and there, passing off the wee lad or laddie as if it were a land-mine. What am I talking about? I’m talking about the modern man who declares to his [new] bride (he would never say this on a date with a girlfriend), “I don’t do diapers.”
Today, modern man finds himself in this really awkward place. He wants to be the man. In fact, he longs to be the man. Yet, he also finds himself in a world where he has been robbed of his farm, his plow, his gun, and has been handed a light beer and told that anything that is male-only is sexist, bigoted and the old world. But, the modern man has been informed, the old world has passed away and behold, little girls now play football too.
Which of course complicates things. It is one thing to throw water balloons at a person. Quite another to throw water balloons at a blindfolded person. In this case, I will not grant that the modern man is blindfolded, only that he is playing a three legged race with himself. So, while watching someone douse someone else with a water ballon when blindfolded is bordering on the cruel, watching someone get knocked around with a water ballon when they are dragging around another person is actually quite funny.
That is what I see is the problem. Modern man wants to be the man, but instead of being either, he becomes self-crippled man. In
that case, let’s launch away.
(Balloon one) For starters, any man who says he is too good to change a diaper fails to understand the most basic male instinct: utility. I like to think about it this way. Baby is dirty. Baby needs to be cleaned. I clean baby. Case closed. Last time I checked, nobody was wiping the guy’s bottom, so if he thinks he is too good to
wipe a butt, I would suggest he go a whole day applying this principle to his rear-end. The manly utilitarian instinct will kick in — I promise — if someone doesn’t call the EPA first.
(Balloon two) Secondly, don’t dream for a moment that Pa Ingalls wouldn’t clean up his son or daughter that found his or her britches soiled. I bring up “Pa” because modern man has this strange fascination with “ancient man”. He was so manly, so unlike metrosexual man. He was bursting forth with burly manliness — thresher, overalls and cool hat to boot, and therefore, he never changed a diaper. False. It simply does not follow. Or as us philosophers like to say, there is nothing in the premises to make the conclusion necessary. Okay, let’s break it down:
1. Child is soiled
2. Person A is a man
3. Therefore, person A will leave child soiled
1. Child is soiled
2. Person A is a man
3. Therefore, man will clean child
(Balloon three) Really guys, what could be more attractive to your wife than changing a diaper? Seriously. This goes right up there with washing the shower. This is the stuff that studs are made of. Do I do this stuff with perfection and without fail? No way, I’m terribly human. But, seriously, if you are married and want to earn serious who-needs-fifty-shades-of-anything-when-I’ve-got-this-hunk bucks, change diapers. Now. Which leads me naturally to a discussion regarding the Gospel of Life.
Today, more than ever, we must all carry the torch of life. Life is under attack, if you didn’t know that already. Yet, we can win. And by win, I mean win big time. But, if you know anything at all about war, the collective victories are as important as the Waterloos. Even at our Waterloo moments, every battle is won in some kind of person-to-person combat. In turn, we must all ask ourselves, “What is and where will I find my piece of the action?” For fathers, I think that starts in the home. If we won’t change diapers, an instinct that says, “you are a human being who doesn’t deserve to be stinky nasty”, then what are we saying about life?
So, if you are a man who doesn’t “do” diapers, come off it.
Or rather, pick up your diaper and follow me (as I follow Christ).
Category: Men's Issues