SOCIALIS Saturday: Anyone, parents or siblings, of young children…
Got any advice on how to manage little ones during Mass?
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SOCIALIS Saturday: Anyone, parents or siblings, of young children…
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25 thoughts on “Kids at Mass”
I asked one Grandma one time to have her kids sit down for the 30-minute evening news and not kmove or stir or say anything. She said they cannot do that! I said why then bring them to Mass and let them bother the rest of us. The use of age-appropriate activities during the entire Mass and the Liturgy of the Word for the older ones seemed to work. Parental cooperation, support from the presider (priest) is an absolute. I worked with the adult RCIA in a heavily Hispanic parish in FL. The Easter reception of the kids was chaotic and ruined the Vigil for many of us including the Anglo-adults. A whole different, three or four generation experience, with varying degrees of awareness and very little family discipline was a challenge for all.
I once knew a deacon who would tell people “don’t bring your children to the easter vigil they don’t belong there!” Yes they do! We have many children that come into the church at that mass! I know many parishes have childrens liturgy of the word which is an excellent program and should be implemented in more parishes for young children.
As a child I was taught how to say the Rosary, and I had my own Rosary. Early on I knew very little about the Mass, except that it was prayer time, best behavior time, and time for silence. I silently prayed the Rosary during Mass, even while sitting in the front pew. My parents had no trouble with me, and I bothered nobody. I am disturbed by parents who come to Mass with toys, secular books and food for their non-infant children. At what age are they going to teach their children anything about going to church? I am skeptical about “childrens’ liturgy.” What is that, and how does it differ from”the liturgy?” I am also not on board with “teen Mass,” particular “teen rock Mass.” I am in favor of “the Mass.”
I went to a Spanish Mass in my parish last Sunday. The Church was packed (Which is good) it was hot and stuffy (Because fire codes say you can’t leave doors open) and the MASS was LONG. It was an hour in a half and 50 minutes of it was homily. After an hour I couldn’t take it. Old people (Older than me 😉 had to leave the Church to get air and all the kids started going crazy. Screaming, running, crying, etc. If you want kids to continue going to Mass when they’re older it needs to be streamlined a little bit. Less homily, less music, fewer announcements, fewer special blessings of people nobody knows, I could go on. As a kid in the 1960s Sunday Mass was about 40 minutes and daily Mass was about 25 minutes. As a kid I didn’t even mind the daily Mass. But today Sunday Mass is ‘Showtime!’ and the priests, liturgists, the musicians, the ten alter servers at one Mass all love the attention. I think.
If anyone has any advice, I’d love to here it. I was scared out of my first Mass by the nasty looks I got as my 15 month old squirmed, laughed, and banged her toddler Bible against the pews. 🙁 I haven’t been back since (this was last year on the Feast of Corpus Christi), but plan on returning very soon!
I have a 4yr old and when she was 1ish when shed get restless id get up, go to the back of the church and stand with her which allowed me to move when shed get antsy again. I also jus ignored ppl who gave me dirty looks because my daughter made some noise. I also took her snacks..there are some people who disapprove but they usually are not the ones dealing with a small child. When my daughter would get really out of hand when she was small id take her outside for a time out. (I wouldn’t talk to her or play with her she had to sit on my lap and not talk or play with anything). I also read a good book called Parenting in the Pews, that gives some good ideas for getting kids involved in the mass. I also take a coloring book for my daughter now (faith based ones) to color in during the homily.
I LOVE teen masses. I really miss them. I wish I could find more in my new diocese. I love sining the praise and worship music during mass and wish more churches did it.
Children at Mass? Quite interesting question.
Then children were brought to him that he might lay his hands on them and pray. The disciples rebuked the people; but Jesus said, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them; for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.” And he laid his hands on them and went away. (Matthew 19:13-15 RSV)
Let the children in. The may disturb for sure but what if their noises are some sort of praise to God unknown to we adults?
@EE- Oh, my heart went out to you! Don’t let those grumpy people keep you from church with your beautiful little one! “Let the children come to me, don’t send them away! The Kingdom of Heaven is made for such as these!” Mt 19:14. Don’t let those grumpy people scare you away!!! Many more of us are secretly watching your little family and loving the sight of parents bringing their children up in the faith!!!
