Hello Virtuous Planet readers! I am so excited to be blogging here with such a wonderful community of faith-filled writers. I hope that the time you spend here reading our stuff will serve as a means of support and inspiration in your daily walk with Christ.
I want to introduce myself to you and explain why I might not write as frequently as I would like to right now. I am a 30-year-old wife and a mother to 4 young children. My husband and I are both currently graduate students and have recently decided to also take on the education of our children as homeschoolers. I also am working very hard on a project called The Guiding Star Project which focuses on Culture of Life issues and is aiming for nothing short of radical cultural change nationwide. Now all that in itself would seem like good enough reasons for being a little slow with keeping up on blogging, but I have even a stronger case for being a bit of a bum lately. I am also expecting my fifth child and once again this pregnancy is being graced by the presence of hyperemesis gravidarum.
For those of you who never heard of hyperemesis gravidarum, it is your normal morning sickness gone psycho. It is not limited to mornings or evenings or even the first two trimesters of pregnancy. It is non-stop nausea and vomiting and can result in serious dehydration and even hospitalization for some women. Most women who experience hyperemesis, like me, are prescribed antiemetics to control the vomiting and keep the symptoms at a manageable level. But even with medications the baseline level for women struggling with this condition is extreme fatigue and the feeling that you might lose your lunch at any moment. Nice.
Now the reason I share this with you is not to drum up pity for myself the first time we are meeting one another. I swear I am not one of those people who tells you their life story within the first ten minutes of meeting you and then continues on for the next half hour telling you about how they are a victim of circumstances and injustice……ok, maybe it seems like it that, but I’m going somewhere with this, I promise.
I share this about my own struggles because the sicknesses I have endured to become a mother have taught me a lot about women seeking abortions. Before becoming pregnant, and thus very sick for the first time, I could not understand how a woman could ever feel so threatened by a growing baby as to want to “terminate” it. Just a few short weeks after my first positive pregnancy test, I remember feeling terrible about myself because the only thing I could think about and wanted was for things to go back to normal. I just wanted to feel good again and be free of this sickness. At the height of this pregnancy sickness and already 20 pounds down in less than 5 weeks, I remember thinking that I could actually understand a woman wanting an abortion. I got it. In my weakness I understood the temptation towards abortion for the first time ever in my life.
Being a first-time mother, I didn’t have any concept that the child growing within me was going to turn out to be a handsome little boy with brown eyes and the sweetest smile. He didn’t yet have a name or his father’s sense of humor and that great twinkle in his eye. “It” just felt like an invader holding my body and my life hostage. If I had not been raised in a home that was very pro-life and had not received education on the sanctity and dignity of all human life, I could have easily convinced myself that I was not really pregnant with a unique, unrepeatable person; but rather a parasite of sorts that was obviously not meant to be because of the way my body was reacting to it. I could have been convinced without much prodding that I would be better off having an abortion. Thank goodness no one with that agenda ever had the chance to talk to me at this point. God protected me from great despair and temptation during this time of great weakness.
I’d like to be able to say that after I gave birth to my first child and fell completely in love with him that I would never again have wished away the life of my child in the face of sickness. But that is not how it happened. With each new pregnancy and the mounting responsibilities and stresses of older children to care for, the hyperemesis seemed like the ultimate insult upon injury as I struggled to accept mis-timed pregnancies and the struggles we were experiencing with NFP. I remember questioning God’s wisdom and love for me as I was asked over and over again to accept lovingly the gift of children in the face of sickness and trials. I grew upset with God and finally under the advisement of a wonderful priest, I “had it out” with God. I yelled at God and let Him “have it” for asking so much of me. I told Him I couldn’t do it and that I didn’t want to. Did He know my limits better than anyone? Couldn’t He see I was drowning?!?? A strange resignation finally settled over my heart and over time my stubborn dedication to prayer and the Sacraments paid off with a new wisdom that I never could have gained any other way.
Yes, I now “get” why some women have abortions. I can understand how easy it is to dehumanize someone who is causing great discomfort and inconvenience. I can hear the world’s lies about “my body, my choice” and I can understand how comforting those lies seem when the alternative is hard work and sacrifice. I have a tremendous amount of empathy for women in such desperate situations. I have dedicated my life and my gifts to create a Culture where the temptation towards abortion is lessened and ultimately removed by building up authentic support and appreciation for pregnancy and childbearing. I believe we can build a world where struggles like hyperemesis are seen as opportunities to grow in sacrificial love for our children and where the mothers giving so selflessly of their bodies will be honored and upheld. As a precursor to a world that embraces a true Culture of Life, I ask you now for your patience and understanding as I once again give my body over to the miracle of co-creation of life with our God. I’ll be back and better than ever pretty soon. Until then, prayers please for me and all expectant mothers who need help seeing their unborn children’s amazing beauty and potential.
