Living every moment for Christ

Today would have been my fourth day in the convent and I imagine that I would be walking on air with excitement.  Actually to be honest, today would have been my fourth day as a novice and I am sure that I would still be getting used to hearing whatever my new religious name would have been.   I think about how I will be better at praying the Liturgy of the Hours, praying my daily rosary, be more patient etc. once I begin formation.

The last couple of weeks I have been trying to rewrite my journey by imagining what would have been if I did this or if things ended this way or if I had made this decision.  I am also trying to imagine how things will be when I finally enter, when I finally become a novice when take first vows etc.  I can guess that I am not the only one who tends to look back or even look to the future rather than focusing on the now.  Ever since my first visit to the Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Church in early 2009 I knew the Lord had found a place for me.  Though I wanted to enter right away, I knew I needed to wait; up until recently I would tell people that the wait was so that I could get my student loans paid off but now I am seeing that the fact that I need to take care of my student loans is a secondary reason.  I needed to grow and mature spiritually, mentally and even professionally.  I am still growing and even though I find myself feeling a lot of frustration over this wait, the truth is there are times I am grateful.

When I started my discernment about 5 years ago, I wasn’t aware that I was discerning until the moment I realized that I yearned and longed to live my life only for Christ.  It gave me such an ache that I came to tears, I remember it like yesterday, I had been experiencing a true desert and the Lord indeed reached out to me and since that time I wanted nothing but to live for Him.

Not long after I started entertaining the idea of religious life I got the opportunity to sit with a religious at a young adult conference; I sat down with Sr. Mary Gabriel who was the Vocation Directress for the Sisters of Life at that time.  My intent was to discuss the work that they were doing and to inquire about the possibility of helping as a 3rd order or a lay associate.  However shortly after we began chatting all I could share was how I had an ache in my heart that I knew could only be filled by living my life for Christ.  Saying these things aloud shocked me because it forced me to realize that the inclination that I had toward religious life was not going to go away without further investigation.  Our chat gave me something to think about and I made it a point to seriously discern religious life.  A few months later I went on a couple of come and sees; though I wasn’t sure what was ahead, I knew Christ was calling me to be his alone just as much as I wished to give all of myself to him.

The years that followed allowed me to realize that the Lord indeed was calling me to religious life and I only needed to say yes.  As I slowly navigated to my joyful yes, I went through a roller coaster of feelings that one would experience in a typical budding relationship.  There were ups and downs of epic proportion and everything in between; in truth there still are.  I doubted His love for me and I think that there were times that others doubted my deep love for Christ.  I got mad, frustrated, impatient you name it, after all this was a relationship.  What made it hard throughout was the fact that I knew that every problem in this relationship MY fault.  I mean the other half was perfect so the issues sure came from me.

I am still working on how much I get mad and frustrated about having to wait years until I am espoused to him for life (things never seem to be just perfect) but I know now that I need to trust more and more.  I trust that he will be there with my best friend through the entirety her pregnancy, I trust that he will continue to work in the heart of my brother and bring him closer to the church, I trust that little by little he will mend the broken relationships in my family.  I trust him to do a lot but when it comes to the most important thing, I don’t quite have that same level of trust.  I don’t always trust Him to take care of me.  I always question whether or not he can provide for me especially as it pertains to my need to feel a hug here and there, to be held.  How will He take care of that? What of the time when I come home and just want to cry to my beloved and feel His consoling touch?.  I question whether or not he will help me get my student loans paid, I question whether or not I will be able to enter next year.   I question whether or not he wants me as his alone for life.

As these questions about his ability to provide come to mind, it seems he shows me just how well he can provide.  It never fails that just when I need a good cry I find someone to listen to me and to give me a good hug.  Just when I feel terrified about something I have reassurance coming from the most unexpected place.  When I start to worry about how I’m going to gas up my car, it would appear as if a miracle leads to a small monetary gift from an unexpected sources.  Without complaining my intended provides and gives me multiple reasons why I can and should trust him to care and provide for me.  Little by little, I am starting to truly let go and trust Him to care for me in every sense.

Though I expected much of my growing to happen inside the walls of the convent I am finding that a lot of it is happening while I am out of it.  I am learning that I do not have to wait until I am in formation to live a life worthy of one called by Christ, I can and should begin to live it today.   So many times I miss out on an opportunity to grow in love, patience and faith all because I get so lost in either the past or the future to realize that the present is an occasion to do and be all these things that I want to be and do for Christ.  As you end your day and do your examination of conscience, think about the ways you can live tomorrow to its fullest: be in the moment.  Appreciate the obstacles, frustrations and difficulties and remember to make Him the center of it all.

 

 

 

 

 

Dyna

Dyna

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12 thoughts on “Living every moment for Christ”

  1. How true this is for so many things! Sometimes I feel like I’m so busy trying to get to the next checkpoint in life that I forget that the journey counts too, and usually for more.

  2. Thank you, Allie, for your honest sharing of the longing in your heart to give yourself fully to the One who will never disappoint! The wait is worth it – Trust me. And about the growing part; you will find along your beautiful journey, the one who espouses you is thirsty to have all of you; as you grow, you will grow in the size of your YES! Be assured of my prayers!

  3. You wrote “I think about how I will be better at praying the Liturgy of the Hours, praying my daily rosary, be more patient etc. once I begin formation.” My sister, a novice in the Sisters of Life, tells people that religious life is harder and better than she expected– harder because sins, temptations, distractions, and difficulties didn’t disappear when she entered the convent; better because the joy was so much greater than she expected, too.

  4. I’ll vouch for your sister’s take on the difficulty of religious life (and the JOY!), Anna. It is true; there’s this self-imposed expectation that once you walk through the doors of the convent, you’ve ‘made it’, and holiness is withing grasp! Then, very quickly, you realize (at least I did!), the vices and sinful inclinations didn’t fall off at the door! The good part, the focus on prayer and service gives a framework to be ‘polished’, being tumbled around in the container of community life opens the heart to God and to our brothers and sisters. Joy! God bless!

  5. You guys are definitely right. I am learning that there is no point in waiting for the moment when I am at the right place spiritually to begin my formation. In many sense my formation must begin now even before going beyond the convent walls because as you say sister the vices and inclinations will still be there. I see the day-to-day life of some sisters (especially the active ones) and it’s a wonder that they manage to keep it all together and remain joyful. It will continue to be struggle I’m sure but I think that will make the moments of JOY that much more meaningful.

  6. Dyna, I could’ve written parts of this myself. Thank you for sharing this. It’s so refreshing to know that I’m not alone in my struggles of patience and yearning to be His bride – NOW! I know that God has great plans for you – as He does for me – it’s just hard sometimes to see His hand when you’re in the midst of a “temper tantrum” (I throw those all to often!)

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