As for practical tips:
[With the very real point that every family will have bad days, and very small children just can’t be reasoned with… this is only a season! You won’t have small children with you at church forever! This too shall pass!]
– Are your children very hungry? Tired? Sick? Solving these problems prior to Mass will give your kids their best shot at good behavior.
– Does your family have a good discipline system going? If you struggle with your child obeying you during the week, of course it will be worse when he/she knows that you yourself don’t want to yell or make a scene! (Focus on the Family has great discipline resources.)
– Try having a “Church only” bag of religious coloring books, reading books, etc. Really stick to only using it on Sundays- the fact that these toys are “special” will keep your child’s attention longer.
– Rewards! There’s nothing wrong with a simple and pleasant reward for kids who behave well at Mass. (Eg favorite treat or trip to the park, etc). This also means you can say to your child, “sit still, or you’ll lose your donut!” (After losing their treat once or twice, they’ll see that you mean business! Don’t cave and give a reward to someone who disobeyed you!)
– Compliments and encouragement! It’s HARD to sit still when you’re 4. Tell your child how proud you are of how hard they worked at Mass this week!
– For bigger children (3+), spend a few minutes after each Mass and “show” them something “special” around the Church. Walk to a stained glass window, say a Hail Mary at a statue of our Lady, take them to kneel before the tabernacle. Helping them relate to what’s what (“this chair is where the priest sits”, “this window is a picture of the Noah story we read last night”, “this water is Holy, and reminds us of our baptism. Do you remember your sister’s baptism?”) will give them more things to look at during Mass.
And most importantly…
– If you have to take an unruly child to the back, make sure it’s VERY BORING for them to be there. For instance, don’t let them play and run around with other children, because then they’ll learn the “trick” that to go play, you have to misbehave at Mass! (I know a family who would take the squirming child to the back, and just hold them gently in a body lock. This was veeery boring, and the kids soon learned that getting to “watch” the people on the altar was more fun than being held by Dad all the way in the back!)
Gadel,
Beautiful thought. I love it!
Thanks for the tips! I let my hurt feelings stand for quite a while, but God’s been working on it. 🙂 Now I think we both (myself and the little one) are ready to try again. 🙂
I had a chaplain at Fort Bragg who once said, “I never complain about children at Mass because I don’t feel like explaining to Jesus why I wouldn’t let the little children come to Him.”
I am not a parent, but I grew up in a large family. My younger siblings all learned to behave in Church. I was probably the worst of all. The biggest thing i think my parents had going for them was consistency. Discipline was not just something that we had to put up with at Mass, it was a constant in out lives. We learned to obey everywhere, whether we liked it or not. Mass was just the place where we had to sit still, be quiet and listen. From this I gathered that making children behave in Church is only a minor subset of making children behave everywhere else. It’s a little tougher because the rules are more restrictive, but the overall principle is much the same. Patience, consistency. You can last longer than your kids can. It may take a year or two but they will eventually learn to sit still and be quiet.
I think it is probably also important to have a time and a place where they can run and scream to their heart’s content. Part of growing up is learning what is appropriate where, but too many kids grow up afraid of making any noise or doing anything with that wild abandon they had as toddlers. If you don’t believe me, try singing out loud in a public place sometime, say, at work.
As for the rest of us, no one has any call to be judging other people’s kids unless you know them and love them like their parents do. If the kids are bothering you, consider it an opportunity to practice focus, patience, charity, etc. All of which are good things to practice.
And E.E. those folks are not your child’s parents. They have no responsibility for teaching that child, they have no authority over you, and you owe them nothing except pity. Let ’em stew. Until we become like your little child we will not enter into the kingdom of Heaven.
Please bring your children to Mass! When my boys were little, I would hold them, especially during the consecration and tell them quietly what was happening. (eg “That’s Jesus”, or “now we say amen”, or “now it’s Father’s turn to talk”, etc) We also had a church bag that had a book of prayers, and a Mary and Joseph stuffed doll, and when they were very small, a quiet snack. This was only used if necessary. Generally, you want to teach the children what is happening at Mass, so they can learn to participate, too. In our case, it worked, as both boys were altar servers, and are still active in the church, and the younger one is contemplating the priesthood. Ignore the rude looks and comments, and remember you are doing God’s work in teaching your children to worship Him.