Mother Mary, we pray for all expectant mothers and ask for your beautiful guidance as we learn how to sacrificially love our children through the gift of our bodies to the development of their live in the womb and their character and faith here in this world. Amen.
14 thoughts on “This is my body, given up for you.”
Wow! Leah, this was an excellent post! Good choice, tying your story and your hyperemesis with the Crucifixion. And thanks for the reminder that women who choose abortion don’t for the most part choose out of will to do evil but out of pain, distress and despair, and need our support and help rather than condemnation and judgment.
Thank you so much for your kind words Anthony. I was hoping that would be the take-home message, but didn’t get around to articulating it as concisely as you did. I look forward to reading some of your writings as well. God bless, leah
Leah, I’m so glad you’re writing here too! I just adore you and your mission so fully. Let me know if I can help you in virtual land while you’re trying to manage all of this!
Leah,
Thank you for sharing your heart in such an honest way! These bumps in life’s path are a constant call to trust in our Father, whose hand of guidance and protection is always upon us.
The Lord comforts His people and shows mercy to the suffering (Is 49:13).
You are AMAZING! Know of my prayers for you and your missions!
🙂
Leah, congratulations on your little one. I am newly pregnant with my third and still trying to figure out why God chose this timing. Not that he is not wanted, even “planned” as the world says (and as far as we can plan things), just that with all that has gone on since the birth of #2 why now? God bless you 🙂
Having had pregnancy nausea that was nowhere near as bad as hyperemesis, I honestly have HUGE compassion for your experience and a great deal of respect for you to accept life from God. May you be truly blessed. I have also had life experiences where God let me feel something (a recent experience with a friend) that made me understand those who would pursue abortion and made me see that my friend was not just “doing what she should” but rather living a life of heroic virtue. So many Prolifers are stone throwers quick to tell everyone what to do and not do…your take away lesson from this (with its understanding and humility) is worth its weight in gold….no, Im wrong…its worth much more than gold.
Welcome Leah, and thank you for sharing with us! I will pray that the remainder of your pregnancy will be blessed. As a mother of only one (so far), I’d be remiss if I didn’t say that you are very noble in continuing to be open to children. You are a great witness.
My dear friend you are such a beautiful witness! It’s been such an honor to watch you grow in your vocation over the years! Though the trials have been very difficult for you and your family I find it very beautiful how God has prepared you for many things and in particular the Guiding Star Project. Through your struggles you have been brought an intimate understanding of those who are pregnant and in despair. The true compassion you have for those under direct attack of the Culture of Death is a compassion we all need to have. That intimate understanding is going to be essential in creating the cultural shift towards Life that this country and our unborn so desperately need. You are truly an inspiration and I’m so glad to see you writing here at Virtuous Planet!
Leah-Thanks for the story! God bless you with your new pregnancy! PS My sister just had her baby with no medications and had a quick labor. Please keep her in your prayers-Matt & I miss you guys 🙂
Thank you for this. I feel like I’m not alone – I too had extreme (all day) morning sickness, weightloss and extreme doubt in God’s timing of my son. I too found myself wanting to “throw in the towel” and even had many conversations with God about understanding if he ended the pregnancy because cleary I was not made of strong enough stuff – I told Him I’d understand, I wouldn’t resent Him because I didn’t believe I could take much more.
Amazingly enough because I went through this within in months of my sons birth I found my views on abortion completely changed. I understand the fear (from illness AND from uncertainity about jobs and finances) that can compel people toward it a little bit better, but I also now see out of great scarifice comes great love. I now find myself believing in Life completely and most importantly I see the role that compassion needs to play in the struggle.
Molly,
Thanks for sharing. I’ve found that I can hear the desperation of abortion-minded women so much more easily now that I’ve struggled to choose life myself. I think that there are so many women who are just so absolutely overwhelmed and miserable by their current circumstances that they forget abortion is a permanant solution to a temporary problem. The sicknesses pass. The relationship issues pass. Financial concerns pass. Whatever the primary concern driving the decision, it will pass with time. Nothing about your situation is going to remain the same forever.
I’ve learned that God does indeed know what will ultimately bring me happiness and joy, even if it first makes me miserable accepting it! God thinks in terms of eternity, not trimesters like I do. He has got it covered. That is the lesson I am reminded of everytime I see that plus sign on a pregnancy test.
God bless you.
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Leah, I’m a fellow HG sufferer, and I’m working with Haley of Carrots for Michaelmas to run a series on HG from a Catholic perspective. Can I contact you with more details about this? We’re looking for guest writers.
You can contact me at mydomesticmonastery@gmail.com if you’re open to helping us with the series!