I do the same this with my 6 year old. It helps her understand what’s going on . And next year she starts Religious Education so I’m hoping that helps her understand more. I tell my 2 year old she has to be quiet cause Jesus is sleeping (his eyes are closed on our Crucifix) and that usually works. 🙂
Our parish openly welcomes children and we do not have a “cry room” or anything because the children are part of our church as well. We used to do the toys thing, and snacks, until a bag of Cheerios ended up all over the floor. Now we just take the kids. And we sit up front so they can see. And about 90% of the time they are well behaved. My 6 year old sings along, and my infant is in a Moby wrap, so she falls asleep. And my 2 year old…well she’s 2. But most of the time she’s good and if she starts getting too wild, my husband just takes her to the back of the church. I think being involved yourselves helps a lot. If they see you singing and saying the prayers, they will repeat.
It’s tough. I’m in choir, so my wife is usually left to deal with our 2 year old on her own. We are making more frequent use of the option to take her to Catechesis of the Good Shepherd during Mass.
Usually there comes a point when we have to take her back into the Reconciliation Room and close the door behind us, esp. when she wants to get down and run around and is trying to escape the pew.
My wife has some dry cereal and children’s picture bibles. But those are only effective for so long. For the naysayers who condemn those items, I would like to know what you do when your toddler begins screaming loudly to have food. Hushing has never been effective and in every other context we never positively reinforced screaming. How do you prevent your toddler form raising their voice in church and without creating further distraction? So far a mouthful of cheerios has been foolproof.But again, that only lasts until the homily.
I try to take her to daily Mass during the week. That’s where she learned to kneel during the consecration. But it’s an even smaller space with a smaller group, so her distracting behavior is that much more distracting. I hope eventually she will learn to sit still during liturgy.
What do people do to make their toddlers sit still? One blogger, Taylor Marshall of Canterbury Tales, describes the ‘daddy hold’ wherein you hold the squirming child on your lap with your forearms. But this also gets nasty looks. I’ve learned to ignore the disdain of people from a generation where corporal punishment was socially accepted rather than against the law. They have no idea what it’s like to parent nowadays.
Anywho- one can’t reason with a toddler and one certainly can’t force a child to behave in public without drawing attention to oneself- so…what does one do? I figure eventually children learn by watching. That requires exposure every Sunday which requires that the rest of the world ignore my child when she’s disruptive. We’re working on it.
Mary- I second your approach of explaining what’s happening. I whisper to her, “Look- that’s Jesus!” and then she wants to stand on the kneeler to see better.
Children and Mass? We take a 6, 4, 3, and 1 year old with us (all ours). My wife is also pregnant. Here’s what I’ll say:
1. Take them. When my priest hears their sounds, he will occasionally stop and say HOW HAPPY he is to hear their noises. (I just tell people I’m trying to pay for their social security by producing tax-payers)
2. Talk about what happens at Mass before you go
3. Pray at home. Have sacred time at home where they learn to be reverent before you go to Church. Let them practice being respectful and reverent at home. Practice is important for everyone, especially kids.
4. Explain the Eucharist to them. It’s a pretty fascinating topic for all ages! We tell our kids about Our Lord in the Holy Eucharist, and during the Eucharistic liturgy, we make sure they keep their attention up front. If you are serious, they might be.
5. Praise good behavior.
6. Be solemn during the Eucharistic liturgy.
Did I mention the Eucharistic liturgy?
Pax Christi,
Brent
NOW; That Brent and your wife is Catholic parenting and raising saints for His Church. Waht a beautiful lesson and example- quiet time at home to prepare for Mass as a family. You are powerful witnesses to HIS Holy Church and people notice that much more than you both realise. Special prayers here for all of you and the new baby.
I will add that if one of our children is “acting up” they are removed from Mass (by us). We do this for three reasons:
1. We want our children to understand that certain behavior is not appropriate for Mass (ever)
2. They need to obey us, and ignoring a child’s behavior does not teach obedience. In fact, they would learn that Mass is the place to “act up” because my parents will ignore it.
3. Out of respect for those around us trying to pray
We also bring books for the little ones, but by 3 years old, no more books. They can pay attention. Our oldest son has the most difficulty, but through persistent firmness and love he is getting there. He will never “sit still” but he does his best, is quiet, and tries to pay attention. I try to always give him a lot of PRAISE for good behavior because it comes harder for him. We also sit in the very front so that they have less distractions and can see everything. There is a lot happening at and around the altar!
Great discussion!
I second what Brent has said. We sit in the front too!
We’ve got two older ones, and five little ones who were born as I was converting. My husband always said, “We go as a family, all of us!” There have been times when the kids had me in tears either because I perceived they were bothering people or people actually showed that they were bothered.
To those people my husband said in the car after Mass, “Maybe the Holy Spirit is working on them and they needed to hear a baby today. Every single one of us has been the unruly baby at some point in our lives.”
It has worked out fine, ups and downs, good days and bad days, we keep going. The kids do learn over time how to behave (lots of time, LOL). And there are always people who say that seeing our family in Mass week after week is inspiring. Always! Young and old.
I won’t lie either — the kids all know Mom will pinch if it comes to that. And we ditched donuts and children’s liturgy a long time ago.
The people who really inspire me are the widows all alone who tell me they raised large families and seeing mine really brings back memories. I will, God-willing, be that widow some day. I hope I see babies in church. 🙂
Let the children come to me and do not stop them, for the kingdom of heaven belong to such as these.
Let me ask you, have you gone out on a dinner date with your boyfriend/girlfriend?… You sat talking to each other, laughing, reflecting on and absorbing every word,eating, you and your beloved were in a world of your own… the background noise, kids of other couples… nothing really mattered… maybe you smiled at them but that was it.
Jesus is our beloved…when we are at mass,talking to Him,dining with HIm… the background blurs into oblivion.
If it was supposed to be undisturbed by fellow human beings, it shouldn’t have been “the Christian family around the supper table of the Lamb”…right? lets just have some personal prayer time and not Mass in the Body of Christ then…right?
My wife and I have a very nice new pastor who has made it a point, on more than one occasion, to pass along a thought regarding our 18 month old, who can sometimes make some noise in Mass. He paraphrases Mother Teresa in saying that if there is crying babies in Mass it means there is a future for the Church, no crying, no future. It’s quite nice to have such a supportive priest who appreciates the sound of crying infants and toddlers, realizing that such sounds represent hope for the Church.
We also have a supportive pastor, and that means so much. We have been to a Mass where the priest actually interrupted the eucharistic prayer to add a prayer ‘for the parents of that child’ –referring to us. We were horrified.
I am very aware of, and sensitive to the parents’ – complimented the couple who prepare at home above. It is not always easy to have a high degree of contemplation at Mass, or concentration in a resataurant or a peaceful shpiing trip in a large store- with loud crying, no parental discipline, or parents beating the crying child, cell phones at the next table or in the physicians’ office where the sign says NO! A single incident at church, as opposed to a regular crying contest from the same child(ren) are not the same. Neither is First Communion Sunday typical when most/many of the congregation are not regular attendees and every child is brought in with varying degrees of discipline. There is absolutely no excuse for glares, or comments from the presiding priest. We all do lose it from time to time so reasons for slips are understandable. Patterns of distraction and rude stares are a matter for individual matter for spiritual counsel. Perhaps a few sentences of “folks we are all family here so….” before Mass begins would help.
I’m not a parent, but I’m the oldest of 8, and my youngest 6 siblings are all under 10. Here is what my parents do:
1. Rewards for good behavior, and consequences for bad.
2. Clear expectations.
3. My mom takes the baby out (he is just over1) when he is being too disruptive.
4. Though I know my parents don’t like it, they sit in the front, where the kids can see what is going on. Plus, it gives them the additional eye “Monsignor can see your behavior!”
5. Ever since my sibs started going to Catholic school, their Mass behavior has improved too, because we all know they can sit nicely and participate in the school Mass, so there is no reason they can’t do the same on Sunday.
6. When we first came into the Church, my youngest brother was given a children’s Mass book. It seemed to help because it was designed so he and the adult helping him could follow along and each participate in the Mass.